How do I make peace with this?

@Merryoldgoat Like I said, not an expert. I just remember my brother and I had a certain allowance, and then anything over that was subject to tax. I wondered if more direct descendants inherited, meant a higher threshold.

Do your siblings even know what you're mother has planned and do they agree with it ? I don't think it's fair but I can see why she thinks she's doing the right thing.
The chances are that most of the money will be spent on her personal care, so it's unlikely that the sum you quote will be the final amount left. I hope she lives a long and healthy life, but the chances of reaching 85 to 90 yrs without any need for some sort of help are quite low. I don't know how old you are but if your circumstances are similar to mine, by the time your dm reaches that age, you'll be knocking on 65. How fit will you actually be ? Emotionally it's hurtful that you don't get an equal share the only other option I could think of would be of its shared between the grandkids in trust till their 25 or 30 unless needed for education or medical treatment. I think if I were as little involved as your siblings, I'd struggle to not split it evenly after dm had died.

This situation is painful to even read about. I'm so sorry. You would be fully justified in cutting her out of your life.

OP, I'm sorry your DM is treating you so cruelly. Your mums history shouldn't be a reason for treating her children unfairly, and I agree - it is not about the money per se, it is about her assumption that her horribly unequal treatment will result in you simply accepting your assigned low-value role in the family hierarchy and continue as you are.

Her assumption doesn't seem aligned with how you experience your relationship with her. If it was me I'd take a big step back and analyse and dynamics between yourself and DM

You asked for a way forward, and this is tricky as you clearly love your DM. Distance to start with, and clear communication why you are stepping back. Invest your time, love and energy in people who feel the same about you.

I totally get what you’re saying. But I just think that if the OP had a crap relationship with her mum, it would be much easier to cut her off/cut her off a bit, however, she has said that she loves her very much and enjoys seeing her and having that close relationship.

I wasn’t saying ‘suck it up’; just wondering if losing her good relationship with her mum better than not having the money?

IHT is paid on the value of the estate - the amount left afterwards will be the same so she’s not giving it to the government rather than OP.

@Verbena17 but that's not quite it? More

'So mum, you're happy to come to me when feeling vulnerable and needing care. You clearly see your sons who don't help you as more worthy, but sure I'll keep putting myself out and being stretched as you've taught me I don't really count in the grand scheme of things'

Honestly are the posters who keep telling op to suck it up happily and keep being a care drudge either martyrs or in the position of the ops brothers?

Thats even worse. Just create some distance op and decide what kind of relationship you want with her going forward (if any). Can’t imagine treating DD like that.

I don’t think is going to make any difference to OP’s mum. She will just hear that her dd is accepting her decision and their relationship will continue to be ‘meaningful’.

She needs to understand that the relationship will change.

as for her own parents…..she was excluded in their Will. Her DBs got the family business, several properties and all the money. She got nothing…..and was apparently fine with that

I think this is your answer, OP. Your mum is repeating a pattern. Maybe she was badly hurt by that, but buried the hurt, and her doing the same thing to you is a way of making that past hurt all right. That said, it doesn't excuse it - in your position I would be going low contact, not helping her out at all, and telling her why. A pp wrote a very good letter - I would write your mum something like that. I hope you manage to resolve it; it's hurtful and unpleasant.

My mother had told me she would leave more to my 2 siblings as I had the support from my father and grandparents. When it came to writing her will when she had become unwell she changed her mind and shared it equally. I had taken on the role of carer by then, I’m unsure whether that changed her mind or whether she would have done anyway when it came down to it. Separately my father wrote a letter to change his will two weeks before he died and left all his savings (in a trust fund) to his ex wife, my Nan could of reversed this upto 4 years after till when she died but didn’t so was happy for the money to go to his ex wife rather than me, their family and my DS. It really changed how I saw them at the time and even after 6 years after their deaths I don’t feel the same about them, it’s not all about the money it just shakes what you believed about love and care between family members. I hope you find a way forward OP

This is vile and makes no sense and it would be enough for me to tell her to look after herself from now on.

It’s about fairness as you said, and it’s also a vast amount. And you’re in similar positions. That’s what she thinks is fair, then you do whatever you think is fair with her care.

To be honest I actually couldn’t come back from it even if she changed the Will now. It’d be over for me.

She can do what she likes but she deals with the consequences.

Does it matter why the ring was refused? All that matters is that your theory was debunked. The ring is not sentimental to the mom. And even is it had been, she chose to pass it on to the son instead of OP.

Goes to show the favoritism once more.

Not an expert and may be wrong, but I would imagine that inheritance tax will also need to be paid on an estate that size, so she is giving the money to the government rather than you.

I would find it hard to get over this too. I would definitely be suggesting she put some money aside for her care when the time comes and I would not be involving myself in that. I would probably also take a slight step back - I don't mean never see her again, but take.it back to once every couple of weeks as opposed to 2-3 times per week. That way you can maintain a relationship without needing to be reminded of the hurt so often.

I’d go NC too OP. You have every right to be hurt. My mum was treated like shit by her mum. Would always tell me she’d never give my mum money if she won the lottery but would her sister and brothers. My mums siblings used their mum and didn’t give a damn about her. Despite how my mum was treated by her own mum, she cared for her lots. In the end they went NC as my grandmother was so toxic. She developed dementia and was put in a home. Her 3 remaining children were not interested. My mum would have had her live with her until she died if she’d have been a decent mum, but my mum refused to be treated like a doormat. I have so much respect for her for that. Let your brothers earn their inheritance from now on. Sorry this has happened to you.

Do you think she declined the ring because she thinks it’s more the type of thing a daughter should have from their mother, rather than DIL?

It’s an extremely difficult situation for you and with many different factors involved.

I think if this happened to me with my own mum and with my sister, knowing how much I love my mum and how we see each most days and have a very strong relationship, I would find it very hard to cut her off over money. Even knowing my sister would be in line to have more than her fair share, I would (I think) ignore the will/money and carry on the relationship with my mum.

I think next time you’re on your own with her, you could try to gently chat about it and say something like ‘look mum, you know I love you regardless of money and belongings, so let’s just forget the will and carry on spending precious time together, just like we’ve always done’.

At the end of her day, you love your mum dearly and after she’s sadly gone, you have to live your life and carry on. Now, that could be a life where you have spent the next 20 years arguing/not seeing her or it could be 20 years of happy, fun and loving times - making even more memories for both of you.

I know which I would choose. 🤗

I feel your pain. There are 3 of us, 2 with mortgages and one still living at home. the inheritance is all going to the one at home. It does feel really hurtful and is difficult to move past. I was also the one who did the majority of care and helping out, including having DM live with us for several months after a fall.

I took a big step back. Stopped paying for days out etc and asked for her to pay her share. Got my brother to pay for care and cleaners by insisting he did or remortgage the house to pay for it. He's now taken over the running of the house, DIY etc and I just enjoy visiting and spending time together so I feel he's at least earning it. It still niggles a bit but I'll leave him with the guilt when the time comes and We don't get anything. We have what we need.

Try and enjoy your time with your mum so you have no regrets.

What a shitty thing for your mother to do. It’s not about the money it’s about the unfairness of the situation. I don’t know how you move past it. I don’t think I could. If you do you’re a better person than me. On the other hand it looks like your brothers will be caring for her from now on. I’d withdraw. Good luck@MissingYellowzigzags.

The above may well be the best response.

IMHO though I might simply say that I am truly hurt by her decision and that I don't understand it. This is, if my reading is correct, both the truth and a path to explaining that you won't be as close as you have been, without burning bridges.

It's just about possible that DM would think it through and be able to explain her decision although I doubt it.

That's factually correct but begs the question, why was her mother discussing this for two years with her daughter if she didn't want her thoughts? And by extension, OP need not donate her time caring/doing admin etc and her mother has no business expecting it.

Yes, this