How do I make peace with this?

@Sunsetintheeast @LaLuz7 just saw your posts- totally agree with this.

@MissingYellowzigzags is it worth suggesting therapy to your mum? Either alone or perhaps family therapy?

What you do is cut all ties and tell her so imho she’s clearly not worth knowing.

I think you’ve got to the crux of the issue here.

I’m no psychologist, but there’s something here about the fact this is what happened to her. I call bullshit that she was fine with it.

I suspect she is pretending that this is acceptable as it means she doesn’t have to face up to the difficult emotions she feels about being cut off by her parents.

I would also say normally if someone cuts someone out of their will there should be a letter explaining why or there could be grounds for contesting it. My husbands step mum died a few years ago and as he didn't know her that well did not expect anything from her estate. It turned out she split it four ways, 30% to my BIL and 30% to her niece and nephew as she had no children. 10% went to my husband and a letter came with the Will explaining she knew my BIL much better as he stayed with his dad after my husbands parents divorced and my husband went with his mum as much younger. Therefore they didn't have such a close relationship. Clearly this is not the case with you so I am surprised the lawyer did not get her to write a letter to explain why she is cutting you out.

I cannot imagine treating either of our daughters the way you have been treated. Your mum is being patently unfair in favouring your DBs and any split in inheritance should have nothing to do with your DH salary or otherwise. Obviously if you have had a discussion about this for 2 years and she hasn't moved and doesn't see how hurtful this must be there is not much that can be done. It will undoubtedly affect how you feel about her and I would be making it clear that you will be doing no more in care in her later years for her than your DBs should she need it. Maybe take a step back for your own sanity.

I've written my will. I have split everything evenly between my children. How bizarre that any parent wouldn't.

She sounds sexist and in a way maybe wants to justify the treatment she received by doing the same to her children.

It sounds like it would be hard from her to change her mind as it’s gone on so long and most people would find it hard to change their mind.

Also I don’t get why she apparently acted on rumours of what your husband earns rather than finding out the truth. Maybe that’s just cover for her intentions all along. I’m sorry OP. I don’t get why a parent would do that.

This is also my theory. Op's mom perpetuating this tradition is a coping mechanism that helps her with her cognitive dissonance. She must have been deeply hurt by her parents but swallowed it down and rationalised it away, because it was too painful to accept the simple truth that her parents were misogynistic twats who didn't love her. It was easier to convince herself that it made sense and that was simply how the world worked.

By doing it to you she might be trying to prove it to herself that it's an acceptable practice and entirely normal, which means she wasn't a victim/unloved/fucked over.

Regardless, her choices still make her a selfish bastard. This theory might be an explanation but by no means an excuse. Fuck her.

Having read the whole thread this is clearly deep sexism - men are responsible for the money, you have a DH who is responsible for your money.
Gross. I's struggle to repair my relationship with my DM knowing she felt that way about my value in society.

Giving a million is very different to not getting it in the first place, plus it’s your choice.

The poet Daisy Goodwin’s mother did this to her, although she hadn’t had any warning. She wrote movingly about the devastating effect this had on her, perhaps you could Google.

It’s very difficult to convince people that it’s not about the money, it’s a massive psychological wound.

I don’t think you can make peace with this - I wouldn’t be able to. I believe children should be treated equally.

It is unfair, and you definitely do need to raise it, but going a bit against the grain here, I would give a million just to see my mum again.

Your mum is validating her own inheritance experience by doing the same.

I think you should say that unlike her, you can’t come to terms with this. On that basis you must withdraw for some space to reflect, and hope that the time also allows her the same space too.

I would feel peeved, upset, hurt and rejected. I’m sorry OP.

Sorry I've just read your updates. To me the fairest way would be to split equally. If she had based this falsely on your dh income without fully discussing it with you, then she's made a big mistake. As for dB with the addictions, whilst commonsense would say give him nothing, she's thinking with her heart (went through this with dmil and dsil) , if he's the one with kids I would have suggested it go to the grandkids but she's clearly not going to go down that route. I don't really know where you can go with this other than be practical about the care you can actually give. That she understand that the reality is that you're unlikely to be able to provide it. As you say the emotional damage is done, your dBs won't change and neither will dm. Having lost my dm I would say this, do what you think you'll feel okay with once she dies. As long as you feel you've done what you should and could with as few regrets as possible, then I think that's the best you can aim for.

If your siblings also feel it's deeply unfair, they can apply for a deed of variation that would see you inherit too. Of course they'd have to be in agreement on this. Who is the executor of the will?

You should say. Tell her you are upset by it and ask for her to reconsider the sharing %'s.

OP, just so you are aware, that if ‘value’ of engagement ring is £1500, you would only get a fraction of that if you were to sell it.

Something similar happened in my family. 2 sons got vast majority. Token to remaining siblings and grand children. Seemingly it was expected our husbands would look after us…. It is a VERY old fashioned view.
We knew about this since we were teenagers, and while it rankled we got over this. And while the sons did certainly help out on the caring side, the vast majority fell to a sister. But it didnt do anything to bring siblings closer together and caused some serious fallout between some siblings.

As a mother, I would not do anything that would damage siblings relationships between my children. Or to give any of my children the thought that they were less important to me in any way. And thankfully my DH feels the same.

It is hurtful. And in your shoes I would step back. I would certainly not step in as main carer, and get your brothers to share the load.

I have no one to leave me money but I have two siblings. They are in a significantly worse situation financially than me.

We get on well.

If my mother was alive and had an estate to leave, I could understand and support her leaving more to my sisters as I’m fine and they aren’t. My sisters would feel odd about it and require reassurance that I was not upset.

If I’d been left significantly more than them or the same I’d have probably given them more from my share.

Fairness can mean different things.

In OP’s case we have, a large estate, and three siblings who are all homeowners and financially in similar positions.

OP is expected to sacrifice her life and time to care for her mother in her old age.

There is absolutely zero justification for leaving her off except for wanting to.

And if she wants to - why?

There are no valid reasons and that, for me, is why the relationship would be over for me essentially - even if the Will was reversed.

She sees you as a factotum, a functionary, someone to service her. Not someone to cherish.

Any money left after I die goes to my children equally. One may be doing financially spectacularly and the other not so well, but leaving your money equally between your children is the very last thing you say to them. It’s the last message they get from you. It says, I love you all equally.

How wealthy a partner of one of them is does not come into it. And how wealthy one adult child is at the time the decision is made is not always indicative of their financial status at any point in the future ie when the parent dies.

If one of the children is doing better financially than another it’s up to them to decide if they want to give their share over to the one doing not so well,
imo.

I’ve seen the hurt adult children suffer when a sibling/siblings are given the lions share of the inheritance. They think their parent did not love them as much. If it costs more in tax to share it equally then so be it.

Death taxes are an abomination anyway. Tax the rich instead, imo.

You're expecting too much from her if you dictate how she divides the money, and she's expecting too much of you if she expects you not to resent this. There's no point falling out over it though, she could have many years in care and she may need to end up selling the house to pay for it anyway.

The only other thing I would say is that as hurtful as her behaviour is, I wouldn't cut contact completely. Forever is a long time, and once she's gone, she's gone, you won't get a do-over,and if your kids turn around in 15 years time she is gone and say they wish they'd not lost contact with her in the interim you may at that stage wish you had still maintained some level.of relationship, albeit strained, for the sake of your kids if nothing else...

@Merryoldgoat Fair enough, it was a while back and my memory is hazy!

Have only skimmed the full thread so apologies if this has already been suggested, but is there someone whose views she would respect who could intervene? This seems so very, very wrong and she seems oblivious to the impact it will have on your relationship with her. She needs putting straight. She will not only wreck her own relationship with you, but will destroy the whole family after she's gone. She needs someone she respects to sit her down and make her see sense.

@OnemoresliceofChristmascake

No. It doesn’t work like that.

Allowances can only be transferred between spouses.

Allowance is increased if a child over 30 lives in the house and has done for 7 years prior to death of parent.

Allowances relate to the estate of the deceased, not the (non-spouse) beneficiaries.

Has she been money conscious in her life? It sounds like she does not connect money with anything. She was left out of her parents will and she was fine with it. Hey brother bankrupted the business and she paid for it. Is there any chance she has a completely non emotional, eccentric, disconnect when it comes to financial matters? Is she extremely pragmatic as a rule?