How do I make peace with this?

One thing I would say OP is that as your mother gets older you will be assumed to be her "carer" by health and social services.
I'm bombarded by phone calls and letters regarding my mother from all sides, many assuming I can drop everything to take her to appointments, sort out her finances or even make decisions on her behalf about her health.

I would ensure that your brother's number is the one registered as next of kin if I were you as it will be a bitter pill otherwise.

You must be so hurt.

Seems like an utter waste of money to contest this will. Your DH doesn’t have a leg to stand on

ridiculoso82 yes it is

My problem is that Dh is so desperate to hold onto the fantasy that he had a close family I can see at some point that BIL will talk to him about the embarrassment of washing the families dirty linen in public and say he will help out with anything he wants if he drops the case. But when the court case is dropped there will be an excuse as to why there isn’t any money.
Or he will be given some money with strings attached, one of which is that I don’t benefit and it is kept a secret.
DH being Dh will squander any money he gets.
I have already told Dd and Ds to not expect anything from their uncle as he is a liar, like his parents and even if he did say he was leaving dc something there would be so many strings attached they would never be eligible to collect

With regards to Dh even when I have proven they have done something that has devastated his life, he would never stand up to them or get off the chosen pathway.

Is this the MIL who refused to tell your husband about his father passing and never told him where his father was buried?

tbh it doesn’t sound like contesting her will is going to be successful given before her dementia diagnosis she was already making it clear she wanted no relationship with your husband?

Unfortunately we have experienced something like this a few months ago.

I knew PIL would never leave anything to Dh because he was the younger brother.
His father was the eldest son (but youngest child) and had inherited everything from his father at the expense of his older sisters who never spoke to him again. ((Business, family home, money, jewellery, artwork)

I once pointed out that they weren’t going to leave anything to Dh and was told that wasn’t the case. They were insistent that everything was divided equally after children were given a small percentage
And maybe at one stage that was the case.

Dh believed every word his family told him at the expense of me trying to point out the reality.
Firstly FIL died and his mum and brother didn’t tell Dh until after the funeral. He was so upset and I don’t think he ever got over it. To this day he doesn’t know where his dad is buried.
He thought his dad would have left him something as they shared the same hobby. But his mother had written out the will a few months before fil’s death from cancer leaving everything to her. Fil’s signature looked very weak.

Then mil died last year.
Lying toad of BIL was telling DH that things were complicated with regard to mil’s will and he needed to sort things out before Dh and dc could get their inheritance. On top of that he said mil didn’t want a funeral as it cost so much. This didn’t make any sense as it was always assumed that mil would go in the already bought and paid for family plot.
Dh now doesn’t know where his mother is buried either

I had to show dh mil’s will on line to show that apart from the fact he wasn’t getting a thing.
MIL’s will was dated a few weeks before her dementia diagnosis leaving everything (7 figures) to BIL and had already been paid out to his brother.
It is now in the hands of solicitors as apparently a doctor would have had to sign the will to show that mil still fully understood what she was signing. Instead a neighbour signed it.
Dh hasn’t spoken to his brother since

His brother did say to him that when he died then Dh would get everything.
First time Dh has ever called out the lies. He pointed out that as he has a terminal diagnosis, and unless his brother was going to drop down dead in the next few weeks then to stop lying to himself about how he thinks things will workout.

That’s awful!

I was in a similar-ish situation, though not nearly as bad as yours. My Dad died young, and was survived by his grandparents. They dotted on me, but didn’t leave me anything in their will. My Dad’s ‘share’ was divided equally between his siblings - who he never got on with. I got nothing. And my aunts/uncles cleared the house without me knowing, so I have no mementos at all and no photos of my dad from when he was young.

Like you, I didn’t care about the money, but it made me feel like I didn’t matter to them as much as the rest of the family. It also made me question my memories of our relationship.

Does your DM really think you will all play happy families with your brothers after she’s gone? Things will never be the same between you.

Problem is, your mother has now made it about the money. If she makes her will fair, you and her relationship will be defined by that.

Personally, I would cut contact down to at most whatever your siblings do regardless of whether she changes it or not.

Again, your kosher is at fault here, not you.

In one sense, she has done you a huge favour by revealing what a sociopath she is before you spent years of emotional energy on her care.

I feel so hurt for you. I can't believe a parent would be so cruel and unfair? Could you show her this thread? Honestly- at this point if you are considering cutting contact (which I totally would be too), then you really have nothing to lose. Perhaps seeing how much of us are outraged on your behalf, she will see reason?

Having been treated that way by her parents you'd think that she would want to treat her own daughter better!

She may not have minded but Op obviously does.

She's only 75-young enough to have thought it a ridiculous notion!

I just saw that your mother was treated the same way by her parents. I think this explains why she is doing this, she think this is how it's supposed to be and she's following in her parents footsteps not realising the error of her ways. Parents can be flawed people but I think at this age they are stuck in their way of thinking and too difficult to change.

I think you should take a step back to try to heal, I think there's no point to hold a grudge as life is too short and your mum is old you don't want tobhave any regrets. I think you need to try coming to terms with her decision. Of course you are hurt but if it's a cultural thing you may need to be more understanding. But now you know it's your choice on how to continue with the relationship as in you may feel you don't want to take on as much care responsibility to not feel resentment towards her and your siblings. Only you know what feels right for you to do, don't let obligation force you, just do what you feels right in light of the circumstances.

As you have already tried speaking with your mum and she hasn't taken your feelings into account. I think the only way to get her to understand how hurt you are is by taking a step back from her. It may be difficult for you to do but if she cares she will feel it and realise she has hurt you alot. Also I would tell her I will not be able to care for her fulltime and do all the appointments, the other siblings need to share the load especially as they are gaining much more financially. It's not fair and they are taking advantage of your good nature. You need to stand up for yourself, I know she's your mum and it can be the hardest thing to stand up to your parents but you have to stop being a door mat.

Also are you of South Asian heritage by any chance? If so then I don't think yor mum will change her mind unfortunately but the reason males inherit in Asian culture is because they are expected to care for the parents which isn't the case here. If she doesn't change her mind I would definitely not care for her fulltime, again it's not about the money but by not treating you fairly she has damaged the relationship.

So the OP's mother is repeating history. She was treated badly by her parents so she will do the same to her daughter.
Surely we learn from history and don't make the same mistakes.

What an awful situation to be in OP. You love your Mum but she is treating you dreadfully.
BIL had the same situation in his wider family.
The "golden" child received more. The same "golden" child did the least for his parent. Lived with the parent as divorced. Contributed little to the running of the home. Pleaded poverty but drank and smoked to his heart's content.
The sibling who did the most for the parent got the least.

It seems that most people are in agreement that the root of the decision lies in old-fashioned attitudes, but the additional detail about DM having been treated the same way by her own parents perhaps explains things more fully. She probably put up and shut up back then because that is what was expected of her, but you are not your DM, OP, and you do need her to acknowledge that this is not a normal way to treat a valued DD. What are you going to do?

@HoppingPavlova 👍

@LadyEloise1 What happens if the really savvy sibling gets seriously ill and can no longer be super savvy or his money is eaten up by bills for health care for himself or his close family or his world comes tumbling down due to world events. When man plans the future, the Gods ( or God - depending on your beliefs) smile.

What bit about relevant insurances didn’t you read? Insurance due to illness/incapacity, job loss; ring fencing etc. All pricy but necessary. They don’t have a family as yet, but even so have all of this covered with a shit tonne payout (yes, for which premiums are substantial, but worth it).

We do have two who likely won’t be able to afford anywhere near these premiums so this is taken into account in the planning and one who pretty much will be ineligible for any insurances due to pre-existing disability which has also all been factored in, as I said they do all this sort of modelling for a living so are not exactly shutting their eyes and stabbing at figures.

Honestly, ignore that poster, they have a hobby of kicking people when they're down

I did say oddball theory! But I think she's not so secretly crazy as the way she's treating OP is senseless. OP definitely needs to get people in to look after DM, no arse-wiping for her, if necessary DM can do equity release on the house to pay for it as IIRC DMs money / wealth is mainly the house.

Also agree with @Sunsetintheeast and others. It does seem likely your mum is repeating her parents' behaviour as a way of rationalising it (and of easing her own pain).

"I love Zigzags but am leaving her out of my will; ergo my parents leaving me out of their will doesn't mean they didn't love me."

All messed up. So sorry you having to go through this.

Unless she's secretly crazy that's a bit of a wild leap.

So Im wondering - oddball theory - have you actually seen the will itself? Maybe it is divided three ways? Could she be doing a King Lear wanting you to prove your love by looking after her while expecting nothing and actually you do get a share?

Otherwise it makes no sense, and I'd be telling the brothers their inheritance will be whittled away on carers, cleaners and personal shoppers as you're taking a back seat to the drudgery but will keep seeing your DM socially.

She's had two years to reconcile her thoughts. No amount of explaining or persuading or explained hurt will make any difference now. Its a stab in the back for you, OP. I wonder if you examine your relationship closely, were there any cracks? are you mired in FOG? Either way, she's let you know where you stand. I personally would consider concentrating my efforts on my own family now, perhaps a move far away from the area to remove yourself from any conflicting emotions. A fresh start away from the future you imagined.

@Sunsetintheeast i agree with this theory. My mother had a shitty childhood so I (but not my sibling ) also got a shitty childhood. My DD did not have a shitty childhood because I broke the cycle despite not having a role model to follow for being a good mother. I simply thought of all of the things I had wished for in a mother when I was a lonely, isolated child. I knew good mothers existed because my friends had them.

Having a mother who actively dislikes you/tries to embarrass you is a shameful burden you carry for your whole life. To find out at the end your mother’s view of you must be devastating. @MissingYellowzigzags your mother has a choice how to behave and has chosen to repeat the sins of the past simply because she had the same experience. You cannot rationalise this behaviour because there is no rationale.

My mother has done this to me even though I've done more care & support for her over the years. I didn't accept it & realised that actually she'd always treated me unfairly, and really she is completely unable to provide any support or unconditional care for her anyone let alone me.
Haven't spoken to her for over 5: years & would be very happy never to see her again.

I think you have to take some space & decide what to do, if anything. You need to move forward in a way that helps you, nothing you can do about her decision by the sound of it but I'd try to detach & go from there.

I suspect she is pretending that this is acceptable as it means she doesn’t have to face up to the difficult emotions she feels about being cut off by her parents.

I don't normally do cod-psychology, but this sounds very possible.