Siblings want to put mum in a home

But if the sister does not allow her mum back home, she will make her homeless.
When I was the nearest family contact for a relative who didn't want carers, I read threads where family members were advised not to take relatives home when the relative needed social care as it becomes a very easy way for local authorities and social care to tick a box saying "care is provided by the family so they're safe to discharge/we don't need to be involved". This leaves the family (who may have children as well to raise) in an awful situation of wanting to make sure their relative is safe, but not wanting to pause their whole lives for an unspecified amount of time because social care find excuses not to provide care.

OP's sister has provided 7 years of care to her mum, her mum's health has deteriorated and she's refusing to take the reasonable steps that would support her safety. OP's mum has capacity to make that decision but it is a huge responsibility for OP's sister who, understandably, would feel worried about being away from the house for a day or more because she knows her mother might fall, isn't using her nebuliser and won't wear a care alarm to alert anyone if she falls.

The OP is looking at the money and not at the practical reality of caring for an aging relative.

And I am never going in a home. I would rather die at home from a fall than go in a home.

@Celinia She had a house she owned.

Sorry I’m going play devil’s advocate here because caring for elderly people at home can become difficult. In fairness your mum has lived with your family for 7 years. If she’d lived independently she would’ve either had to rent or buy a suitable place which may have wiped out her savings?

When was the last time you saw your mum? It could be she is much more frail and unsteady? Her purpose built granny flat could enable her to stay put but she’ll need the alarm, carers and equipment. If she’s a falls risk but is refusing carers then she won’t be able to have a shower by herself. Is your mum becoming incontinent? Does she have early signs of dementia? Again it would be difficult to manage this without extra care.

A lot of elderly people refuse this extra help and don’t want to go into residential care which places the onus on relatives to provide care. They will need to dress, change, shower/wash her and provide meals so will need to be on hand 3-4 times a day to do this. Do they have care experience? They will also need to check her regularly to make sure she hasn’t fallen over both during the day and night.

Regarding the granny flat extension: did they ever explain why they couldn’t provide the extra bedroom? Were there practical difficulties in extending the floor space?

Yes. We know all that. But she is not refusing to have her mother back. Or if she is, OP hasn't mentioned it. And given how she feels about her sister, I think she'd have told us if that was the case.

But they have no idea if the state will even pay for a care home.
And the mother can refuse. She can say instead if you will not allow me home then I need a rented flat and no carers.

Sister can say she will not provide care. She can not say her mother has to go into a care home.

Me too, especially given the OP lives a fair way away and doesn’t seem to have done any caring herself.

Nowhere has it been said that the sister won't allow her back. Simply that she and the other siblings think that she'd be better in a care home.

And to be honest, given how stubborn the mother is being about refusing a nebulizer, carers and an alarm, I can see their point.
Talking responsibility for someone who needs those things but refuses them is a massive ask. And actually quite scary.

Do you know anything about the planning situation OP? Your mum's original plans may not have been possible, therefore an annexe with an extra room in the main house may have been the best compromise.

It would be very interesting to hear the sister's side of things.

On the face of it it sounds as though your mother has been the sacrificial lamb to your sisters greed. But that’s what can happen when you make decisions like this.

But if the sister does not allow her mum back home, she will make her homeless.

Nope. I've re-read and there's no mention of making her homeless

But the sister is threatening to make her mother homeless

Is she @AllOutofEverything ? I need to go back and read OP's posts because I've not seen that threatened at all.

But the sister is threatening to make her mother homeless. Adults can decline care if they want. Many people do until they have no choice. If the mum was still living in her own home she could decline care and the sister could decline to provide care. As it is the only choice the mum has is to accept care or to go into a rented flat.

Slightly similar but my parents built an annexe (one bed bungalow, separate entrance etc) for my grandparents. My grandparents sold their home (bought late in life so only about 30k in equity) and contributed about 50% to the build (it was 20 years ago). The plan was my grandparents would spend their old age there. Unfortunately my gran died suddenly after about 1 year and grandad lived there for another 2 years before wanting to move back into the city (near other family). When he got his own place my parents rented out the annexe and gave him the rent (minus about 10% to cover heating). This went on for 10 years until grandad died.

Did your mum spend all her life savings on the annexe?

If she's deemed to have mental capacity then your siblings can't make her go in a home.

your sister has fraudulently increased her own wealth while depriving your mum.of security and comfort in her final years. it's sickening.

There might well have been fraud. But the sister has hardly deprived her mother of security and comfort. She's had the security of a brand new granny flat and her daughter's care for seven years.

This makes no sense. 7 years is the cut off for an outright gift counting back from when the person has died. The mother here has not died. The fact it's 7 years is completely irrelevant to whether it's counted as a gift with a reservation of benefit.

I agree with this.
The issue is not refusing to give care. The issue is making the mum homeless.

Perhaps if you added up 7 years of live in care costs you might feel better OP. It’s about £40k per year. Did your Mum “give” your sister £280,000.

This. It's much harder than you realise OP. Did you offer the same (for your mum to live with you)?

This. Although it does sound like your sister has tried but your mum is making things difficult such as not wearing her necklace, and your sister is right regarding your mum falling. As PP said, get some legal advice, but it sounds like your mum should have really made the terms more clear before selling her house and handing over the money (and I'm assuming she was mentally fit when the extension was built?). Also maybe your sister only agreed while your mum required certain level of care (which is fair). It sounds like bad luck for your mum but not sure if there's much you can do.

your mum is the victim of financial abuse, perpetrated by your sister. given that the rest of the siblings have done nothing you are all complicit but you can redeem yourself if you blow the whistle now.

find out who the safeguarding lead is at the hospital and give then all the details as above. financial abuse and exploitation of elderly people is a crime and your sister has fraudulently increased her own wealth while depriving your mum.of security and comfort in her final years. it's sickening.

Shes refusing to wear the alarm

Shes refusing breathing equipment

Shes refusing carers

What do you expect your sister to do? Give her job up to provide care?

The planning permission might not have been approved for 2 bedrooms.

Could you give up your time and home to care for her? You live far away its easy for you to have an opinion. The fact the rest of the siblings are in agreement says alot.

Does your mum have form for being so stubborn? If so your sister has more than earned that extra bedroom by looking after your Mum for the best part of a decade.

No matter what their agreement was 7 years ago, your Mum needs to meet your sister half way and wear her alarm and nebuliser if she wants to stay at home. Your sister is only human and it is extremely difficult to help look after someone who won't do basic things to care for themselves.

Why do you think your siblings agree with your sister if they do not stand to gain financially? It's so easy for you to look at your sister and say she is money grabbing and that you would do things better. But you are not in the trenches, you are a long way away and don't have to care for your mother every day.