How do I make peace with this?

@MissingYellowzigzags It's not your money. You can't have a say in what your mother does with it. Yes it's 'not fair' but it's not yours, say nothing. Her engagement ring is presumably sentimental and she wants you to have that, that is her right.

That's a really nasty selfish thing for your mother to do. I couldn't forgive or forget.

I'm not sure why there is such a reluctance to discuss inheritances. Everyone says that it's not about the money but often the amounts are life changing. Sometimes I think it is about the money. I think that's ok.

Unless there are exceptional reasons doing anything other than an even split is really nasty and likely to cause upset.

OP, you sound like a nice person and I suspect that you might be tempted to minimise this and just carry on with things whilst feeling put out but I really think you should try and get her to properly understand what she is doing. I'd show her your husband payslip.

You’re a better woman than me to help her post operatively (and I know how awful that sounds but I just couldn’t do it). Protect your feelings and step back from her.

Why do the elderly do this. Just why??

"The elderly" don't @Chippy1234 That's a ridiculous generalisation. A very small minority of 'people' do.

Yes, I agree. I would tell her this.

Why do the elderly do this. Just why??

I had something similar and found out by accident and although Will was changed it left a very bad taste.

Our will’s will be split 50/50 between our two kids. Who would do an uneven split?

How does she respond when you tell her how painful this is ? That it isn’t the actual sum, which is irrelevant, it is being treated as of lesser value than your siblings, in black and white, in a document that future generations will all be able to see ?
Has she always treated you all fairly until now ?
I do wonder at what goes through the minds of parents who do this. It affects how the child feels forever after, and it also is highly likely to destroy sibling relationships. I can understand it to some degree where there is a huge disparity of wealth between siblings, but even then I think it is wrong.
I was lucky in that my parents left everything equally between db and I. He is better off than me by quite a lot, but that is mainly to do with him working extremely hard. I would have found it unbearably hurtful if my mother had left the house to him, and her engagement ring to me.
I think your mother owes you a proper, sensible explanation of why she is favouring your brothers like this. Could she be at the beginning of dementia ? Have there been any other personality changes ?
I am also struck by the fact that your brothers would not split the house three ways, is there a history of unfairness that your brothers have got used to ?
When my two friends jointly inherited a house from their Grandmother, they split it three ways with a neighbour who had done a lot to care for their Granny in her last years. I understand that you don’t want money that your mother has no wish for you to have, but it is still shocking for your brothers to happily accept this unfairness and not talk to your mother about it.

Since she experienced something similar, does she have an old fashioned view on male and female roles? Is your husband supposed to look after you?

I'd simply say something along the lines of...
"Mum, we've discussed and argued about this for two years. I'm done with it. The only reason for your decision that makes sense, is that you don't love me or value me as much as you love and value my brothers. I love you, but I'm never going to be able to get over that. When you die, that will be my lasting memory. That while I thought we were close, you didn't actually love me as much as I loved you"

I think if my DM did this I would find it hard to maintain contact. I most certainly would not be doing physical care, as the inheritance would be paying it.

I think this is a perfect response. Calm and well balanced.

I would be so resentful that I couldn't see her again, OP. I absolutely agree it's about her making you feel she prefers your brothers to you and that she can treat you badly and you'll carry on taking it. Nobody should treat their children differently from the others. Of course it causes anger!

regardless of my opinions on her will- which are irrelevant. Do you feel your mother loves you equally to your brothers? That's the question here. Does this situation highlight something you've always thought? Because that's what matters.

Talk to her. This is unfair. Explain how you feel because your feelings are quite valid. Your DHs earnings are irrelevant, he may die or you divorce.

I'm in a similar position OP. My db will get everything & I'll get nothing. The rationale is I have a house and he doesn't. It really hurts but I'm doing my best not to begrudge him it.

I think it's time to write her a letter detailing exactly how things are now - so she can read and reread once she is feeling the consequences of her actions. You need to write and tell her that you have had many conversations with her about her will and her choice to leave the vast majority of her estate to your siblings. That you love her but her choice has made you feel unloved and undervalued. You therefore feel that you have to make some choices for yourself to protect your own feelings. Explain that you need to take a step back from your relationship because you are so hurt and that every time you see her you can't help but feel unimportant to her and you don't want to grow to resent her but remember her as the loving mother she was. Ask her to contact your siblings from now on if she has any care needs as you have chosen to make your own family your priority from now on. Explain you will still visit her just less frequently as a guest with none of your previous responsibilities towards her. I think showing her the consequences of her decisions is the only way to make her really understand. I didn't get to do this with my own father and I regret it every single day as it left so much unsaid that would have helped me when he passed. Don't let this dominate your life and eat you up. You'll be able to draw a line under your feelings this way.

This is a very good idea, insist on the very best. I just checked, theres one that starts at 40k a year. Sounds nice, theres a chauffeur driven merc.

Don’t do it. Her sons can come and look after her. The principal of the situation and the way she’s gone about it would be unforgivable to me.

Also your dm is absolutely banking on the fact that she can count on you to carry on being the one who is there for her regardless of how she treats you. It doesn’t say a lot for your relationship, you’re nothing more than a lady’s companion. Except even a lady’s companion would get a nominal sum for loyalty.

Has your mother not realised that your dh could take off with another woman or man, leaving you reeling and in a bad position financially.
Peoples circumstances can change dramatically in the blink of an eye.

I would be gutted if my Mum did that to me, @MissingYellowzigzags

I get that you love your mum OP but in your place I couldn’t be in her company. I would just feel constantly reminded that she saw me as unequal to my brothers. I would probably go lc and tell her that she is indirectly treating your dc as lesser too.
Also who actually earned the money, your df or your dm or both and has your dm inherited money from her parents?
If she had a dh who earned well and still inherited then she’s a hypocrite.

And I wouldn't suggest that the lack of providing care is linked to the lack of inheritance as a punishment, just to the fact that you need to ensure your own financial circumstances are totally rock solid as you understand that you have no chance of expecting anything.

Totally reasonable.

Fortunately I've never had to do it, but I didn't think a will could be successfully contested except on very specific grounds - for example a history of actually living with the person and/or being reliant on them for money?

It's true the brothers could choose to split the inheritance (I think they have a certain time after the death to do it) but OP also said they "don't want to get involved", which sounds to me like code for "don't expect anything from us"