Siblings want to put mum in a home

I think it was very foolish of your mother and sister to come to the arrangement that they did.

Obviously I has left a very messy situation to deal with now…

But I don’t think your sister is necessarily the bad guy. Your mom is refusing essential care and your sister cannot cope anymore, what other solution is there than residential care ?

your posts seem completely coloured by money/inheritance, rather than facing facts about the reality of your mothers care situation.

It’s a shame about the money, but it doesn’t sound like there is much can be done about it now. I think you need to let go.

This lack of insight or ability to respond appropriately to her own care needs is lacking capacity, basically. The alternative is endless ambulances being called, beds used for unnecessary injuries and UTIs etc, and carers eventually refusing to come anyway.

If you're elderly and need help, you're not being a grown up about your own life or the needs of our society if you think you can do as you like and call an ambulance every time you can't get up.

We have a similar situation, without the inheritance mixing things up.
Mil moved next door to SIL. Sil has done most of the care and whilst it doesn't go into some of the heavy lifting personal care that some have to deal with, the burden has had serious consequences for SIL's mental health. SIL has demanded that mil goes into a home - mil doesn't want to, and doesn't want carers or cleaners either, like a lot of older people she wants her family to look after her. We live 3 hours away - it's a hard situation to be in too, mostly we didn't know the situation had got so bad - no one told us, Mil put on a good show so it wasn't evident from visits. She's still relatively independent and able to live alone so getting into a care home is not going to happen. When she's asked by the nurse if she needs carers she says no. And the only reason she can say no is because her family do it. MIL has been forced to accept carers now because her family can't continue to do it. She doesn't like it, she cries about it which is upsetting to see but she doesn't have a choice, her family have the right to a life too.

I can well imagine offering to care for your mother 7 years ago seemed like a good idea at the time but as your mother has got older her needs have increased and I think it's perfectly reasonable of your sister to say she can't cope anymore - she had no idea how hard it was going to be - she can't be held to looking after your Mum regardless of the weight of care needed. Maybe you should offer to have your mum stay with you for a while to give your sister some rest bite?

The relationship with your sister and the rest of your family has inevitably deteriorated - it's such a common thing to happen regardless of which side of the divide you sit on - the burden of old age parents sits heavily on everyone and the promise of inheritance or lack of it doesn't help, all too often a family falls apart rather than pulling together. I know so many families that have been torn apart over this burden and the elderly parents, who have no plan for their own care and are well-practised in the art of being difficult and saying no to help, do not improve the situation. One of my friends cared for her Mum in her own house for 10 years - when her mum finally died in her mid 90s her overwhelming feeling was relief - she loved her mum dearly but she was completely exhausted and now suffers from terrible guilt over her feelings.

I think you have no idea what your sister is going through - you only see her with dollar signs for eyes - life is a lot more complicated than that.

And your mum needs to understand she can not say ‘I don’t want to go in a home’ but also refuse all help in the house. She needs to compromise somewhere

Op you may not mean to. But you come across as the family members who turn up, after not doing anything the criticise the care their elderly relative has. But doesn’t do anything to help. Just criticise.

You hint your mother could be quite toxic. The fact that she wanted a 2 bed place building, doesn’t mean it was possible. Since you seem to reluctant to actually have a conversation with your sister, I am guessing you don’t know the details.

Your sister and her husband, if they are so clued up to attempt to deprive your mother, will know that putting her in a home (if it’s at all possible) will, potentially, cause them a financial problem. But they still think it’s the best thing.

Since you haven’t been the one caring for your mum, you have no clue the impact she is having. or why they are doing things the way they are. It may come across as controlling, but likely they are just trying to do things in a way that causes less stress. I remember grandad, causing all sorts of problems when he had spoke to someone on the phone. Because he would out and out lie about the conversation. He would lie to other people. He once told neighbours he woke up to my cousin sneaking around his bedroom stealing from him. She wasn’t, she was at my house. So yes, we didn’t really want him talking to people without someone there. Because in this instance the neighbour called the police. Grandad was toxic. He loved causing issues. Between the family and others or within the family. He was always the same. He loved winding his eldest daughter up on Christmas Day until she would snap. Which is why we stopped spending Christmas as a family.

Looking after him was exhausting. It aged my mum terribly and she died less than 6 years after him.

You seem full of reasons why you couldn’t do anything. You didn’t see the plans, you don’t know the detail, you weren’t there for this happening or that happening. But you also seem to have a really solid opinion on what’s happening. Despite not actually being around for any of it.

Op on top of the great advice you've had could you get mum an Alexa so you can just "drop in" and talk to her in her flat whenever you want to? You could do it during the day when everyone's busy/at work?

Not just on MN, in real life too 😬

There's a trend on MN for estranged adult children to show up when they think they're losing out financially

This👆

This is true. I take back earlier when I said that the sister was sly, I hadn't factored in that she had already done 7 years care. I also agree with poster above, you haven't done anything and now are trying to interfere. You don't know what the day to day entails

The siblings have seen the work put in by their sister and agree it's time mum went into a home. They're best placed to know how hard it is now. Not a sibling who lives 90 miles away and has no relationship with the rest of the family

You are seriously underestimating the debt you owe your sister for caring for your mother for so long.

Your sister has been looking after her for 7 years and is now struggling because your mother won't accept anything that will help.

I don't think it matters if they built they Taj Mahal after she moved in, you need to back off. What have you done to actually help here?

I wonder if that is what your sister said seven years ago……

Well what is the plan?

Your sister has been providing continuous care, to a growing degree for seven years. Presumably managing her bills and finances for her if she has access to banking. Your DM now refuses to accept nebulisers, carers, any other support other than your sister's presence. Your other siblings with no financial interest agree that she needs residential care if she won't accept professional care at home. What is your alternative for someone who needs care and refuses to accept it in the home?

You say yourself you are distanced from the family, you don't get on and have little contact and yet you are confidently asserting from 90 miles away that despite having lived through the PITA that is planning and building work, caring for your mother for seven years including her finances she is the grabby one. Paid support and care for the last seven years would wipe out any inheritance from the average family house and then some.

@Florencenightingalewasfab
I understand how frustrated you must feel, however have you talked to your other 2 siblings about this to gain a better understanding?

So you're estranged from you family, think they're dramatic, they gaslight you and you've not been involved in the care for your Mum when your sister had for 7 years and now you're getting twitchy because your other siblings all agree there might be an imminent point coming up where your elderly mother (who refuses to do the things that will keep her safe in her granny flat) might need to go into a care home.

There's a trend on MN for estranged adult children to show up when they think they're losing out financially.

This is an interesting case.

I don't want to sound harsh, but from what you've described your mum isn't being helpful and it does sound like she needs to go into care. You taking her in will only prolong the inevitable and as you currently don't have the space or means to long after her, that process in itself will take time - which you don't have. If your mum is being abused then certainly investigate, but be fair and reasonable. You aren't around to know how hard it is to take care of an elderly parent. I would just let it go as far as the extension goes, it was probably done with the right intention at the time and even if it wasn't, your mum was part of this and willing. Let it go for your own sake more than anything

Was your Mum in good health when she moved in to your Sisters ? she will only have been in her early 70's then. So has it been a case of her health deteriorating in the recent past, culminating in this hospital admission ?
I think your Mum was very naive to think that the annexe would mean no possibility of residential care later on in her life and it sounds as though it still isn't a neccessity if she would agree to a care package and the lifeline and nebuliser.

What I would say rings alarm bells is that your DM doesn't have access to her money.

Financial abuse is taken very seriously but it's one hell of a can of worms to open....

Planning would take months, you'd be lucky if your home was ready inside two years. Building costs extortionate.

Can I ask why you aren’t engaging with the care points?

Well it seems you are not physically or mentally strong enough to take on this burden. You say that your mother said you were a drama queen when you were ill. Why bring further toxicity into your life.

If you work can you take time off for every crisis, incident that arises. Do you have a partner to help you?

I told sis that she can give me whatever she got from my mum and I will look after her. Otherwise there's no room. Besides which mum.expressed many years ago she never wanted to go into a home and would love with sis instead

So you have basically said you can't look after her. Your sister can hardly rip the extension down brick by brick and hand it over to you can she? If you can't look after her, and your sister can no longer cope with your mother's medical needs because she is refusing medical devices and professional carers. What do you expect her to do?