How do I make peace with this?

Agree with this.

Show your mum that you are not going to be messed about any more. Stop letting her see your daughter. It will cause harm to her if it is not doing already.

Cut your mother off as she has already done to you. If she needs help let the golden boys do it.

Carry on with the therapy on your own and hopefully you can begin to heal.

So sorry @MissingYellowzigzags . You deserve better than this.

This is so sad, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can continue to detach and start to heal.

Another who agrees with @Kennykenkencat

She's humouring you to keep you a bit onside for her own advantage, while not having your back with other relatives. It's worth her while as she can then see her granddaughter.

She's playing you and your emotions like a fiddle

I think Kennykencat has it right. She's playing with you and it's time to cut your losses. What she's doing is so unbelievably cruel.

Why do you keep trying to make her something she is not

She has set out in her will and in her eyes that you are not part of her family

Time to move on and show her that actions have consequences.

Stop giving her your daughter. Stop giving Mother’s Day presents and cards.Stop with the therapy

Your mother probably enjoys the way you keep trying to win her round and her pretending she is oblivious to what the therapist says.

Time to move on and stop wasting your time.
Instead use your time to make more money than she could possibly have left you and give your Dd the best life possible. She doesn’t need a granny who will poison her against you when she gets bored of playing with you

I would also look at moving far far away.

I think you need some breathing space from her apart from the family therapy
What she's doing is cruel, she's justifying it because it turned out OK for her
Sending hugs @MissingYellowzigzags

My brother in law is due to receive all the inheritance from his mother (and it’s a lot I believe) and nothing to his brother. This is the other way round because apparently brother isn’t close to her etc … I say nothing … but can’t see how it is fair at all. My BIL is obviously very happy with this arrangement and there’s been no offer of a share. I don’t know the details but I don’t know how they can just have these arrangements and no one say anything!

Your brother is ridiculous. Did he maintain eye contact when saying how he wouldn’t mind being cut out?

I think your mother is so entrenched in her position that there’s no going back. Like the saying goes you can’t control what other people do but what you do. I’d stop the therapy and just distance yourself from her.

Does your daughter understand or ask about why the fallout? What do you say? I’d be truthful. Would she want to be around someone who treats her cousins better than her?

And where did she get this money from? At her age is unlikley that she will have earned it herself. Maybe an inheirtance or life insurance from late husband?

Why do elderly parents do this. Just why? I am a great believer in leaving your money to whomever you like but this sort of behaviour is selfish and curel. They dangle the carrot and as a PP the will will not be changed. It will be their final revenge and they KNOW by then you cannot do anything about it.

Its a power trip

Oh and by the way, you are not seeing any of this money. You think she will suddenly change her mind? In her 80s?

Scenario 1: "Oh yes darling daughter, I see what a [REDACTED] I have been to you. I will change my will this week"
A month later: "Oh sorry, I simply forgot. I will go down the solicitors and do it tomorrow. When are you dropping granddaughter off?"
6 months later "Oh it TOTALLY slipped my mind. I am so busy with granddaughter you know. I will do it next week"
At the funeral: "And I leave nothing to my daughter."

Scenario 2: "Oh yes darling daughter, I see what a [REDACTED] I have been to you. I changed my will to include you last week"
At the funeral: "And I leave nothing to my daughter."

Scenario 3: The will is changed to be fair.
2 months after the funeral, a solicitors letter drops through your door. "Your brother is suing to have your late mother's will changed due to your manipulation of her during her last days"
You lose all the money either through fighting this BS or this BS ends up succeeding.

100% this.

There is no way I would be allowing your mother any involvement with your child going forward.

You appear deep in a FOG, fear,obligation and guilt......

Your mother is not a nice person and she knows well what she is doing is wrong and inflicting pain on you.

Yet still you offer your child to her.

Step away and protect yourself.

She will do EXACTLY as she wishes, of that you can be sure.

For your mental health and self respect, step away completely with your child and protect you both.

That you haven't already says a lot about your conditioning by her over the years.

Protect yourself and your child.

If your mother did this to your shitty brother I bet he would disappear from her life immediately. She does it to you because you are too nice.

Her behaviour is outrageous. Its nasty and it's vindictive.

Your brother is just as bad. What a nasty person he is.

So many people are corrupted by money.

Oh have no qualms about making sure everyone in the wider family knows what's happening too.

If she doesn't have dementia, your mother is a plain and simple see you next Tuesday.

This is classic narcissist behaviour. She enjoys hurting you and by the way, the interaction with DD is just another one of her tools to inflict pain on you.

The difficult thing about narcs is that they learn to be very manipulative so that their victims can only see them as being sweet and caring.

As to feeling bad when she dies - no. She's the one who made this about money, not you. If it's not about money, why is it so important she hands it all to our brothers? Why does she insist you pay for absolutely everything when you're with her?

Lastly, one of your brothers has outed himself as a narc as well. There is absolutely no way I would accept this in his position. Your favourite aunt remains to be seen. If you have spoken with her one on one and laid out the situation and she still thinks this is A-ok, then congratulations, you seem to have uncovered the family viper nest.

what a dreadful situation to be in! She seems to be carrying out her life to the blueprint of what she herself was subjected to. For her, to do otherwise, would be to admit great wrongs in her life and that she did nothing about them. She wants you to be the same to reinforce her beliefs that she did the right thing.

Google ‘The Mother Wound’ by Bethany Webster to see if any of that rings true.

I also have two brothers. We all get on fine but I’ve always felt I was treated differently to them. It’s something I struggle with to this day.

All I can say is I'm so sorry you are in this absolutely ghastly position and would also consider cutting contact.
I would also consider writing her a letter pointing out the inconsistencies in her position and the pain it has caused you.

Your mother got nothing from her parents, her brothers were left everything.
So misogynistic
and she is about to do the same to you.
It defies logic.

OP, I am so sorry. You sound like a lovely daughter and most parents would be proud to call you that. But this woman is not going to change her mind, no matter what you do. The therapy is wasting your money and dragging out the pain for you. The only point I would make is that she is also disinheriting her granddaughter in favour of her cousins for no good reason at all. If your DD knew how much she intended to favour her cousins financially over her would she still be so excited to spend time with her lovely granny? People who do this are controlling, so much so they want to control people when they’re no longer here. Instead of leaving their loved ones with happy memories and family support they throw a big fuck off grenade from beyond the grave where they can’t answer for or be held responsible for ripping a family apart. I actually wonder if they are terrified of their own mortality and being unable to manipulate people around them. Your mother has caused her own “devastation” and no one else. I would not be able to talk to her again. It’s up to your DD if she wants to but she should at least be armed with the facts.

So sorry OP.
To be frank I don't think I could continue with therapy in these circumstances. She's not prepared to budge but is continuing to hurt you. She's relying on the fact that you wish to repair this, while she makes no changes despite being the cause. Your commitment to therapy while she won't budge tells her this.
At this stage I'd walk away. Stuff them. Easy for me to say as it's not my family but while you pander to her, she won't change.
At the next session I'd simply say "I need to draw this to an end and walk away. There's no progress and I can see there won't be. It's just perpetuating the hurt."
Whether you walk away or continue to see her, on her eventual death you'll have all sorts of upsetting feelings and regrets. Carrying on seeing her won't bring you peace on her death. You'll still have a lifetime of hurt at her choices.
I'd walk completely. It might be the shake she needs. It might not.

Strange how your brother would be happy to be left out but isn't offering to share or give you entirely his half! You know as he wouldn't be bothered. Have you mentioned that to him at all?

As for your mother have you discussed the possibility in therapy that this is almost a way of her getting her own back when she was left nothing? You do see it quite often id say where when a person is treated badly and you'd think they'd be sure not to treat people the same, they actually treat people as badly and the cycle just continues.

Hi op , I think the way your Mam is treating you is horrendous. How could she do this to her own daughter. I just read an article on google under the daily mirrow , it read " Woman wins court battle after being left out of Dad's "sexism Will" look it up it may give you some hope.

I honestly can’t get my head around this.
It must be so upsetting and make you feel so utterly frustrated that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
What a stubborn woman. I don’t think I’d be able to carry on with the relationship but I have become less forgiving as
I’ve got older and hold massive fuck off grudges 🥴
Sending you hope for a desirable outcome for you and strength to deal with this completely infuriating woman 💐

So sorry to read this, this is awful, her attitude towards you stinks! And she has the audacity to expect u to pay?!!

I am sorry to read your update op. Your situation has played on my mind a lot, not least because I am no contact with my own dm. Its been five months and, although she reached out, it was not with an apology and so I am content to keep the status quo. I do wonder if you suggesting family therapy was a mistake, that your dm may have viewed it as your desperation to get her to come around? I honestly think you've done the right thing creating distance but therapy kind of undoes that iykwim?

I'm a firm believer in absenting yourself from hurtful situations. Leave her alone with her 'devastation'. It may focus the mind.

This is the opposite of what you see on Mumsnet sometimes where the daughter who provides the caring expects to receive MORE than siblings who didn't.

I provide all the care for my Mum but I wouldn't dream of expecting more however the thought that I'd receive less because of it would be really crazy.