Siblings want to put mum in a home

I think the thing is things change over time there is no way 7 years ago this could be forseen by those emotionally involved. For the more objective its obvious to be fair.

With regard to refusing care etc its not an option this needs to be worked on even if someone is introduce as a "cleaner" initially maybe for your sister to "free her time up for Mum", maybe making it part of her job to go for a cup of tea. We had this issue with my parents and it put a terrible strain particularly on the 3 girls - eventually we persuaded the more able parent that a cleaner wld be good, we had them come over and made having a chat part of it, then things worsened for the more able parent so we talked about having someone come to support them caring and helping with lifting so it was slowly slowly catchy monkey - this was on top of care provided by 6 siblings so in some ways we had it easy as there were so many of us, MIL was a diff story and I ended up doing that in full lockdown on my own couldn't even get the GP out fuckers, they sent a nurse and made me drag her downstairs to an open door for an exam!!!

OP, I am not sure what you were expecting? Your sister to pay for an annex out of her own pocket and then care for your mother so you still had inheritance? If your mother had stayed in her own home the money would be gone from carer fees anyway it sounds like and your mother probably would have still ended up in a home which her house would then be sold to pay for.

I agree, it’s always the sibling who lives the furthest away who kicks up the most fuss. They normally just speak to their parent on the phone and have no idea of the day to day practicalities of caring for them. Always want their slice of the inheritance pie though.

A bitch for caring for her mum for seven years and now finding that her care needs can no longer be safely met at home? Really?

How much help have you offered to your mum before she moved and the annexe was built and since @Florencenightingalewasfab with regards to the judgement that you are levelling at your sister?

All those changes don't happen overnight or without all parties agreeing.

You can't realistically expect your family members to watch that I'm afraid. The reality is an elderly person lying in their own excrement, endlessly calling an ambulance to support their lifestyle choices and haphazardly ending up in care while your next of kin is driven frantic and harassed by social workers asking them what they're going to do about you.

She can't decline care endlessly. Realistically if she's ending up in hospital frequently sand family members are unable to discharge the responsibilities identified by her social worker, there comes a time when she goes to hospital and can't pass the assessments needed to get back out to that specific environment. Then she's looking at respite nursing home care and potentially only has the opportunity to say no twice to nursing homes offered by SS before being obliged to accept the third one. There are plenty of people in care homes who didn't want to go. Sadly families today are just not set up to cater for advanced elderly needs in our family groups. We can barely manage child care.

Well what’s done is done.
DM made her choices even if you think it was a bad one.
Late 70s is relatively young nowadays - I can’t see her being put in a home against her wishes.
But you could ask to be present when SS and / or occupational therapists are there to assess her. To make sure they get the correct facts . As for funding of care home fees - perhaps cab (citizens advise) can advise.

The choice was taken out of their hands due to lacking capacity. Being elderly isn’t for the feint hearted.

@ChilliBandit I actually feel very sorry for the sister, I reckon she feels like she is being held over a barrel. Her mum refuses to do a few things to make everyone's life a little easier, meaning her care needs are much more complex then they need to be, or she faces potentially massive financial issues arranging care for her. All of this after looking after the mum for seven years already.

The strain on the sister's marriage and other commitments must be enormous. Then to add fuel to the fire she has her sister who hasn't lifted a finger by the sound of it, undermining her and comparing her to a Nazi! By the way OP, never refer to anyone as a Nazi, unless they actually are a neo Nazi, it's very, very inappropriate. I'm pleased that the sister has a support network in the other siblings, who I suspect know much more about the situation than OP does.

We don’t know how much the house sold for or how much the extension cost. I’m assuming (but don’t know) if the mum paid towards household expenses.

If she’d rented a purpose built oap flat in my area, she would’ve been paying approx £600 pcm plus bills = minimum of 850 pcm. In 7 yrs that’s over £71k.

But that is why there needs to be a care assessment.
And if she can go home then the medics will probably just drop off the mum at the house. People do not understand how this all works. The state will do what it can to avoid paying for care.

@Celinia I am sorry to hear that, but that is their choice. Most care homes are pretty shit places unless you are happy with regimentation and communal living. Quality of life matters more than just quantity.

If your Mum wants to stay at your sisters she has to accept carers coming in. It's unfair on your sister and brother-in-law to be fulltime carers with no respite. They have made sure your Mum is ok for the last 7 years, presumably helped her out daily but needing 24hr care is different.

@Florencenightingalewasfab you are painting your sister and BIL in a very bad light. They've been doing the lions share of sorting your Mum out for the last 7 years. What do you think should happen, that your Mum should still live there, refuse carers and your sister and BIL should do this indefinitely? If you don't want your Mum to go into a home have you offered her a room at yours?

Your sister is a bitch and has had your mum and all of you over. Why did you allow all this to happen and not put a stop to it. But you know this. So what are you going to do now?

We’ve recently been in this situation where an elderly relative did not want to go in a home. They spent time in and out of hospital because of infections and falls.

AllOutofEverything
Agreed that it's an unforeseen consequences of doing a granny flat extension. You're right that the sister can't prevent a medic dropping her mother off at the door though.

There was a thread on here years ago now about a wife saying to hospital that she couldn't provide the post -op care her husband needed so he either needed to remain in hospital until he was fit to be independent or a care plan needed implementing.

I think the thing that jumps out to me on this thread is that the OP's other siblings are in agreement with her sister, which makes the whole thread seem like yet another thread where the child who is miles away and not involved suddenly develops an interest when they think their inheritance might disappear.

@ChilliBandit Thanks, it is fine. Just reality.

@Celinia So the stuff about how she would have spent that same amount of money buying a house or renting is not true. She had a house and gave the money to her DD. Rents are high at the moment, but it would have to be a remarkably cheap house to equate to the market rent for a 1 bedroom extension.

@AllOutofEverything - I am sorry to hear that.

@AllOutofEverything “Celinia She had a house she owned.” Yes I’m aware of that.

@ChilliBandit We had to leave father in law without care as he refused carers and we had reached the stage where closest family could no longer cope. He lasted ten days and then gave in and accepted carers. I am sure he had a truly shit 10 days, but we had to be tough.
My children have a life limiting disability so I will be sorting out my own care. There will be no one else to do it.

@LolaSmiles I know and I agree with that approach to not providing care if it is your house. But it is one of the real downsides of an extension to house your elderly mum that the sister has done. Because you can't evict someone from their own house. If DH needed care and I want carers I can refuse to provide care and refuse to pick him up from the hospital. I can not stop him entering the house though with help from a medic.

If the mum only needs carers popping in and a call alarm then the state is very unlikely to pay for a care home. She will be expected to either return home and have carers or to refuse carers - the choice is hers. Or to move into a rented flat with carers or no carers.

My mother in law has said the same, but she has also said she has planned her finances around paying for carers if that needs to happen.

I think a lot of elderly people do not realise the amount of work they expect younger family to put into helping them, even if just subconsciously. The amount of people I know with grandparents who think they are independent when really their children are tearing their hair out supporting this “independence”. Because really unless there are reasons such as abuse etc, people don’t tend to want to let their parents die alone at home from a fall.

I did ask how mums care fees would be funded and was informed that the state would pay as she has no house to sell!!

The council won't pay.

Your sister had been very unwise and unless she has the cash in the bank she can pay your mum back, she's going to be in a whole heap of bother. The council will be all over this for deprivation of assets.