Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

Sorry, OP (and everyone) it is so hard and can take over your every waking moment.
I wanted to suggest a couple of things, please ignore if they are neither relevant nor helpful.
A Care Act assessment has to be carer blind-in other words, it cannot be "oh, your family provide x hours of care, so we can top this up with a couple of visits"; it has to be the assessed needs of the person, irrespective of who/how meets them.
Only then can the process of exploring who provides what begin, and contingency planning has to be done at the same time.
This can be the perfect time to make explicit (with support from the social worker) that you cannot be included, it supports you and is honest and transparent-older relatives may accept this truth if spoken by a professional.

Assistive technology can make a surprising difference as well: a lifeline pendant or wrist strap will alert re falls or distress, and the nominated contacts will be telephoned by the operator (it doesn't have to be you, and you can also include a ranking order of whom to phone first, second etc, as well as requesting emergency services are called if necessary).
No one is obliged to pick up a relative off the floor, the operator can request paramedic assistance and give them the keycode for the key safe. Ditto for carers, GPs, D Nurses etc.
The pattern and frequency of falls/incidents is also necessary in order to evidence any future discussions/Best Interests decisions.

How are you doing @codandchipsandpeas ? I hope the situation is solved by now. Hugs

How often are you going each week?

Can you give him one or two specific times you can come and visit for a set length of time, and stick to that.

Just say it is the only time you are available, if he says anything barbed, and repeat as necessary.

Like, Tuesday 10am and Friday 4pm, or similar

Yep had this with My SIL when she tried to rope me iin to do ironing and housework she said you always go to the woman ! I said no HB has a pair or of hands too ad well as 3 sisters so no chance . Besides I had only met FiL 3 times .

I agree 100% with this. Step right back. All the way back.

@AgitatedGoose
I can relate I'm also an only child who finds contact with parents very difficult, 'fortunately' one of them has behaved so outrageously that I haven't had anything to do with them for decades now, the other one is becoming increasingly weird but this has made it easier for me to side step and to manage them
There is a way out, you can put up boundaries and distance yourself I know it's difficult but you can't let your parents continue to damage you, it's not right, you deserve freedom from all this.

Many thanks for your supportive reply. I had a very difficult and traumatic upbringing and deliberately moved a long distance from my parents. I wouldn’t have wanted them living closer to me as I would have faced more pressure from health and social care professionals to step up when my Mum was diagnosed. After years of sporadic contact the increased contact has been difficult to cope with as well as the financial cost in view of the increased costs of living. I’m an only child as well and increasingly feel there’s no way out.

thank you @Nixer 🙏
It's a very difficult position to be in, especially if you have a strong sense of duty towards your parents, if you do all they ask you're overwhelmed and dont have time to take care of your own needs, if you dont you have all the guilt etc.
I think as a society we need to find ways to incentivize people to prepare for old age, not an easy thing to do, especially when it comes to having to downsize at at time when you increasingly need the reassurance and stability of familiar surrounds, lots of catch-22's to manage!

What @Soothsayer1 said. I think I read somewhere (but can't remember where) that there are changes that happen in the brains of very elderly people, not necessarily caused by dementia, that make them less able to empathise, less interested in others and at times quite ruthless. Often on these kinds of threads (not this one) someone will say that they don't intend to be so difficult and stubborn when they get old and will not have unreasonable expectations of their kids without really understanding that the person is not doing it deliberately and is simply incapable of being biddable and co-operative. I expect if I get to my late 80s (I hope not to) I will be just as stubborn, though I don't have any kids to hassle.

BTW I'm not saying all elderly are like this, I have met some really on the ball interested and interesting people well into their 80s who aren't selfish or ruthless and are not dependent on their children.

I would stop doing it, or rather I'd not start in the first place, if elderly people want support from adult children it's up to them to move closer in order to facilitate it.
I doubt he's aware of how cruel this is to you, many people become self absorbed & blinkered when they are elderly, they dont have the brainpower/headspace to think about the needs of others.
Imo it's down to you to manage his expectations, tell him it's no longer feasible and he'll have no choice but to pay for help, otherwise he'll take more & more from you.

Yes I definitely want to step back. I’ve had four years of dealing with my elderly mother as she descended into Alzheimer’s. She’s now in a care home which leaves my Dad on his own. He’s really not coping with managing the house and garden but refuses to get anyone in to help although he has the money. He’s happy for me to work for nothing and pay the petrol costs of a 3 - 4 hour drive each way. I work full time, feel constantly exhausted and am at breaking point with it all.

It is all so tough with elderly parents... and so ingrained in expectation..

My bro/I ended up caring for my grandparents whilst living with mum in our late teens. 20mins drive away, poor mobility, dementia but they muddled through apart from the daily calls. The my grandad fell and broke his hip - hospital refused to discharge home. Gran was a nightmare, calles repeatedly to our workplaces (no mobiles then thank goodness!) sent all carers away, ended up living with us for 2 months then back home before ending up in the care home too.

We went through all that and my mother now insists that it is my job to take care of her as she gets older and that I'd better not out her in a a home. I've told her that I would not cope with her and would not be putting my kids through all that. Besides I have a disabled teen who I have spent all her life caring for - as she becomes more independant I plan to live my own life not fall into another caring role. With a husband 10 years older than me I could spend the majority of my life since age 16 as someone's carer... that might be for some folks but definitely not for me - no matter how selfish that makes me!

@EmotionalBlackmail @AdelaideRo my DM told me years ago she was pleased I hadn't had children (I was only about 35, she would have been early 60s and in perfect health!) as I would be available to care for her in her old age. I snorted. She was fuming 'well I am NOT going in a home, is that what you think of your own MOTHER' etc etc.

I still do not have children. And I live a loooong way away. She regularly makes noises about moving in with us, and is still mortally offended when I say no.

Funnily enough even though DB lives just up the road and sees her regularly, does errands for her etc, she has no desire to move in with him as 'you're my daughter, you'll be better at looking after me when I need it'.

I just change the subject now.

well done for stepping back but equally its not for sil to have to do things either .....they can have their boundaries as well.. irrespective of how close their drive is...

your dh working away is not their problem either..... Fil will just have to sort out/have crisis....
our il were 100's miles away so yes it took crisis/many crisis before they sorted/accepted support...
in my own family its nore mixed...they've had to get stair lift/carers as i work....and am 45mins away...its been a difficult process though

Well done you for stepping back. You should never have been put in this position in the first place.

Oh sorry - I mis-read - it's not your father so therefore SILs are the children - apologies.

Why are you talking about sisters in law?

Presumably they married your brothers? Your SILs have no obligation. Your brothers are the ones that should be stepping up.

Well done OP x

Also you've nothing to feel guilty for. We aren't responsible for our parents (nor other people's) and by doing what you have done you've probably kept him out of hospital up to now.

Good on you for stepping back, as someone who has also done it, it's the right thing to do.

I'd echo the above advice to speak to social services to get a care needs assessment (or you could request that the GP contacts them but that will take longer) and mention safeguarding as leaving the hob on is a red flag. I would also make it clear that you had been supporting him but are unable to continue and no one else can step in. This preempts him telling them "oh my daughter in law visits daily" or whatever - my mum told some absolute whoppers to SS and doctors to try and get hospital to send her home.

IME social services can be a bit crap, especially where the person is borderline on the capacity front and refusing help. You may have to wait for the crisis to happen. We were in the Catch 22 of needs help/can afford help/won't pay for it and deemed to have capacity for quite a long time.

It's hard I know
My dad had actually asked and asked for help with caring for my mum and they kept assessing her and delaying etc
When she eventually fell I said don't pick her up and she went into hospital and I refused for her to come home to my dad as he couldn't cope any longer
We had to wait for that crisis to happen and I said to my dad I'm sorry she's waiting for an ambulance but it's the perfect opportunity to stop and say no, I can't do it
She was assessed and went into a care home

Bless you. How frustrating. Can you make a safeguarding report to social services? They started visiting my ILs recently- not sure what triggered it.
They've helped with attendance allowance and are doing an assessment. We hadn't called them because they have an adult son living with them. He's got undiagnosed autism though m

It's really hard to work out what to do. They each complain about different things- often the other. So MiL won't have the heating on because they are so short of money, and she wants FiL to take her out shopping. FiL wants the heating on, but wants mil to leave him alone to sleep in the sofas, and to stop buying new clothes. He objects if anything crops up and interferes with food shopping day. And so on.