Can I refuse Mum's discharge from Hospital

Hi op, only just caught up on this thread. What a journey you've been through. Just another shoulder of virtual support here.

My nan had dementia and had to be moved to a home. She could no longer look after herself. We too left the home later than we should have done due to her not wanting to leave her home. She was only in her 70s too.

I hope the move goes well and she likes the home @LadyShmuck , is your dad ok with being home alone ?

@LadyShmuck It's not fair that at 71 this is what's required. Hugs to both her and to you. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing your v best for your mum. She might rally a little being in a more homely environment.

Glad to hear that your mum is medically better now. I do hope that they can fin a place to discharge her for assessment, and that you can start to get in place the care package and help that is so badly needed.

Bet those NHS managers insisting on these unsafe discharges and expecting the families to provide 24/7 care wouldnt let their own staff have time off to do the same for their relatives.

I think more and more responsibility will be handed back to families going forward

But they want everyone at work and keep putting the pension age up. Tory cunts want it both ways. They can fuck off.

Mum was in a horrible mood today and was honestly just vile to me Family bear the brunt of all the fears and frustrations, because they’re not going to just walk away. Try not to take it personally. Think of it as a toddler screaming “I hate you”.

But of course if it does get to you, you are right to stand back.

Bring back good old-fashioned cottage hospitals, that's what I say. They worked. The current system doesn't.

It certainly seems as though we have a very patchy service now especially for elderly on NHS. The govt shouldn’t have cut out convalescence hospitals and now instead our elderly are being left on wards and in all honesty are not equipped to be dealing with dementia patients some of whom will need one to one care especially at night time. Many don’t sleep at night or experience constant waking and dreadful night time incontience. We are basing our expectations on a service that no longer exists. We can’t rely on NHS to look after us or our parents/ grandparents anymore. In some form we are left to fend for ourselves and our families be that through private, at home, charity or benefits. There’s simply no certainty of any level of service now. I think more and more responsibility will be handed back to families going forward

We have a major problem in the UK with elderly people not being looked after properly - being dangerously discharged from hospital. The number of times my MIL and FIL were kicked out of hospital inappropriately was disgusting. MIL was discharged - sent home in an ambulance and put on her sofa, despite being in no fit state. She rested there for a bit and then needed the toilet. Upon getting up, she fell and an ambulance had to be called so she was back in hospital. I think that might have been the time she never came back out. FIL was discharged with a mega break that they had pinned. He couldn't move. He literally shat himself. When the carers turned up, they called us and asked could we come clean him up. We live 3 hours away. He should have been in a rehab facility. But we have no places. It's all a total fuckup - families and neighbours can only do so much. My mum had a mastectomy. She never got a bed. Her trolley that she was on in recovery was moved about until I took her home. Our country is totally broken. We need to admit it.

I totally understand what you are saying but when your mum is deemed 'medically fit for discharge' if she is expressing a wish to go home and is deemed to have the capacity to go home this is what will happen. People have the right to make what we think are unwise choices. They may well put some equipment in place, ie a commode. Depending upon the unsafe things she has been doing they may recommend the gas supply to the oven is disconnected for example, or she is provided with a falls sensor. You and your dad can both say you cannot help between care calls, and that's fair enough. But please bear in mind that plenty of mobile and immobile people with dementia live on their own with a package of care to support. Sounds like she needs a capacity assessment.

We are getting towards this stage with my dad and it sounds really heartless refusing to help. But you have to. Social services are so stretched that if they think there is even a 1% chance of discharging someone to be cared for at home they will. So you have to be very, very firm. And it's not being heartless - you have to think about your mum, and you, and your dad, and your family too. All the hospital is concerned about is your mum.

Hope you get appropriate care sorted for her soon.

Has she officially been deemed not to have capacity OP? If hospital are saying she has capacity to made a decision about going home then there is little you can do. It sounds like she may be quite advanced and not have capacity. Ensure that is documented if so. Decisions will then have to be made in her best interests. It's normally quite a jump to go from living at home with no carers to going into a care home. It's likely they will encourage your mum to try having carers first.

Sounds like she is improving then , but stand firm on the fact that she cannot go home even with a care package .

Be really firm about what you are and aren't prepared to do. It took a strongly worded email from my friends son, to the hospital social work team. To get them off our backs, about buying new furniture and preparing for discharge. We stood our ground and he was discharged to a nursing home.

I work in homecare. An assessment needs to be carried out before your mum gets discharged from the hospital. It sounds like your mum needs a homecare package and your dad could possibly need one too. Equipment would need to be put in place in their home to provide safe living such as hand rails etc

You are doing brilliantly @LadyShmuck , imagine if you’d just accepted her back home , you would have had to go straight back in again . She is obviously quite unwell so is in the best place - is your dad ok at home alone ?

It is super hard to leave her OP, but it's equally important for you to get home to eat and recharge so your have you wits about you to deal with decision making/chasing.. There will be lots of lovely people in her ward doing their best for her, even when over stretched, If you are not beside her she will probably drift off for a snooze. Does her bed have a white board behind it for patient details? Next time you are in, bring your own white board marker and write on the board things that will help the staff. Needs her glasses on at all times. Mum is always thirsty. Mum loves very milky piping hot tea. Mum has extra cold feet but the warmest heart. Tiny little nuggets will make her connections with people a bit better as with dementia she can't say these things herself.