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Elderly parents
Original poster

Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

139 replies

codandchipsandpeas · 30/01/2023 10:20

Sorry for the slightly odd title but I would value any opinions or advice on this. I'm going to keep it vague, there's a lot of back story I won't go in to.

Elderly FIL, been on his own for 2 years since MIL passed away. As the closest relative (geographically) I have always tried to pop over and help with little jobs, take him out to the shops, cook a meal, just go for a chat. I have also on numerous occasions helped when he has been in hospital with visiting, dropping stuff off etc. There are SILs but historically they have chosen not to be involved although this has improved recently.

FILs health is declining. He is refusing to accept any form of carer. This is of course his choice. Money is not an issue in any way whatsoever, he just doesn't want to spend it. He told us this recently.

I do not want to gradually fall in to the role of carer. It's too much expectation and I have my own job and responsibilities at home. It's half an hour to get there so not just down the road. I resent the assumption that I will do it just because I've always been the one to go. There have been a few emergency situations and I am expected to drop everything and pick up the pieces. It makes me cross because no one has asked me if I'm OK with this.

DH is fully supportive of me stepping back. He says FIL has made his choice and will have to live with it. He often works away so while he does what he can, this is limited. I feel a conflict of emotions, guilt for not doing more and anger for FILs refusal to help himself and take the pressure off me. There is a lot of emotional blackmail in the language he uses, a lot of barbed comments about what I haven't done and should be doing. He's not really coping with jobs like the laundry etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice about how to handle this, or whether I should just suck it up and do what's needed?

OP posts:
WanderleyWagon · 07/02/2023 17:03

Well done for standing down. I know how hard it is, and how strong the guilt can be.

I'm also in the position of having a DF who is getting frailer and has been - not so much resistant to getting care in, as very passive and unable to imagine things being different than they are now (while complaining endlessly about being on his own and not being able to do various simple things for himself).

I'm the nearest child but I'm a short-haul flight away and I have MH issues, which I've been very clear about with him. He's gradually getting the message and we've now got two different people providing weekly support for cleaning, errands and anything else that can be delegated, which is really helpful. The second person has worked well because for some reason he liked her - he didn't like any of the previous people who came in to help with errands. And she's not providing care so much as doing shopping for him, dealing with tradesmen, booking things online that he doesn't know how to do, explaining how the remote control for his telly works - all of which I was trying to do remotely for ages. Whew!

I hope you get to the point where you really feel the weight lifted from your shoulders, OP. All good wishes!

BlueWhiteHat · 07/02/2023 16:50

I think waiting for a crisis is sadly what needs to happen and nothing you’ve done. 45mins is nothing if SIL wants to visit and help out, it’s not your job. SIL is just waiting for her inheritance and doesn’t want it spending, but it’s his money not hers and should be used for care.

Original poster
codandchipsandpeas · 07/02/2023 16:00

So things have progressed....
FIL has become quite confused about a lot of things. Struggling to get words out. Has done a few potentially dangerous things like leaving the hob on with nothing on it (neighbour spotted this one and told us on a recent visit) Getting meals out of the freezer but leaving on the side and forgetting about them. Is still adamant he doesn't want any outside support.
SIL has messaged to say we need to visit more, he's just lonely, she can't go as she's too far away (it's a 45 minute drive) She doesn't think he needs any extra support.
I have just stepped right out of it. DH has said while he thinks FIL should have daily carers, we cannot make him and we are essentially waiting for the crisis to happen to force matters.
I just feel so sad and guilty. I've done my best to be involved over the years and I always thought we had a good relationship. It seems like an impossible situation. I don't really want to visit on my own any more because I find it distressing.

OP posts:
Chowtime · 04/02/2023 19:00

another one here who used to use the "oh I can't come I've had a drink" excuse.

they were actually quite flummoxed the first time I said it lol - they totally weren't expecting that. After a few months of that they stopped asking.

I don't drink by the way. 😀

Twawmyarse2 · 02/02/2023 19:38

I would rather not have a penny of any potential inheritance and have the peace of mind that he is being looked after, but SIL does not think like this.

Well then, SIL can be the one to be general dogsbody and carer to her df and/or wrangle with him over when he’s going to cough up and hire proper care staff!

Its not your problem.

Blip · 02/02/2023 18:37

It's kind of you to visit FIL as a social visit.

Perhaps you could let him know that you will no longer be available to visit or help for the next three months due to work/childcare/personal commitments.
Your DH can visit if he chooses to. Suggest to FIL that he employs carers.

During this time maybe FIL will employ carers or maybe he won't but will realise eventually that he needs them.

After three months either he will have carers in place and you can go back to a few social visits if you want to or you can say the three months has become a permanent change.

If he lives in a desirable city he may be able to swap free rent for a few hours a week of help, maybe from a student. I think there is a scheme for this. It works well for some people.

Original poster
codandchipsandpeas · 02/02/2023 18:05

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss well done for putting some boundaries in place. It certain isn't easy. I share your infuriation at the expectation that we will just drop everything and come running. This thread has definitely helped me feel better about saying no.

OP posts:
Original poster
codandchipsandpeas · 02/02/2023 18:02

Twawmyarse2 · 02/02/2023 10:57

Bloody hell, at first I thought you were talking about your own df and even then I thought “yes, step back” - but it’s not even your dad but you’re FIL? Who has children, one of whom is your dh plus his siblings!???

I think you’re mad to have even taken on the role in the first place! Why did you feel the need to? Was your dh guilt tripping you too?

Just stop.

No guilt tripping whatsoever from DH, just that he works away a lot so cannot physically always be there and I have always been the one who is around. As I said, huge backstory with SILs which I won't go in to but it has only really been me for a long time. SILs behaviour has been disgraceful over the years but improving somewhat now. Suffice to say family relationships are very strained.

FIL is absolutely adamant he will not spend his (vast) savings in care. God only knows what his reasoning is. It's hard to see it as anything but selfish. I would rather not have a penny of any potential inheritance and have the peace of mind that he is being looked after, but SIL does not think like this.

It is a very sorry situation and I am sad to read so many are in the same boat. It puts unnecessary strain on families and certainly makes me think about how I will behave when my time comes.

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 02/02/2023 13:39

In my Mum's case it's partly, at least, procrastination and an inability to take responsibility for getting things done - she's always been incapable of acting upon anything until the very last minute. Ironic really, as she dealt with various elderly relatives in the past and had always insisted she'd sort herself out, would move into a home etc and didn't want me 'running around after her'. So the things she'd said she'd put in place at 70 never happened (she's now nearly 80!). She's currently blaming the pandemic for that...

And also speed of decline. I suppose it's quite easy to think in the abstract about downsizing, putting things like POA in place etc. But harder to action when you're still active and think it's a long way off. Mine's gone in the space of a year from confidently driving round the country including on the M25 to refusing to drive beyond her local area or at night and several emergency hospital admissions.

Twawmyarse2 · 02/02/2023 10:57

Bloody hell, at first I thought you were talking about your own df and even then I thought “yes, step back” - but it’s not even your dad but you’re FIL? Who has children, one of whom is your dh plus his siblings!???

I think you’re mad to have even taken on the role in the first place! Why did you feel the need to? Was your dh guilt tripping you too?

Just stop.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 02/02/2023 10:51

Huge delusional denial in my mum's case. Mind you she's always been like that and very procrastiny and can't cope with any change. Puts vital things off. Always has.

I'm the opposite. Always looking ahead and making plans and getting things done and in place. Looking to move to a bungalow in 5 years and I'm 50!

I think there's quite a lot of 'I went to Glastonbury and did the twist! How on earth can I be a little old lady' going on. She also can't hear but won't wear a hearing aid, eyesight failing but won't go for an eye test.

She's a nice lady but bizarre reaction to reality

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/02/2023 10:20

Desperately trying to cling to their life. Most of us know how frustrating it is to have to take things easy because of an injury or recovering from an operation, but we do it because we know that if we do, life will improve in the future. But when you’re old, you know the only result of looking after yourself is having to look after yourself even more later on. People will tell you that you can have a long future having carers in every day, being stuck at home everyday, but some people will feel “I might as well be dead”

Alphabetasoul · 02/02/2023 09:25

Are they in some sort of denial? Maybe can't accept what's happening to them and kid themselves they can manage with just a bit of help ?

Soothsayer1 · 02/02/2023 00:22

took up smoking fags during the pandemic
omg, wft, she sounds...."feisty" ....
and not in any kind of a good way😬
glad to hear you are looking out for your own wellbeing!

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 02/02/2023 00:08

I haven't read the whole thread just your original post OP and I'm in almost exactly the same situation with my own mother and protecting my own time/sanity/energy because she too is refusing to use a Walker even though she can barely walk and falls over multiple times a day - cruises on the spindley antique furniture like a 1 year old. She won't sign a POA or get a cleaner/gardener. Nor has she gotten round to organising someone to put up grab handles in her shower blah blah blah.

If she can't even do these basic life enabling and risk mitigations from (inevitable) falls etc why should I informally slide in to fill the gaps paid professionals should/could.

It infuriantesi me. It will be me that picks up the pieces as I live nearby.

I've even stopped calling her frequently to see if she's ok and as I've pointed out am at work 9-5 so not available then if she were to have a crisis (the fall she can't drag herself up from is likely to happen soon) I've started leaving my phone in another room while I work or if I see her number come up during working hours I'll phone her later.

If she'd have bought a bungalow two years ago when she moved here to be near me instead of an executive home with unforgiving ceramic floors or even a house walking distance from the GP and chemist like I suggested I'd have more patience but she's been so stubborn about preparing for her enfeebled years which are suddenly upon us i feel doing a MASSIVE 'I told you so'

She also hasn't looked after herself. Not a single bit of exercise in 30+ years and took up smoking fags during the pandemic.

Ffs. It's infuriating so I refuse to sacrifice my life because of her bizarre decisions and inactivity.

(cathartic rant over thanks for starting this thread)

Soothsayer1 · 01/02/2023 23:55

shame I had a successful career (I'm a doctor) as it meant I couldn't just stop work and care for her
😯
ime, truth comes out when they start to unravel a bit, that's when you see what was under the veneer. Can see how it could be painful but for me it's been a joining of dots which has been helpful

AdelaideRo · 01/02/2023 23:46

When my maternal Grandmother reached the latter stages of her life she actually told me it was a shame I had a successful career (I'm a doctor) as it meant I couldn't just stop work and care for her.

TBH it has tainted all my memories of her and made me re-examine the past. My paternal grandparents in retrospect were always much more supportive of all of us having a good education/ career (even if my grandfather remained steadfastly disappointed I was "only" an anaesthetist and not a GP and he never listened to a single bit of medical advice I gave him.... )

AdelaideRo · 01/02/2023 23:43

I've stepped away from my sole remaining elderly relative. It's my aunt and she just keeps making bad decisions.

I can't bear it anymore. I've still got POA and will step in when she has lost capacity but I can't engage at the moment it makes me too cross that she is being a total idiot - refusing sensible help, benefits but continuing to hoard her house out with crap and not spending money on essential home repairs for ridiculous reasons.

piggypoole · 01/02/2023 22:33

I think this Government wants the family to step in and do more thus saving them money .

Soothsayer1 · 01/02/2023 17:35

countrygirl99 · 01/02/2023 13:50

FIL was just the same. They had 3 boys and it didn't matter how much DH did. It didn'tmatter how much work time self employed DH gave up to take him to appointment or hive him a break, all he used to get was "I wish we'd had a daughter. A daughter would have looked after us properly. A daughter wouldn't have let strangers care for us."

he hasnt realised that time has moved on and women dont just roll over & obey men any more!

larchforest · 01/02/2023 14:44

cosmiccosmos · 01/02/2023 14:24

Why do women allow themselves to be walked over like this? It's up to your DH to co-ordinate/deal with. No way would I be taking this on, I've got my own parents to sort out.

This is the point of the thread. The OP isn't allowing it, and nor are many of us who have posted.

Some people genuinely want to care for their loved one and that's fine. But I think we can all agree that it has to be an individual's decision and not something that is foisted on to them by the elderly family member, the expectation of other relatives, or indeed the authorities who are only too willing to just dump and run if they can get away with it.

cosmiccosmos · 01/02/2023 14:24

Why do women allow themselves to be walked over like this? It's up to your DH to co-ordinate/deal with. No way would I be taking this on, I've got my own parents to sort out.

countrygirl99 · 01/02/2023 13:50

FIL was just the same. They had 3 boys and it didn't matter how much DH did. It didn'tmatter how much work time self employed DH gave up to take him to appointment or hive him a break, all he used to get was "I wish we'd had a daughter. A daughter would have looked after us properly. A daughter wouldn't have let strangers care for us."

HamBone · 01/02/2023 13:33

@EmotionalBlackmail I can empathize, because I think that’s what my Dad wants as well!

They’re not nasty, they just don’t consider our needs as well as their own. My Dad would be quite happy for me to live with him, do all the cooking and household chores, and generally have no life whatsoever. But if I did that, he’d then wonder why I had no life….😂

EmotionalBlackmail · 01/02/2023 09:48

I realised with my Mum that what she wants is a daughter (has to be a daughter as obviously men are far too busy and important to do care stuff Hmm) who lives very close by but not actually in the same house and who is available all the time immediately for shopping, driving to appointments, going out to garden centres for coffee, providing tea and cake for friends dropping round to visit etc. This daughter probably wouldn't have a job as she'd not be available for all this. And probably not a partner or child either as that would make her less available. No idea what this hypothetical daughter is meant to live on!

Once I'd realised this that also helped me take a step back as I'm not this daughter!