End of life question - sad subject

My Mum died at home - she had lived with us for a long time. She stopped eating mid-December at which point the doctor withdrew her medications. She died at the end of January. We had carers in building up to 4 times a day, but apart from that, she was in bed. Occasionally made lucid comments, but slept most of the time.

We learned to accept that dying is a process. We had family coming and going, and we were sort of getting on with normal life around her. Although the nurses got us in there several times saying the end was imminent, it wasn't!

After six weeks, I went in very early one morning, and for some reason got my brother off the sofa to come and sit with me - to this day I can't tell you why. We both sat quietly at the side of her bed, and she slipped away - so peacefully - within half an hour.

So be prepared for the process to take longer than you expect, and for your Dad to pass at a time of his choosing.

Sending thoughts your way.

Some people wait for people to be with them but lots of people, I would say a majority actually, go when nobody is there. You have to think that's a preference, it's like most animals too, they prefer to slip away and die alone when they're ready. So many people find they sit with their loved one for days and weeks and then they go to the shop for tissues or to the loo or to go collect a friend and it's all over. If it does happen like that please know it couldn't have been otherwise. @lollipoprainbow you clearly showed your mum all the love in the world. Be kind to yourself.

Let him know it’s ok for him to go. We did this with Dad after we had all arrived and we’re with him and he passed a few hours later. It’s was sad but peaceful and as nice as it could be. Sorry you’re going through this.

I feel for you, i was in this situation in november, my dad had a bleed on the brain and a stroke.

There was nothing they could do, he had a morphine driver, took away food and liquids, he died 4 days later. The waiting is the worst part because really theyve already gone.

Sending hugsx

My lovely mum was on end of life for a week with advanced dementia. It was awfully sad, I sat with her read and played music. She died in early hours when I wasn't with her which I will never forgive myself for.

So sorry you're going through this. Hold his hand and keep talking to him. It can take longer than expected, my Dd took nearly two weeks, but we think he was unconscious after two days.
Just keep talking and reassuring him.

100% this. My DSis and I did the same with my DM, coming up to two years in March.
Thinking of you, OP, and sending a virtual hug .

The dying, especially our parents might need to know that you will be ok if they go. Reassure your wonderful dad that you'll all be ok; that it's ok to be with whoever has passed before. You'll still love him whether he's here in body or in spirit. Say all you need to say now. It's a truly horrible time for you and yours. No one is ever old enough to lose their parents, especially when they've been good and loving ones.
Chin up love. You've got this.

Absolutely do this. They say that hearing is the last sense to fade. It doesn't matter in the slightest what you say. Play him some favourite music. Hold his hand. Stroke his hair and say thank you.

All I can add to this is you are doing your grieving now OP. When he finally goes you will feel very sad but also a sense of relief as he will be at peace.

I sat next to my DM and read her a book from her bookcase at home. Keeps you busy doing something, if she was listening and understanding so much the better.

My DM was being fed by a tube, and the tube came out shortly after we wrote that the family's wishes were not to put it back in. So that was all nourishment including liquids. She passed 8 days later. Was a huge relief.

OP, have you been offered support from Marie Curie? Their wonderful night nurses could allow you to catch up on some sleep? (I know it won't be able to help with the emotional exhaustion, but it's a help)

This is so sad. I hope he goes peacefully

I'm so sorry, this is really hard on everyone involved. I hope there is someone who can spell you for a bit if you need to go and have a quiet cry. Dont be surprised if he finally slips away at 3a.m, especially if you've nodded off for a few minutes. Or if you visit the toilet and he's gone when you get back. Some people seem to feel a need to go with no-one there.

I have also done the OK to go if you wish but we'll be here with you if you want to stay, they died the next day.

If he is religious read to him from the kinder parts of the bible, like the 23rd Psalm. If not is there a favourite book or something he read to you as a child? Maybe remember some of the holidays you went on. If there are dead people he was fond of remember them, it's not unusual for people to see someone "waiting" for them. If it's a hallucination at least it's one that makes departing easier.

So sorry, OP.

My lovely mum had a massive stroke, many years ago, and was on fluids only (no liquid feed). The saline was withdrawn after a couple of weeks, and she survived for 2 days. It's a horrible situation all round xx

How are you OP? We're here for you and thinking of you and your lovely Dad x

Sending lots of love OP. I have no experience or advice but my parents are getting on a bit and I just hope I get some time to say goodbye even though it must be heartbreaking. Wishing you every strength xxx

I agree. Earlier on, the day before, he had been talking and saying random names of people who had previously passed (even people I'd not heard of) who were apparently, as he'd said - there at the end of his bed, he was determined were in the room. I just agreed.
Then when his breathing changed at the end, I said "you can go now dad it's ok, you can meet "previously mentioned person", you can go dad, it's ok"

It's so hard but I really believe it helps them to go peacefullly ❤️❤️❤️ sorry you're going through this OP xxx

It's an impossible question to answer 💐 and an awful position to be in. I sat and read a book to my dad when he was dying. When DH was at end of life I just used to witter on to him about all the things we'd done. On the night he died I told him it was ok to go and see his mum and dad if he wanted to, I think that was probably the hardest thing I have ever said but I knew that sometimes the dying needed permission to go.

Holding your hand from afar.

So sorry OP, just keep talking to him.
Tell him how your day has been, what DC, nieces, nephews (or anyone special to him) has been up, what youre planning to do, talk about nice, happy memories you have of him etc.

They do say the last sense to go is the hearing?
Just keep talking, as normal as you can. Play his fave songs, talk to him about his fave tv shows etc..

So sorry youre going through this, I can remember holding dads hand, I was only 20 at the time, I'm almost 32 now and I have had a child since which I know he would have doted on. So sad he never got to meet him.

Keep your chin up OP, it's going to be tough but it does get better.
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx