Worried about mum and dad

There's one in Perth that will go out and check on the elderly. They usually call my husband first as his parents have cameras in their house and he can see if they are upright and ok. Have had it go off as a false alarm in middle of night. Once they went in to check they were ok can't remember why.

Unfortunately mum has very little strength and wouldn't be able to get on her hands and knees or pull herself up. In that case she needs more than one person looking after her. My dad is very frail, and even for moving him up the bed they use two people.

@ValerieDoonican talks sense

@gogohmm I haven’t come across a pendant alarm service that does anything other than call a relative or an ambulance. are you able to share the name or is it just a service local to you?

You can subscribe to a service with a pendant each and they will send a team to help you up if you fall. Dp's mum has it. It's a lot quicker than an ambulance and you don't have to feel guilty because you are paying (you aren't taking the ambulance away from someone else) I know that's a concern for many people

Please don't take it all on yourself. Clearly your dad is very stubborn, in denial, and not behaving rationally. But that is really , really normal for elderly people faced with their declining powers. Ignore it and hope it goes away.

Obviously it won't, but possibly you just telling him the truth isn't going to get him there faster.

I don't know if you (collectively) are brave enough to ask him about what he would want for mum if he injured himself lifting her, for exame - ie to get him to think through some scenarios in advance. (I have never managed to do this with my dm but she does sometimes talk about it hersef, which I am grateful for)

But I think there is a natural brake on how quickly someone like your dad can adapt mentally to a fast changing reality because it is so painful. You are making him think about the end of his role as an autonomous capable adult. That hurts!

Sometimes it just isn't possible to get people to get their heads round these truths fast enough, so don't wear yourself out trying, if you can manage to go a bit easier on yourself. You are not a bad person for being unable to achieve the impossible. (I am wondering if you are a bit like your dad here? No point in you both making yourselves ill!)

You've had some really good suggestions on here already. Definitely try to get POA for both health and finance.

I would talk to him about what he wants for your DM.

We had similar with DFIL where he wanted DMIL to stay at home as long as possible and saw it as a failing if he accepted help.

No he realises that if had the hell, she could have been at home much longer.

I'd ask for a Social Care Needs Assessment and make sure you're there when it's done, otherwise they might be tempted to be a bit tight with the truth.

I'd also ask tire DM about going to the falls clinic. Transport can be arranged and it's free. My DF went for while, did the exercises at home and it helped him terrifically.

Have you had a straight conversation with your dad about the consequences of his decisions, and what he plans to do when that happens. Eg him not calling for help to lift --> HE gets hurt and can't care for mum (even more likely than he hurts her). What will he do then? If he gets ill (eg chest infection) there is nothing in place to look after your mum.

He also seems very confused about finances - does he understand how savings impact care costs? (do you?)

If he won't have the conversation then you'll just have to keep nagging and wait for the inevitable crisis. Hope you have POA in place.

Your dad needs to realise he'll make himself unwell taking all the care on himself.
Perhaps remind him this is what savings are for, comfort in their older years and if he needs to pay for care then it's money we'll
spent.

Does he know how to help her up? Check for any injuries or pain. If all clear, Get her to roll over on to hands and knees, put a chair in front of her for her to put her arms on so she can move her best foot under her and straighten her legs, then stand up. Bring another chair behind her ready to sit.

I have a feeling it was more to do with your savings have to stay at a certain amount which would mean us siblings paying for it Not sure where this idea has come from. The only thing I can think of is that if you’re a self payer, the home may ask for proof that you have savings to cover 3 years fees. But you don’t have to keep your savings at that amount. The average stay in a care home is three years.

My Dad is in a nursing home and wasn’t asked for proof of savings. But he’s in a home which takes Council funded residents, so I guess they knew they’d still have their funds from the Council even if his money ran out.

The only other situation in which family can be asked to pay is if Council is paying and you choose a care home which costs more than the Council is prepared to pay.

Obviously Council payment only happens if Council agrees that a care home is required, so getting an assessment from them is sensible unless they have savings which are enough to cover 10 or 20 years in care.

Perhaps you might need to explain to him that women are more prone to osteoporosis, and that if she falls, then she needs to get checked out and have an x-ray just to be on the safe side? An elderly relative of mine had a minor fall a couple of years ago and cracked several ribs.

He is probably thinking that asking for help means that he has failed. He needs to understand that not asking for help might have disastrous consequences.

I’m afraid that the only thing your Dad can do if your mum falls is call an ambulance. It’s the only way to ensure the lift is done safely if your mum can’t get up herself. Alarm systems are more for people on their own - they call a relative or an ambulance or both. Sounds like he is lucky to have the support of caring children. Cost aside, your dad doesn’t sound like he needs to be in a home? Your mum can
still fall in a home and even there to get a safe lift ambulance help might be needed?