Siblings want to put mum in a home

7 years puts a different complexion on it and it's not so clear cut.

No, your sister likely doesn't want to have to come home every time to the worry that she'll find her mother dead or injured on the floor.

I suspect your sister is earning her extra bedroom with harder graft than you imagine.

If your mum doesn’t want to go to a care home it’s her right. Social services do need to be involved and they can sort out carers if she needs them. For whatever reason she gave her money to your sister and you can’t do anything about it sadly. Does she have anything in writing that the money she gave was for her to live there etc?

But she won't accept carers.

Seriously, you seem oblivious to what your sister has had to deal with all this time. It's a massive responsibility caring for an elderly parent. It restricts your own life even more than a small child does, because you can't just take her with you everywhere you go, but she's not safe left alone.

This is really messy.

On the face of it, your mum's assets haven't been protected. However do you know how they are left in the will?

More importantly, the existence of the annex doesn't mean that it's the right place for your mum to be at this stage. It may be. But if she's refusing the safeguarding being offered and refusing carers it does put your sister in an impossible position. To be fair to your sister, she won't have known that your mum would do this and it would be her trying to manage on her own. It's a huge responsibility and if she's at the point where your mum is being hospitalised frequently, the stress is probably starting to become unbearable. Annex or no annex, my guess is that your mum's care needs are probably too great for one family to safely manage and this is the important bit.

Don't cause a rift between yourself and your sister during your mum's last days, it's not worth it.

If your mum moved in with sis seven years ago, and is as difficult as she sounds, though sis had been crafty, she's put in the time. It's not like it's been seven months. And during that time you've been able to live your life free of responsibility for your mum.

She won't accept carers, an alarm or a nebulizer. That's a nightmare for the person responsible for her, to be fair.

Maybe you can convince her to accept all those things so she can stay in the granny flat (and annoy your sister for longer).

Hmm having seen first hand my mum and my husband's mum trying to look after their mothers in their own home I think you're being a bit naive here.

It's incredibly difficult, and if your mum is being obstinate and refusing reasonable things then I can see why your sibling is thinking a home might be a better option.

I think you need to separate the issues here. One is the financial situation but the other is your mothers care needs, which have changed. The idea of making her a room on the understanding she won't have to go into a home is quite mad. Nobody can see the future and there was always going to be a high chance your mum would need residential care.

I think your mum's actual needs and what she will agree to, and the money side, are two separate questions.

I would ask your mum for a family meeting at the hospital, to include your mum and anyone involved in her care, the doctors and very importantly the physiotherapists and occupational therapists. Get there if you can or attend remotely if there's no other way. Aim to sort out what the doctors and team really think the risks are and what your mum and sister say. If the team are recommending a pendant alarm, that will be because your mum is at risk of falls. If she won't wear an alarm and won't have carers, then the entire responsibility and worry about what to do when she falls will be up to your sister. What if she wants to go away on holiday, for the weekend or just out and about? Your mum could very easily die alone from a broken hip and hypothermia, lying in her own pee and unable to move. It might be her choice to do that, but you can see why your sister might not be too keen on being the responsible person involved.

Then the money - well, it doesn't sound great and might not have been well planned. But you say your mum is still mentally ok. Has she complained at all? There might need to be legal advice in the future, for sure.

See a lawyer. Take a day off work mid-week and turn upunannounced and spend the day with her. Or visit her in the hospital lots of hospitals now allow a visitor to come outside normal visiting hours if they are coming from a long way. Ring them up and ask.

Maybe, when you know a bit more and if you still have concerns, you could call social services care of vulnerable adults and get a bit of advice.

Hmmm your so far away and you don't do a lot and doesnt sound like you get on great either with some family. I'm really sorry but you sound annoyed you may get no money if anything happens her. To me I don't care aslong as my parents were happy and cared for and warm and comfy etc money can be spent however they wish it on whatever they wish. It wasn't your money, your mum made a decision you sound jealous to me tbh.. maybe concentrate on family and making it work trust me it's so much more important

So your mum is a fall risk, refusing to follow medical advice and the offer of assistance of carers? What more can your sister do?

Your sister sounds like she has been sly in the handling of the extension and granny flat. It's awfully convenient how she stands to gain so much.

However, if we assume the best and that your sister did intend for your mum to live there instead of an old people's home I can see how it might feel challenging now when your mum is refusing to use the nebuliser, refusing to wear a safety alarm, and is refusing carers. If your mum has mental capacity it's up to her to decline whatever care she wishes, but it isn't unreasonable for the sibling that has so far been the carer to feel differently as situations change.

Nobody can be placed in care on the say-so of a family member. They have to be assessed as needing to be in a care home. You need to have a family discussion about this , keeping in mind that you are not in a position to make much of a contribution to her care.

How long ago?

Your mother is refusing a nebuliser, an alarm, carers, I can see your families point of view.

You can't keep her safe 90 miles away, no-one can be there every minute. My friends siblings flew into the UK last month because of a similar issue. They've finally got mum to agree to go into a home and give up her flat.

It's a horrible time and you're not there every day to witness or experience it. You should go visit to get a more accurate impression.

How long ago did your mum sell her home?

What's your birth position and what have you done? You literally sound like a younger sibling who has done nothing and know is getting guilt and thinking of inheritance

If your mum has mental capacity she can’t be forced to go into a home.

What does she say about it all ?

I agree your mum should also see a lawyer.

Fuck me your sister is a sly piece of work