How do I make peace with this?

how much is it going to hurt when her will is read out and I get nothing? That’s one thing you needn’t worry about - will’s aren’t usually read out.

In our wider family it was similar- the lazy brother, who did nothing for anybody, who suited himself, drank too much but was the golden child got far more than the caring angel that was his sister.
My cousin still hasn't got over it. It hurt her to the quick.

Bloody hell that's mean. Horrible.
My DM has had far more time with me than my "D"B because I'm a better DD than he is a DS. Frankly I think I should get more not less of her inheritance (not that she has anything, tbc).

This OP

Your Mums behaviour is either extremely nasty or slightly deranged. It looks like the former.

I'd struggle having any relationship with her.

I'm glad that the therapist is, carefully, (given her role) making it clear that she empathises with you, and she's trying to get your mum to understand what she's doing.
It's bizarre that your mum cannot understand it herself. You and your family moved to be nearer her, which in itself was an act of kindness, yet she's punishing you for it. It's beyond comprehension really.

I've been on the other side of this. My mum has been determined to disinherit my brother. He's the one who lives near her and does everything for her that she needs (beyond care, as she's in an extra care facility). I've had row over row with her over it (it's not as simple as a will, it involves a couple of houses, one of which he's lived in with his wife for 25 years).

The difference between your situation and his, is that he's oblivious to her machinations, and should I fail to prevent it happening, anything I gain at his expense will be put right by me after her death. But it won't take away from the hurt, I'm sure. Even though it won't take him by surprise. We both know that she's not a nice person.

It's all the harder for you though, because you were so close before. I'm so sorry.

It is clearly sexism and old fashioned idea that wealth should pass down the male line.

Given that she clearly doesn’t have a high opinion of you - and possibly all woman - do you think it’s a good idea for DD to have 1-2-1 time with your mother? I’d look carefully at that time they have together, not as punishment for your mum, but because I’d worry what was said to DD. If being round your mum isn’t good for your mental health, is it good for your daughter?

Hi OP, I feel very sorry for you.

Basically, it is sexism. It's irrelevant how much your earn - if you were a SAHM she would probably still disinherit you based on what DH earns. The point is that the boys are the "providers" and she wants to make them at least equal to your DH and you are the "carer" who is expected to run around after everyone and provide unpaid labour. It's really up to you how much you want to be seen in this way - your aunt clearly has the same values.

One of the reasons why splitting inheritances equally is fair (aside from the emotional/favouritism aspect) is a form of Rawlsian philosophy in terms of splitting the cake. It's not possible to be precisely fair, because the clock on what you all have doesn't stop when your mum dies - your husband could get ill or leave, a brother could win the lottery or get a better job, or a brother's wife could leave and take him to the cleaners. I think that there's a case for a less equal split if, for example, one sibling's basic needs cannot be met without it, but this is not in that territory and your mum is being very unfair.

When your mum says she has given you a lot of time, is this unencumbered mutually agreeable time, or time where you need to make yourself available to do something for her? I'm not saying there's no value in time, but often people don't really value women's time, or the things they might do for themselves if they were not running around pleasing someone else.

You are allowed to feel sad and disappointed. I think it is healthy to try to get a bit of distance and I think it is helpful to frame it in that way to your brother and aunt - it's her decision and you just don't see her in the same way, so you are distancing yourself to protect yourself from further hurt.

Keep going to therapy but keep the contact low.

Let her realise what it's like without you in her life in meaningful way.

And if she does leave it all to DBs and they accept it, I would go NC with them both.

Actually reflecting on this again, the family therapy is making progress. The fact she has admitted the current split of inheritance is down to your DHs earnings is a huge step forward for her.

My guess is it's not even about you, it's about her treatment all those years ago. If she admits she is treating you shabbily, then she has to admit that she too was badly served.

So sorry OP. Was there favourable treatment of your brothers when younger? My parents struggled with my brother, but sent him to private school (undiagnosed ASD, with the local school raising concerns was a factor) and funded Uni for him. I went to the local comp and had to work through Uni, despite better grades. In our case I wonder how much it is a case of clutching at 'upper class traditions' with the son favoured.

So sorry OP. I really feel for you and understand how hurt you feel.

OP that sounds terribly sad on your part. Does she have form for treating others like this, or has she done anything historically that might nod towards this behaviour? It sounds like she's punishing you in some way. Does she have some deep rooted sexism that she might not be aware of? (If she's treating sons and daughters differently that might be the case). I simply cannot imagine why any caring parent would do this to their child.

Keep going with the family therapy.

It's so odd that your DM clearly values her relationship with you so highly that she is prepared to do this, but the cognitive dissonance between that and her actions doesn't seem to be resonating yet.

@MissingYellowzigzags This is absolutely not on you - it's on them. I would be minded to find some space from your brother (very easy to say he wouldn't mind being cut out when he knows full well he isn't) and I'd be continuing LC with your Mum, if not NC. I really hope you are OK, this must be devastating.

Sending hugs OP, understandably you are very upset I get that it’s not about the finance, it about feeling you don’t have the same worth as your siblings to mum.

My mum was very toxic, and if she fell out with you she would do her utmost to stop everyone else in the family talking to do too. people that have lovely mums really don’t understand how intolerable and upsetting these complicated family situations can be.

It doesn’t sound like your mum will change her mum, even given that she knows how much this decision has hurt you. You can’t change your mum, but you can protect yourself against the upset, by staying away.

Wishing you all the best OP

This is very difficult OP. I'm guessing that you are feeling a huge sense of rejection, will you, knowing what you know, be able to get over this? Will you be able to go back to your previous relationship with her and your other family members?
My opinion, probably not I know it would take a great deal of time for me to accept all of this and be okay especially with the other family members.
From my own experience of family strife I would suggest not discussing it with family members who are close it inevitably makes things worse as people feel the need to "take sides"

What was the family therapist's input into the conversation, OP?

I'm so sorry OP. I think your mum is being unbelievably cruel. It sounds like she is enjoying having power over you and hurting you this way.

Honestly, I would cut contact with her to as little as you can manage. Pay for nothing. Let her know that this has damaged your relationship beyond repair. It is her choice, but choices have consequences.

She is treating you very cruelly and your brother is joining in. This kind of injustice can't be accepted - it will make you ill. You can reject this treatment and send a clear message that you are worth so much more.

See an individual therapist if you can. This is very hard.

I agree .
Terribly unfair and I can't believe the ' children ' are genuinely happy with this . It really irks me that those that achieve something in life are cut out a will . IME unfair wills do nothing but give rise to family estrangements and bad feeling .

The relationship would have to change. I’d be too hurt for anything else. If you don’t like the ring, tell her you will throw it off a pier. It sounds like you would only have unkind memories to associate with it so it would be the best thing to do if she leaves it to you.
Where would you like to live? I would have serious discussions with my Dh to make sure we weren’t living our life to support her anymore. What does emigrating to australia or somewhere else look like? Can’t hurt to discuss it! Can you afford a holiday far away like that? Id agree with my Dh to be absent for several full days and nights next time she needs care, email brothers and mum youre away /supporting your dh with something and unavailable. After all, he is the one who supports you apparently, she must expect yiu to prioritise that.

Every time I read these situations I feel it says a lot more about the person who is writing the will than the person they leave out. Clearly she thinks she doesn’t have to do anything to win your favour, whereas her sons, she’s being a bit desperate, unfortunately they will just carry on as they are because they see it’s working for them. She is a fool. And they know it.

You have been handed a get out of jail card re caring though. Presumably your siblings won’t want the house sold to cover care costs, but that bares no impact on you. They are next of kin and should have full responsibility. You have earned your right to freedom. You don’t need to go no contact, but all contact should be entirely on your terms now.

I hope your mother changes her will to include you