Page 3 | Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

codandchipsandpeas · 2023-01-30T10:20:13+00:00

Sorry for the slightly odd title but I would value any opinions or advice on this. I'm going to keep it vague, there's a lot of back story I won't go in to. Elderly FIL, been on his own for 2 years since MIL passed away. As the closest relative (geographically) I have always tried to pop over and help with little jobs, take him out to the shops, cook a meal, just go for a chat. I have also on numerous occasions helped when he has been in hospital with visiting, dropping stuff off etc. There are SILs but historically they have chosen not to be involved although this has improved recently. FILs health is declining. He is refusing to accept any form of carer. This is of course his choice. Money is not an issue in any way whatsoever, he just doesn't want to spend it. He told us this recently. I do not want to gradually fall in to the role of carer. It's too much expectation and I have my own job and responsibilities at home. It's half an hour to get there so not just down the road. I resent the assumption that I will do it just because I've always been the one to go. There have been a few emergency situations and I am expected to drop everything and pick up the pieces. It makes me cross because no one has asked me if I'm OK with this. DH is fully supportive of me stepping back. He says FIL has made his choice and will have to live with it. He often works away so while he does what he can, this is limited. I feel a conflict of emotions, guilt for not doing more and anger for FILs refusal to help himself and take the pressure off me. There is a lot of emotional blackmail in the language he uses, a lot of barbed comments about what I haven't done and should be doing. He's not really coping with jobs like the laundry etc. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice about how to handle this, or whether I should just suck it up and do what's needed?

HamBone · 31/01/2023 22:06

larchforest · 31/01/2023 18:49

There is still a pervading attitude among the 75+ age group that women in the generation below them either don't work at all, or they are only going out to work for a little bit of pin money.

They want to stay in their own home, they refuse point blank to entertain the idea of spending money on carers or even a cleaner, and insist that they can manage. With you popping round all the time, naturally.

Even if they don’t think exactly like that @larchforest, they often have an idealized view of how families looked after each other back in the old days.

My Dad (85) is convinced that everyone either had grandparents living with them in their home, or spent years looking after them. Even though that wasn’t always the case in his family…and those that did were either very put upon or had loads of help (e.g., multiple siblings helping out). This didn’t happen with his own parents though, they were far more independent that he wants to be!

JenniferBooth · 31/01/2023 19:18

@larchforest My 86 year old mum (shes 87 in Feb) does not think like that at all She worked fulltime herself until she retired at Christmas 2015 two months before her 80th birthday.

MissHappiness · 31/01/2023 19:13

I don't suppose there is anyone else in his family history who he or his wife had to help in earlier years?

I managed to get my mum to accept carers by talking to her about her own mother and how a lot of care fell on my aunt. (Most of the the women in my famil seem to live well into their eighties and get slow onset Alzheimers from around 85.)

I was nice to her and said that I knew why she hated the idea but we needed to think ahead and make plans in case she got as bad as my gran was in the end.

That worked way better for me than the times I got mad as my mum's personality was such that the more you pushed, the more she pushed back. This way it was her (grudging) choice. She ended up mightily entertained by the carers' private lives.

But care companies can be quite hard work too and not always able to react to emergencies either....Good luck

larchforest · 31/01/2023 18:49

There is still a pervading attitude among the 75+ age group that women in the generation below them either don't work at all, or they are only going out to work for a little bit of pin money.

They want to stay in their own home, they refuse point blank to entertain the idea of spending money on carers or even a cleaner, and insist that they can manage. With you popping round all the time, naturally.

declutteringmymind · 31/01/2023 18:37

I have done this - my MIL isn't at the stage your FIL is but I have helped her ALOT during the first 15 years of our marriage - more so than my husband.

I stepped back very gently. So went for shorter visits at my convenience rather than theirs. If she needs anything then I'll say I'll ask DH - whom she doesn't like to bother because he's too busy.

I've changed my role from caring for her to supporting my DH in caring for her.

Of course she comes out with us, I pick up shopping if I'm going that way etc, and if she needs my husband to do anything then I'll sort everything at home to free him up, encourage him to book lunch, take her shopping.

She's come to realise that it's him who isn't bothered, not me. And we have a cordial relationship which suits me fine. The favourite son is getting all the benefits child care, meals etc so I don't feel bad about them doing the grunt work.

Just do it slowly, little by little. Next time he asks for something just tell your DH. Then if DH doesn't do it then leave it up to them.

Soothsayer1 · 31/01/2023 18:22

the problem is getting FIL to accept it
he has 2 choices, carers or cope on his own, if he choses the latter then it's on him, I would just step away & refuse to get involved or discuss it.
he thinks YOU are a soft touch OP, that's why he wont back down

Original poster

codandchipsandpeas · 31/01/2023 18:17

@MrsSkylerWhite I fear this is where we will end up, with the only way to get FIL to accept carers being for things to hit rock bottom. And that will only happen if I refuse point blank to get involved. Which really goes against my nature, but as lots of people have pointed out, I'm going to have to get tougher.
To everyone who has said to leave it to carers, the problem is getting FIL to accept it. He is absolutely adamant that he won't pay for them. So sadly I think we need a crisis to happen. What a sorry situation.

OP posts:

JenniferBooth · 31/01/2023 18:11

Im a bit suspicious about these virtual wards Is this a back door way of forcing families women to do more care

countrygirl99 · 31/01/2023 16:32

That reads like I've hit the wine today 😆Mum is staying with DB for a few days so no need this week.

Justsoweary · 31/01/2023 15:29

countrygirl99 · 31/01/2023 11:02

When FIL wasat hod most demandingwe made a point of having a glass of wine aftwr work if we'd had a few bad days so we could truthfully say "sorry can come, been drinking". Thankfully the situation was resolved before we became alcoholics.

Brilliant! Can relate

countrygirl99 · 31/01/2023 11:02

When FIL wasat hod most demandingwe made a point of having a glass of wine aftwr work if we'd had a few bad days so we could truthfully say "sorry can come, been drinking". Thankfully the situation was resolved before we became alcoholics.

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/01/2023 10:39

Fingerlessmitts · Today 1020

I really don’t want to provide personal care. Mil asks dh to leave the room and then asks me for help and I don’t feel comfortable saying no, I resent being asked and put in that position. She doesn’t want paid carers either. I avoid going to her house now more and more.”

Feel the same way. It’s not an issue because we live hundreds of miles away but at one point we were the closest relatives. I made it crystal clear at that point that I would not be involved in caring for my MIL. My husband is disabled and would be unable to assist physically either.
When the time came, MIL
fought against carers tooth and nail but had to accept in the end that there was no other way. She had to hit rockbottom first, though and the carers insisted on professional cleaners first, before they would come in. Money was not the issue.

Fingerlessmitts · 31/01/2023 10:32

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/01/2023 10:22

Humiliating, possibly, but have you never been in hospital dependent for your every need on people who have no connection with you, no knowledge of you except what they’ve seen of you at your worst, rushed off their feet“

Yes. I will not have personal care from family.

I really don’t want to provide personal care. Mil asks dh to leave the room and then asks me for help and I don’t feel comfortable saying no, I resent being asked and put in that position. She doesn’t want paid carers either. I avoid going to her house now more and more.

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/01/2023 10:22

Humiliating, possibly, but have you never been in hospital dependent for your every need on people who have no connection with you, no knowledge of you except what they’ve seen of you at your worst, rushed off their feet“

Yes. I will not have personal care from family.

MereDintofPandiculation · 31/01/2023 10:21

Nicer for whom?
I would find it humiliating to have personal care from family members.

Humiliating, possibly, but have you never been in hospital dependent for your every need on people who have no connection with you, no knowledge of you except what they’ve seen of you at your worst, rushed off their feet.

I don’t have any problem accepting it’s nicer having family look after you, but that’s a separate question from whether it’s fair to ask.

A couple of practical tips 1) always time visits for a short time before you need to leave for an appointment, so you can’t extend your visit to do-one more job 2) always have an imaginary glass of wine with dinner so you can’t possibly drive

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/01/2023 09:20

Badger1970 · Yesterday 15:15
Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.“

Nicer for whom?
I would find it humiliating to have personal care from family members.

HamBone · 30/01/2023 22:27

Your husband and his siblings need to have a meeting to discuss any likely scenarios and how they are dealt with . Made very clear that you are not going to take the responsibility if it all goes wrong.

I agree with @Cannottryasp00 ,this is your DH’s and his siblings’ responsibility to sort out. OK, they do t get on, but they have to come together to figure out the next steps- you need to step back.

My Dad (85) needs support now so we employ a cleaner, have meals on wheels, and Social Services are involved ( the Elder Care team). He’s more amenable to outside help than your FIL, but the key point is that I, not my DH, arrange this and also help my Dad out myself. The most that DH does is act as a sounding board when I need to discuss the best course of action with someone.

Step back and let your DH and his sisters sort this out.

strawberriesarenot · 30/01/2023 22:15

Badger1970 · 30/01/2023 15:15

Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.

I would encourage a family conference, where you all express concerns about his wellbeing and how he may end up in care if he has a bad fall etc. You need to dangle a carrot rather than beat with a stick here, and tell him that if he wants to remain at home then he needs to have a strong support network to do so. My Dad was always terrified of going into hospital so we were able to introduce care to him as a way of avoiding this.

Nicer for whom?

For goodness sake.

dodobookends · 30/01/2023 20:55

Don't martyr yourself. Nobody will be grateful. Carers are professionals, so let them do their job, and then the family does not have that 24/7 worry in the back of their mind.

Fingerlessmitts · 30/01/2023 20:46

Sil stepped away from her mum - she was doing the majority of care but we lived nearly 3 hours away and we had Jo idea how much she was doing - mil aways seemed so capable when we visited and Sil didn’t share with us how much she was doing - so she pretty much downed tools. We stepped in and put carers in place - no other choice really - then we had the realisation that her inheritance would be spend and she might as well just die as her life is shit. Our relationship with her has deteriorated- we don’t blame her for stepping back but we do feel she is partly responsible for not communicating and then attacking us for not being mind readers. So all I can say is - keep everyone informed - don’t spring things on them. I totally believe no one should be expected to look after their parents - it should be a gift not an obligation and forget about receiving an inheritance - that cash it to pay for their old age care.

wyntersday · 30/01/2023 20:31

Stop now. My DF was like this. I am
an only child and he has always expected me to care for him despite having two young DCs. There is a very big back story to mine too but I am now all but NC with him because the pressure was seriously damaging our DCs and marriage. Preserve yourself and your marriage. It can feel hard (I’ve done a lot of crying on my path to NC) but he is being extremely selfish and you need to look after yourself.

smileladiesplease · 30/01/2023 20:22

Step back it's for dh and his siblings to sort not you. I speak as one who has been there. The more you step forward the more they retreat. Back off. He can afford care snd will if he's not getting it free from you. Don't be a mug op

Badbudgeter · 30/01/2023 19:31

I’d always recommend carers, I’ve met so many women who have run themselves into the ground caring for people who just expect it of them. Fil should spend his money, surely it’s purpose is to give him a comfortable life.

Oddly it’ll probably be cheaper in the long run if he has proper support at home as he will be able to manage independently longer. Otherwise there will be a crisis then a care home costing £1k+ a week. You could probably get a decent independent carer to do an hour a day for £100 a week or so.

cptartapp · 30/01/2023 19:20

Badger1970 · 30/01/2023 15:15

Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.

I would encourage a family conference, where you all express concerns about his wellbeing and how he may end up in care if he has a bad fall etc. You need to dangle a carrot rather than beat with a stick here, and tell him that if he wants to remain at home then he needs to have a strong support network to do so. My Dad was always terrified of going into hospital so we were able to introduce care to him as a way of avoiding this.

What's 'nicer' for the older person doesn't trump what's 'nicer' for everyone else. In fact, arguably less so.
And the cost is largely irrelevant. What else are their savings for by the time care is needed?

Topseyt123 · 30/01/2023 18:59

Step back. It sounds like your DH will be supportive of you doing so too. This man isn't even your own father.

Stop being too available. It is very noticeable that he isn't asking this of any male relatives, and you aren't even a blood relative.