Preparing for need for care when parents won’t compare

31 replies

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 14/01/2023 17:51

Hoping for advice from people who have experience of elderly parents needing care.

My parents aren’t particularly elderly (in their late 60s), however due to my
mum’s disability and the impact of this on both of them their ‘life style’, healthy is very much more like a couple in their 80s.
my father cares for my mother. However it is becoming increasingly clear that he is starting to struggling managing her care, both physically and mentally. My mum requires a lot of care (needs help toileting/dressing/with all movement).
I have been trying to get them to consider asking for care support, however they refuse.
As time goes on, and my dad is finding it harder, I am starting to worry about what will happen if my dad becomes poorly and unable to care for my mum or when he gets older and struggles more with care. Given they refuse to think about carers at the moment I believe that they will only accept care when an emergency crops up and there is no other option.

My query is- as their child what can I do to prepare for an emergency? Or prepare for in terms of sorting care if it is needed in an emergency.

For clarity I am happy to support them but don’t intend to provide full time care or have them living with me (though I would consider caring for a very short period if anyone need arise due to an emergency).

Any advice

OP posts:

KickAssAngel · 14/01/2023 18:13

With my father he was adamant his entire life that he would rather die than spend one minute in a care home. He lived to his late 80s and until the last couple of weeks of his life, when he needed hospice care, he stayed at home. If he'd accepted help and considered a care home, he may still be alive, but it was his choice to stay in his home even when it was hard for him and my Mum to take care of themselves.

I spent years being stressed about it, even had therapy, but eventually realized that as an adult he had the right to make that choice. Finally, when he was in hospice and I was caring for him, I was grateful that as a family we had honored his wishes.

Will your parents have a sensible conversation where they clearly state that they would rather risk an earlier death than accept help or going into care? If they clearly want that, you have to respect their decision.

User4873628 · 14/01/2023 18:09

Have you sorted out power of attorney in case they need you to take control of their affairs? Do you know where they bank and if they have any investments that might need to be sold for care home fees?

Knowing these sorts of practical things now can help if you hit a crisis.

Read up on the various benefits available, read up on the process for applying for care assessments.

Encourage them to think about a cleaner?

There's not much else you can do right now. Frustrating, but out of your control until the time comes.

Original poster

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 14/01/2023 18:05

Hi @Anna713 they receive this as I helped them apply last year.

One issue at the moment though is their home. It’s so full of things as they hoard. But I’ve helped get rid of things before and it’s just gets replaced by more things. This is something I do think I can help with either though as they don’t seem to want it to change.

OP posts:

Anna713 · 14/01/2023 18:01

You don't mention their financial status,but if they are willing, I would apply for attendance allowance on their behalf now. Your mother would have to sign the forms. It takes weeks to put in place. It is not means tested and they could just bank it so that they could put it towards paying for care when it becomes necessary and when they will accept care. I know this is not exactly what you asked about but it may be useful. Good luck.

Original poster

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 14/01/2023 18:00

Chevyimpala67 · 14/01/2023 17:54

Honestly?
Step back and let the crisis happen :(
It's the only way that some older people accept they need help.

Even hearing this is useful.
It what I have chosen to do, but I question if I should be doing anything else. So reassurance is helpful, thanks.

OP posts:

Chevyimpala67 · 14/01/2023 17:54

Honestly?
Step back and let the crisis happen :(
It's the only way that some older people accept they need help.

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