Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

The sad thing is he will appreciate you more once you do less. There's nothing unkind, just honest and assertive. Take him through the other people and agencies he can call on - because he has capacity and agency to decide - and step back to being the dil who sees him with dh. If he is nasty just say gently 'you are being very unpleasant despite my efforts to assist which you seem to want. I am really offended at how much you take me for granted. What I can do is x, what I can't do is y. Do you still want me to do x? I will leave you to sort out on your own behalf or with dh and dsils how you do y. Right can we get back to being friends now please, I would much prefer that'. The assumption that the nearest woman regardless of her own schedule or their relationship will provide care makes my blood boil. I see it everywhere.

God knows what they do want to happen
Seems pretty obvious to me they expect the generation below them to sacrifice their own time and well-being!
I see this with mine they had a fabulous time in their golden years retired in their late 50s and then 20 years of holidays, they live a couple of hours drive away from me except I don't drive, can't afford it, never mind holidays!
A few years ago I gently suggested that they might move out of their house into some more suitable accommodation they became very agitated and then changed the subject.
I have no idea what their plans are, perhaps they thought they would stay pristine in mind and body and not need any help?🤷

This^
Why are you even letting it being your problem OP?

@camelfinger l completely agree. The mindset needs changing. Especially as it typically is “women need to give care for free”, if not they’re being “selfish”. In reality their time is precious as well

I feel for you, OP. DH's parents have always been clear that they don't want care and won't accept it, and they don't want to go into a care home. It was a frequent topic of conversation when they put his nan into care; they reminded him almost constantly that they don't want to go into a care home.

God knows what they do want to happen. It won't be me looking after them.

Sadly, you're making a bit of a rod for your own back. If you are the person who goes, you'll be the person expected to go. And then you get people like SIL, who is being a really cheeky fucker - if she wants to "protect" her inheritance and not have it spent on care, she needs to provide the care.

To be honest, I often wonder if the people who move away had this factor into their decision... DH's parents keep threatening to move closer to us, and one of many reasons that this sounds like a nightmare to me is that it feels very much like they want to be close enough that we could be relied on for daily care. Right now, they're 45 minutes away, so too far really.

It's a rotten situation; but at this point, I'd be contemplating that if you can't take it all on - maybe it's kinder to stop now and let him get used to a new normal, rather than push through, burn yourself out and him end up needing more intense care while he's in less good condition?

Yes perfect

Excellent. Your employer can no longer be flexible, you are doing additional hours, you are no longer available beyond the usual Sunday teatime visit.

We save all our lives to buy in care and help as needed when older, it's what we 'scrimp and save for'. To ensure we take responsibility for our own health and well being and not rely on busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own.
Or it should be.
I would think far less of any family member than let me run round after them in the prime of my life to meet their wants at the end of theirs.
My DM ended up on BP medication and and antidepressants doing this for my GM and would have foregone every penny of 'the inheritance' not to do so. It didn't leave fond memories of her after she'd gone.
Step away.

Your husband and his siblings need to have a meeting to discuss any likely scenarios and how they are dealt with . Made very clear that you are not going to take the responsibility if it all goes wrong ? At his age a fall is very high risk .
SILs living further away doesn’t give them less responsibility than your husband.
The SIL who is very ‘protective’ of her inheritance would make me suspect that she is influencing FIL with his decision making and judgement.
Does FIL have full mental capacity?

I don't understand why your DH is off the hook here. I mean there is some implicit criticism of the siblings who don't want to step up but surely that includes him.
Or do men not have do anything if they can get their wives to do it instead, that covers their responsibilities nicely?
How good of him to support you in stepping back.
I have some sympathy for you and agree that you need to stop what you are doing but I find it hard to see how you put yourself in this situation in the first place.

What do you do, day to day? Do you work?

I'd say something like your job conditions have changed and you are no longer available for emergencies. If you haven't got a job, get one! Even voluntary and very limited hours!

Get DH and the SiLs to have a discussion about it clarifying you are no longer available. His work means he's limited in what he can do. What do they suggest?
I'd suggest care home, which will alarm the tight SiL into agreeing to carers!

Sounds rough OP, don’t blame you for feeling the way you do.
I think as a society we need to get more used to the idea of care being something that you pay for, just like paying a cleaner, a mechanic or a gardener. (Actually gardener is probably a poor example as that tends to be one of the areas that people prefer to rope others into rather than paying for it). I don’t want to be a burden on my own children.

Is he expecting you to help with personal care?

That's a fair enough point yes. If his own kids aren't worried about it then why should OP. By stepping up that could just be trying to help him see he could do with help around the house.

Your DH needs to discuss with his siblings who is going to have Power of Attorney, both financially and socially. You need to get this in place asap. Otherwise the whole situation is insoluble, as DFIL becomes more irrational and infirm, his care needs will become more pressing, but his family will not have the power to meet them.

I really mean this. Otherwise you as the willing helper will end up responsible, but with no power. Do not allow this to happen.

This. Why do you have to do it?! I would be putting into clear and high boundaries

peaceandpotato · Today 10:27
I think his own children should be stepping up not you“

Why should anyone be “stepping up”? Care is not easy. He can afford a professional and should pay for one.

No way do we want our kids caring for us.

Why do you feel coerced into it? By who?

The reality is though, that you will fall in to that role. Intentionally, or not.

For example, if he has a fall tomorrow. It will still be you they call, it will still be you that drops everything and goes. Visits in hospital, etc.

I think a family conversation with him and all involved needs to be had, where it’s explained to him, the reasons why carers will benefit not only him but will lessen the strain on you.