How do I make peace with this?

Another one @MissingYellowzigzags who thinks you should thank your Mum for her change in position and continue with the therapy (but also ask for sight of the new will). She was totally wrong to have made this decision in the first place but some people would just dig their heels in and stick with it regardless, so I think a gracious acceptance on your part would acknowledge that.

Sorry to hear this OP. My mums estate wouldn’t be worth anything like your mums and I have a brother and a sister. I am the oldest and I can imagine my mum doing this. Or worse giving my brother the house and splitting any money between my sister and my niece. On the basis that they need it more.

On paper it looks like we earn more than my siblings because we live in a nicer house, in a nicer area and we both went to Uni so have better jobs. However, my brother still lives at home with my mother only works part time, pays no bills, always trying to fill his time in taking his dog on ling walks and can always afford to change his car so has a new car every two years. Sister and her partner have a business but they make stupid decisions like they and both kids always have the latest iphones, expensive jackets, expensive trainers/footwear, have umpteen canoes, paddleboards, all have electric bikes, various gaming devices, IT stuff and never factor in paying tax etc etc.

I have stepped back because it feels like the vultures are circling and feel I and my family can’t do anything right and whatever we do sister and niece (her daughter) are always the golden ones.

You can’t make peace with it but step back and have others have said if she needs care it can come from her estate.

I agree with the previous posters. Do not turn down the offer but you must continue with the counselling with her.

She needs to understand this was never about the money but how she viewed your relationship.

You must also make sure she does change her will - perhaps the therapist can help with this too, maybe see your mum on her own?

The first paragraph of this is really sound! Why is your mother discussing your husband’s salary (perceived or not)with anyone!!! That’s just not on. It’s no one’s business and beyond rude.

@MissingYellowzigzags pleased your mum has at last seen sense and has acknowledged the upset it has caused you not to mention the unfairness.

Rather an odd comment from your “friend”, why would they say that? It’s not about winning/losing it about the unfair treatment that has upset you deeply, surely a friend would understand that?

I know it was not about money at all for you OP, but doing what’s right and fair. As a mum, I never favour one of mine over another, regardless of their family circumstances.

Wishing you all the best with rebuilding your relationship with your mum OP

OP, for such a nice person, do you think it is actually normal for a mother to be mis advertising your husbands private business, his salary?

Kindly meant but I don't think nice people do that.

She's telling lies about your husbands salary to fit her narrative.

I certainly wouldn't associate that with a nice person.

I still think you have probably been conditioned by her for a very long time by virture of accepting her behaviour.

I think a lot of daughters would have firmly put their mother in her place as would a son in law.

I think you should accept your share, but I am at a loss as to how the relationship is repaired.

Perhaps continue with the family counselling but I think you should protect your child and yourself from her.

I would think some counselling yourself could be very helpful too.

Whatever her bonkers reasoning, she has caused you huge pain and tells lies about your husband.

Not normal behaviour at all.

I would continue to be very wary.

Agree.

The damage from your DM behaviour will take a long time to heal. I’d actually say that it will never be the same, which is probably a good thing tbh.

But I wouldn’t rush to resume all meeting ups etc… as if nothing had ever happened.

Your mother did make a very bizarre and misguided decision.
Perhaps it all stems from the way she was treated by her parents. Maybe she never came to terms with it. All the hurt and confusion was internalised and the result is she is quite irrationally dealing the same cards she was dealt to you. Abuse of many sorts does echo down the generations.
You are quite right to stand up to such unfair treatment.
You must believe that you were motivated by a desire for equity and not by greed.
Be at peace with yourself.
Your mother may have been severely damaged by repressing the feelings, which the unfair treatment meted out to her, have caused.
Try and find a way back to a meaningful relationship with her.
Your brothers though, deserve a huge kick up the pants. I would give them both short shrift.

Take the offer, and be gracious. Allow her to do this without making her feel bad for previous decisions. Let people know it was all a misunderstanding.

Keep going with the therapy.

I'm honestly amazed that she's decided this and would want to get it all in writing. She sounds very cruel and manipulative from what you've said on here, so while I would do the things above, I'd want it all in writing and to carry on with therapy to get to a point of understanding with you.

I agree with @saraclara , keep going with the family counselling. Some people seem to think that your DM is conniving and pretending to do this because she gets more time with her DGD and you go back to taking her out and looking after her.

I don't think it's that at all, I think the idea of the men coming first is so deeply embedded in her psyche that she expected it to be equally embedded in yours.

Accept the offer and continue with family counselling. Do not go back to being her carer.

for the sake of your dcs take the offer. Even if you don’t need it yourself in a few years time it could be a house deposit, uni fees or a car.

Rebuilding the relationship with your DM may take a while. I think you also need to continue with the therapy and start rebuilding the friendship slowly. Maybe start with a coffee out afterwards.

whatever happens you will never get over her thinking this was ‘ok’. Deep down she probably knows it wasn’t and may be her way of alleviating the hurt when it was done to her. Who knows. But admitting it for her will be huge and is unlikely to happen.

Don't turn it down. This is what you were asking for, so you'll simply sound churlish.
What you do need though, is for her to accept that she is massively wrong about what your DH earns, and for her to be prepared to put that right with the people that she's given the mistaken amount to.

I honestly don't know where this all came from with your mum. You describe her as such a warm and caring person, that you were really close to. While it's going to be really hard to let this go, it also seems so sad to lose that because of what's in your head right now. She's still that person underneath. She made a bizarre decision, but she's still a mum who's up to now been a massively better mum than some of us have. Maybe it's because I have a really shit mum, but I'd be sad to see you throw away the relationship.

Can you continue the counseling to help get back to where you both were?

For you it wasn't about the money. It was about being treated differently to your siblings.

What would bring you most peace in life? I would go with that

I don't think your relationship will go back to what it was unfortunately

Take the offer OP, but ask to see it confirmed in writing.
If you choose to give your share to your DBs when that sad day arrives, that's your choice, but you needed your DM to demonstrate that she saw you as equally worthy.

i think you will need some proof of this, who knows if she is being truthful? could she say it but not do it?

Thanks for the update. I didn’t expect that. I’d try rebuild the relationship. I can see though why it seems hollow and not like a win.

I also don’t get why she has the wrong impression of what your husband makes and why she’s not taking your correction.

I don't suppose there is anyway to have a conversation with the whole family and solicitor where she admits her unfairness and makes it clear that there will be no contesting the change?

Or you tell her too little too late...

That’s great news, OP! Please don’t turn it down. You never know what the future will bring, and you can decide what to do with your share later.

Please also remember your brothers were not there for you, so they don’t deserve your share.

Is there a possibility she is just saying she will change but not actually change it? Have you ever seen her will?

1st paragraph should read

Your mother is keeping you around for her own amusement I would suggest she is doing so because she is planning on you being the one to care for her when she needs it.

Damn auto correct.

Are art from keeping you around for her own amusement I would suggest she is so landing on you being the one to care for her when she needs it.
Can you see your brothers giving up their jobs to care for their mother, wipe her bum and what ever else she can’t do.

Or do you think they all expect you to do it (probably haven’t even considered you won’t) so their inheritance won’t be gobbled up with care home fees.

You can’t make your mother into something she isn’t.
All the therapy in the world won’t suddenly make her see how selfish she is and have a sudden epiphany and make it all up to you
because she knows that she is selfish towards you and it keeps her going thinking up new ways to inflict pain on you and watching you tie yourself in knots trying to change her

OP I’m sorry you are going through this. I agree with PPs that nothing is going to get her to see the situation as unfair so don’t waste any more time and energy on her. Let your brothers do the care and running around. If you are not there to do the care your mother’s money will be used for that anyhow which will eat into their inheritance. I never understand parents that don’t split wills evenly between children (unless there is a major drug, alcohol issue but even then there must be a way of putting in a trust or something). It should never be based on what you currently have. Your financial situation could change overnight.

I really do feel for you . It’s so sad and if I was in your position I would feel extremely upset too . I just can not understand where she is coming from , at all .

As others have said the Will can be varied within 2 years of her death if all the residuary beneficiaries (ie, your two brothers) agree.