Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

Definitely step back, he's not even your own dad. His own kids should be stepping up ahead of you.

@EmotionalBlackmail is correct.
The RIGHT thing to do is only agree to what you are willing and able - under foreseeable conditions - to do. Otherwise the person is not able to see the full picture and put appropriate measures in place.

Much better to say "NO" now than, "Oh I suppose I could if things don't get busy" and then ending up dropping out without notice because things GOT busy and you can't be in two places at once. And this sort of pressured situation is likely to increase the risk of elder abuse (not that I'm saying you'd thump him OP!!! Just saying how a "yes" which should be a "no" has its own risks down the line).

I have learned to think through requests (explicit or implicit) and not say "yes" unless I'm sure it would take a meteor strike for it all to go wrong. If I can think of all sorts of "what-ifs" in 5 mins! Then No!

SIL contacted us after 5 years estrangement getting her kids to write us a letter saying they missed us and wanted to get to know us . Turns out it was a lever to get back into our lives . What she really wanted was me to take over the cleaning / washing / shopping and taxi service for FiL who I had only met a handful of times while her and her siblings fucked off out of it . This is not your problem. It is you HB and siblings problem to solve. Back off now before your sucked in while the rest have fucked off .

Good for you! If you were his son in law there is no WAY he would ask this of you, sexist and entitled in the extreme. Don’t feel guilty; he isn’t neglected, he has options and is choosing not to take them. That’s on him. Elderly people in such situations want to be treated as capable of making their own decisions, well so be it 🤷🏼‍♀️ and yes it’s usually down to meanness with money and an inherent expectation that female relatives will pick up the slack and run themselves ragged.

MIL has already started dropping hints about us looking after them in future. They’re late 70s, FIL has mobility problems and needs a series of operations in his joints but they won’t move from their huge Victorian terrace with 2 sets of stairs.

While I agree with this in principle, and for some people and in some cultures it is what is agreed upon, but it isn't until crisis after crisis is thrust upon you that you realise what a nightmare it is.

I feel I need to re-iterate that none of this is the OP's responsibility to sort out.

I tried to juggle working part time with two elderley parants with very little help from other family members, did have carers in 3 times a day, but I was basically on call 7 days a week, sorting out meals, arranging care, calling in daily, even took 6 months career break as I knew it would be their last summer in their home.

It totally nearly broke me, but I did not realise at the time, there should have been much more care put into place (money was not an issue) I went through the guilt, anger etc so I no where you are coming from.

Please, please do not let yourself be put in this position, I remember when they had to go into a home the guilt, but then realised later I had my life back was not constantly on call, on top of making sure they ate, accepted carers in etc I could actually sleep and plan things to do with my life knowing they were safe and looked after.

Just do not break yourself like I did xx

I had this with my grandpa My mum phoned social services who came to do an assessment and he actually liked the carers coming in the end, I'd give them a call but I totally understand you stepping back

Did the FIL do the same for his parents/ in-laws? It’s unlikely. And so it’s not fair to expect you to do this.

It is sad to say, but I think the only thing to do is step back and wait for a crisis. Then social services and the hospital discharge team will decide what help he needs in order to return home. It is at that point that you put your foot down as hard as you possibly can and tell them that whoever is going to be looking after him, it is not going to be you.

He is NOT your dad. He is most definitely not your responsibility just because you are a woman, although I dare say your FIL and all the other relatives (including your DH) would be only to glad to step well back and let you do it. Don't.

Does anyone in the family have power of attorney? Have the siblings discussed who it might be, should it become necessary?

I am a carer (albeit a secondary carer so don't get carers allowance as that is allocated to someone else) and we have carers in 3 times a day to help. My nan needs 24 hours care a day but there are no local care homes for her to go to so of course me and my mum (nans daughter, do everything to look after her and keep her safe). But fuck me it's exhausting, I'm 36 and I look about 60 ATM! Please please think about the affect it will have on you and your family. Sunday morning I heard a noise down stairs about 6.30am and found her in her bathroom covered in wee and poo. Que hours of me cleaning up before my 8 year old got up, it makes a very long day. You are not wrong to say no, get social services involved and stand your ground!

I have been in this situation in the past, due to living very near (walking distance).
It's over now, and they were someone I loved, but I wish that before crisis point had been reached, I said said to their family- I mean their actual daughters- 'I will never be the cleaner. Driver. Provide home cooking on a regular basis. Or be a personal carer. Or do laundry.'
I ended up doing all those things, and hospital visits too. There was no shortage of money. Again, it was a case of preserving inheritance, together with daughters had full time jobs and lived 2 hours away. Compared to me, full time job but 10 minutes away. It went on for years. Never again.

I have been through similar with elderly Mil and a DH who works away Mon-Fri.

As time went on I was expected to do more and more. The more I did the more other family members stood back. In the end I cut right down and only visited every week or two for an hour or so. My visits became strictly social and I refused to be involved in any care. Every so often I wouldn’t be available, either because I was ill or because I was genuinely busy with other things like work or having a life. Just don’t be so available. Make up an excuse and lie if you have to but start to miss the odd visit and step back.

I made it clear that I was not next of kin and should not be first contact in an emergency. I remember one time I was out with friends and was contacted by MIL to take her to hospital after a fall. I was in a city 50 miles away on my second glass of wine so suggested she call BIL (her son) or his wife who stay 5 mins away from her.

It’s amazing what others will try and get away with if there is someone there foolish enough to do it all.

As my ILs closest relatives, the care was always looking like it was going to fall to me.

MIL does have a golden child who she dotes on and has been funding their champagne lifestyle for years (SIL And BIL opt not to work but live very, very well) whereas my DH, her son, works full time and we live in a shitty council flat) We don't want ILs money and support ourselves for everything we need but DH does feel sad at the blatant, open favouritism.
Up to last year I was being expected to run around for the ILs because a) DIL lives too far away to do anything and b) my husband is male and therefore not even a consideration apparently. He would have been happy to go.

I did it for a while but then realised that it simply wasn't my job. ILs are both tactless and rude and I wouldn't run around after my own crappy mum never mind someone else's. I just became busy all the time and DH started going on his days off instead but only when he felt like it. They will be paying for their own carers in the future and SIL is going to hate watching her inheritance disappear. Oh well.

It’s a tough situation. MIL is same age and is just about managing. Her mobility is limited and after à recent long stay in hospital we were amazed she managed to get home. But she does need support. We are fortunate in that her 3 children are all in the same page, but all live 2 hours away in pressured jobs.

we’ve managed to get her to accept Sainsbury’s on line (her DD does order), and a physio once a fortnight, plus carers (you can’t call them that) twice a week to help around house and be there when she showers. It’s a gradual thing. The bottom line is that without these things in place, the next stop is a home, and she’s not keen.

Weve potentially got the same with my dad… not easy. He’s drifting into relying on neighbours which may be ok in short term, but isn’t fair long term. Boundaries are so important.

What happens if you say to FIL you're very busy/it's not convenient?

Every time he needs help (or you feel like he need something doing) I would message the SIL's. EVERY SINGLE TIME. "Your dad needs some laundry doing, what should we do about that?" "Your dad needs some shopping, what should we do about that?" EVERY TIME!

Good luck! @codandchipsandpeas

It was a wake up for me when I couldn't physically go (as unable to drive that time!) and had to say 'no'. My DB, helpfully, informed me it would be "easier" if I went - easier for whom?!  That's when I realised everyone was just assuming I'd do everything.

You don't even have to say no if you have your phone off as you don't know about the call (I had one msg about an A and E visit that arrived at 8.15am when I'd already set off to work. I didn't see it until after 6pm, by which point it was mostly resolved! No need for me at all!).

Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.

I would encourage a family conference, where you all express concerns about his wellbeing and how he may end up in care if he has a bad fall etc. You need to dangle a carrot rather than beat with a stick here, and tell him that if he wants to remain at home then he needs to have a strong support network to do so. My Dad was always terrified of going into hospital so we were able to introduce care to him as a way of avoiding this.

Have lived this. Fuck SIL wanting more inheritance.

Your DH is on board with stepping back listen to him. If it ends up that he falls or doesn’t eat or wash then that’s on him not you.

Tell him one last time you enjoy visiting socially and can do that if he has a cleaner and carer but you are not taking on that role.

And I've made suggestions for things that would make life easier - keysafe, keeping a hospital bag packed and easily accessible type stuff. None of these suggestions have been acted on(!) but it means next time she goes in and she moans about how much it put the neighbours out having to find her toilet bag or clothes, I can point out she could have done something about it!

I got some really useful advice on here for a similar situation - see username!

Basically, don't be available unless you want to be. An IRL friend also pointed out to me that you don't have to go, even when it's an emergency. They [and the hospital etc staff] will have to cope and find solutions. Being available to gives them an easy solution without thinking about it.

We actually had a trial run as there was a hospital admission but I couldn't drive then for medical reasons so no way could I go. That meant friends and neighbours had to rally round.

I got loads of support on here for implementing boundaries - I don't answer my phone between 8am and 6pm (in theory this covers work and commute - they don't have to know if you are actually available between these times). I use the VIP settings on my mobile so only DH and DD's school can get through to me. This means DM has to contact someone else if there is a crisis and has had to involve local friends etc rather than me.

I also have a weekend 'policy' in my head now. If there's a crisis then I might go, if I'm able to. But we, as a family have a lot on at the moment with external timeframes that can't be altered, so I'm often not available. Again, this is useful as it means other things have to be put in place rather than assuming the woman is always available to deal with it.