Worried about mum and dad

Apologies it looks like Care Call are linked to my local council so we'll have likely been recommended them by social services who were involved in dad's illness periodically. I would imagine other council's have similar things available but they really are fantastic, we pay around £12 per week from memory and whole family thinks it's money well spent.

its very difficult OP. When I was an advice worker for Age UK I found that I was often able to say things that family couldn’t because I didn’t have the emotional baggage that comes with being a member of the family

your DF might be more willing to listen to someone from a charity like Age UK than say a social worker

maybe worth putting it to him that if she keeps falling she will inevitably hurt herself badly, end up in hospital & then all the services will descend and they’ll be swept up in the ‘system’. Far better for him to take control & make proactive decisions rather then wait for a crisis and make decisions on the back foot and in a hurry

No he won't accept any help in the house I wish he would but he won't accept help until something terrible happens

This is exactly how it was for our DILS and it is exceptionally frustrating isn't it?

In the end we had to step in and get them both medical attention and alert SS that there was a safeguarding issue.

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but it doesn't sound like your dad is caring for your mum... You say he doesn't physically care for her, just picks her up when she falls. If so, it doesn't sound like carers are needed. They are more for people who need physical help eg washing and dressing. Carers wouldn't pick people off the floor - they're not allowed. It also wouldn't seem like a pendant is needed for when she falls if your dad is always there - he can call for help. The falls clinic should help - they can look at why she's falling and give advice or equipment to try to prevent this. If your dad's tiredness is to do with having taken over running the house perhaps a cleaner / gardener / laundry service / meal delivery etc may help?

Did she ever see a Doctor over her ribs @Rosebel.

If it's getting to the point that he's denying your DM medical attention or not exactly denying but not calling for help when it's obvious she needs checking over, it sounds as though it's a safeguarding issue.

I think it's time to talk to your local social services. Does your DM have a SW?

We got to the point where we had a different Safeguarding issue with the ILs and the SW did help although I had to phone every bloody day to give them a push.

Do you think that your DF might be worried that if she has respite care it will become all too obvious how much care your DM needs?

@lovemypuppa sorry, I missed your post about Carecall. I had a look and in Stockport (not my parent’s area unfortunately) they do offer the service of coming around - well in theory; they also say they will decide what’s best, ring a relative, ring an ambulance or send a team. I think I’d be wanting to know how many are on that team… I’m not sure if you are in that area as I can’t find another reference from a different place in the UK. It’s hard to Google though as the name Carecall isn’t distinctive and throws up many spurious links. This is exactly what’s needed nationally. There are so many links to pendants claiming, feel safe, feel independent, help will be on the way. Then you read on as @MereDintofPandiculation said to find that the help is actually you or an ambulance.

@MereDintofPandiculation yes. I looked at these years ago, concluded that it was another way of me getting a call and moved on! I look back from time to time as so many people recommend them that I wonder if I’ve got it wrong or systems/services have moved on. The marginal advantage is if the individual falls out of reach of the phone however, I seem to recall that pendants have limits on coverage as well. I got my mum a mobile that holds charge for about a week and a small fabric cross body bag to put it in - seems like a reasonable compromise. The real game changer would be a lift team who can come round.

Considered one for my Dad. I was so looking forward to getting away from being on tenterhooks all the time, then I found all it did was call me. Such a disappointment! Then Dad threw a strop, maintained his phone system was illegal, and if I attached anything to it he would be in prison. So that put paid to that.

It is so difficult when parents become elderly.
Could you suggest respite in a care home for a couple of weeks for your Mum ?
Say, “ Dad, you’re exhausted, this is just a little break for you “ tell him it’s temporary.
What that will do is first he will begin to realise how much he’s doing & how tiring it is, most people don’t actually realise because it’s a gradual thing, taking on someone else’s care. We tend to only recognise how much we’re doing when we have a break from it.
Second by being looked after by care staff/nurses they will be able to tell your Dad honestly how much care your Mum needs- it is much better coming from non family.
Otherwise I’m afraid the next thing you can do is just accept that she will end up falling numerous times, & one time will end up going to hospital,& there she’ll be assessed & might end up with a package of care at home, or again respite at a care home.
You are in a very ,very common situation, I have been through it unfortunately many times both personally & professionally. It doesn’t make it any easier.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think you really need to get social services involved. They will do a care act assessment and it might be better coming from someone else rather than family that actually he does need help.
A move to a residential home won’t be automatic and is usually the last resort after other options have been exhausted. Social services will like to try carers first for example. You could also request a carers assessment for your dad, they will be able to suggest options to make his life easier. In my area they have an organisation called carers resource which you can access without a referral from social services.

In my experience respite can usually be a god send, as it gives the main carer the opportunity to have a break and it can be the wake up call they need. That actually life doesn’t have to be this difficult.

The pendant is still a good idea for a couple (get them one each) because it is easier for the pendant service to call the ambulance and keep your dad informed of progress etc than for him to do it and also be keeping your mum company.

Ultimately, few elderly people with capacity make changes until there is a crisis, it’s the nature of the beast. My dad went into a home when the number of falls increased and when the neighbours said “enough” to helping (they had a pendant service but my mum always called on the neighbours as well once it was daylight and they always beat the ambulance there)

Hopefully the falls clinic will be able to give advice/walking aids to minimise the risk. What does your Mum want? Rather than your Dad? As it is not really his decision what care she gets, it's hers!

Re a care home, this will swallow savings very quickly, and it isn't guaranteed that adult social care will pick up the bill as it would be expected that least restrictive options were trialled first, such as carers in the home. This would be the first step.

I worked in an area that had a team that worked via a lifeline pendant and would help people up after a fall, they had a blown up chair they would take round that got people up. They were very busy!

As others have said, you normally have to wait for a crisis to occur for anything to change if your DaD is so against any kind of support.

We've used a company called Care Call for years now - dad has Parkinson's and mum can't get him up on her own. He wears a wrist band to alert them of falls even though he is never alone. They come with an air cushion to raise the person back up again and check the patient over. Invaluable and very good value for money.

It needs to come from someone else not his children - Occupational therapist?, GP?

Has your mum got a walking aid? Would that help? Aunt has the mecs service but refuses to wear the pendant, it just lies on the table. She is in her 90s and increasingly unsteady. Think you just have to wait till a something bad/hospitalisation scenario to make them see sense.

It's really hard to watch, but I think you have to accept that your DPs still have agency.

Your DF would still rather have his DW at home than in a care home, however more practical that might be.

I'm not quite at that stage yet and I guess have more options as DPs can fund own care for a number of years, but I feel the only thing you can really do is not frazzle yourself out. Do the maximum you can but not at the price of your own DCs or health.

I feel your pain as I am in the same position. Parents mid 80's. Dad is basically carer for mum. Mum has multiple health issues and unsteady on her feet. Dad is exhausted and not in the best of health himself, but won't admit it. They need outside help, but refuse everything.
Can't even get them to agree on POA. I have had very long conversations with them detailing what would happen if one of them falls or has an accident. They wouldn't be able to get each other up. But it falls on death ears.

I have got to the point where I have had to accept this and just support the best I can from a distance.

@OnaBegonia hmm, sounds like a council supported version of pendant schemes: They say they will do three things ‘Contact your GP or next of kin, Send a warden to your home, Talk with you to reassure you’. none of these actions get a person off the floor or avoid an ambulance being called. I think what’s needed is a lift team with the appropriate kit and enough medical knowledge to make a decision whether the person needs to go to hospital. It might help some people or be better than nothing but it doesn’t go far enough.

@Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda
The system where I am is called MECS, here is the link, maybe check for one in your area

www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/care-at-home/mecs.aspx

There are some areas that have specialist teams that do just getting people back up, but not in all areas. There may be something else in other areas instead.

I'd say to you @Rosebel to try something very difficult- to let it go. Your first responsibility is to your own children and that sounds like a very tough situation right now waiting for services and worrying about money. Your parents are following their own wishes at the end of long and successful lives. This bit at the end doesn't define the rest.

Tell your sister that you are close to breakdown, that you are going to step back and you would support her doing the same, and stop. Do what you can do - maybe more phone calls if you can, short cheerful chats, but maybe only visit once a month. Yes there will probably be a crisis but here's the thing - it will happen whether you worry or not. The local nurses know about them and that's a good thing.

@Musicaltheatremum it sounds like a good idea to have I’m just not sure how common non-ambulance assistance is across the UK? Presumably it would be NHS supported or authorised and not a private company connected to a specific pendant brand? I heard a lady on the radio talking about the ambulance strike and she said her mum had fallen and been assisted by ambulance something shocking like 200 times in a year. It would totally make sense to have a team of responders who could get there faster and not draw on ambulance resource like the Perth scheme. I know there will be cases where the patient may need further medical assistance or the patient needs to go to hospital, but not always. It could be a way to reduce pressure on ambulance services if people are prepared the accept the slight increase in risk that would be associated with someone who is not ambulance service attending with the right training and kit to lift. If these schemes are in some parts of the country, I do hope expansion is considered.