Siblings want to put mum in a home

Do you work, OP? Do you actually have capacity to give all care to your mum, without carers or alerts, even if there was space?

i doubt your mum would be keen to move to a room in your house - I assume what she wants is her familiar surroundings where she has been settled for 7 years. And she would have every capacity to decide not to move 90 mins away.

I thought it wasn’t about the money but your mums best interests…

So you want the money that was spent 7 years ago when the extension was built and then you'll look after your mum?

Your mum isn't a pawn in the dynamic between you and your sister. If you've been gaslighted by your family and consider them toxic, how can it be in anyone's best interests for your mum to live with you?

If you have health issues of your own, are you capable of caring for your mum? Of having construction work done to make space for her? Make a lifetime (your mum's lifetime) commitment?

Most elderly people don't want to go into a home. Would you? It's a very difficult decision to have to make. Between the two of you, I'd venture that your sister is best placed to decide with your mum, not you.

It seems to me from all your posts that your issue is really with your siblings, especially your sister, and your BIL. This isn't mostly about your mum.

Most people don’t want to go into a home. It’s not up to your mum alone, though - if your sister has given 7 years and your mum won’t accept additional help an devices to keep her safe, what do you actually expect your sister to do?

How and why would your mum have come to you and also given you poa if you are so estranged and the black sheep of the family?

Gosh I am glad you found out who the Gestapo were here rather than accidently using the word inappropriately at work, us vipers come in handy for something!

If you have been estranged for years, you don't have enough information about the circumstances to make any of this your business. Wading in will only create drama for you and them.

I hope you are fully recovered from your illness.

When my elderly grandfather was very unwell, he came to live with us. I was a teen at the time. Nobody knew how long he had left, months or years, including my parents. It was an open-ended commitment.

Until you’ve experienced it, you can’t know how much having an elderly person living in your home changes everything. Childcare. Mealtimes. Holidays. Having people over. Going out. Keeping a pet. Not to mention finances, or wider family dynamics.

As such, I think you should hold your counsel about the ins and outs of what’s going on with your mum. She’s been there 7 years. I’d your sister has children, that’s a heck of a long time, a lot of compromises, many sacrifices.

You say that you want and need nothing from your mum. Good. Leave it at that. Visit her. Spend time with her wherever she’s living. And nothing else.

If you don’t like the arrangements your sister is making, have your mum come to live with you. If you can’t - keep quiet. She’s being looked after, and well enough by the sound of things. That’s enough.

Yes, I rather agree with this - it’s crap if your family have cut you out, but it sounds like DSis and DM have worked it out ok for 7 years and now need to figure out next steps together.

OP doesn’t have access to her mother’s accounts so she doesn’t know how much her mum has. OP says the sister/bil have access to the mum’s account. Maybe there are savings? If the sister is saying the council will pay towards the cost of mum’s social care then this means the mum has less than £23k. The OP doesn’t know what financial arrangements the mum has made with sister and bil. It’s a guessing game. If the OP is really concerned about financial abuse then she’ll need to get some legal advice.

@Florencenightingalewasfab you say your primary concern is your DM care however on numerous occasions you have mentioned money, and the value of your DSIS house, just out of interest do you regularly visit your DM?

Are there any cases where a council has clawed back “deprived” assets? I know they search, but has any council actually managed to obtain funds sunk into a relative’s property in which the relatives still occupy?

Giving the dsis the benefit of the doubt, things do change and often caring at home becomes not just impossible but body and soul-destroying. I know several people who have done the sinking of a parent’s money into a granny annexe arrangement in return for lifelong care, and in most cases it has gone pear-shaped. Few elderly people suddenly keel over neatly; there is unfortunaly usually a long, long, long period of decline.

Why are you that fussed then OP? Why are you trying to get involved if everyone is so toxic? From your most recent update I would really say it’s none of your business what happens with your mothers care home. It sounds like it’s best for you if you kept out of it.

Gestapo = Nazi secret police. Perhaps don’t use that word if you don’t know the meaning.

Have you recovered from suddenly losing all feeling from the waist down?

@SheilaFentiman True. Anyway the sister will soon find out it is not as easy as she thinks to put her mum in a home and get the state to pay.

@Florencenightingalewasfab from your own words 'My sis ( well, her sleazy bullying gaslighting DH) are like the Gestapo.'

I think we are into very speculative territory - just because the sister has said there is “no money” for care home fees doesn’t mean that is the case in the actual savings level

@Celinia The mother will still have had an income even if only a state pension. It must have been used as 7 years of that unspent would be more than the savings allowed for the state to pay care home fees. If OP is right she says there are no savings.
But the point is the sisters house is her home and the mum has some legal rights to live there.