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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
janeeyreair · 02/01/2023 07:35

Is it a sexist point of view from her? Your husband earns more that brothers so she assumes thats what counts and the 'boys' need to get the inheritance to provide for families .

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:34

I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older-

you are not very respectful or kind to your mother, are you?

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:33

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:32

@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

Good grief…. You and your mother have really thrashed out this will haven’t you?

SheilaFromTheFuture · 02/01/2023 07:32

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:28

@Paq Siblings haven’t said anything.

Nothing at all? Not even an eye roll, shoulder shrug? You need to get together, in person to discuss it.

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:32

@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

OP posts:
watchfulwishes · 02/01/2023 07:30

You don't make peace with it, it is a shitty thing to do to you.

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:28

@Paq Siblings haven’t said anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:26

@janeeyreair the upset was because she told me 2 years ago that this was what she was planning to do….there have been several monumental rows where I have tried to explain to her how undervalued and undeserving this decision makes me feel……i thought she might reconsider to make it slightly less unfair- but actually irrespective of whether she was to reconsider the damage is done, she has drawn a very clear line in the sand.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 02/01/2023 07:22

Is the we've spent more time together also a pre warning she expects you to do any care required? Are your other siblings male?
It's petty but I'd be withdrawing a bit, clearly she feels she's spent enough time with you!

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:21

No, you're right to be upset.

What do your siblings say?

neighboursmustliveon · 02/01/2023 07:20

I'm not sure I could make peace with this. Do your siblings know? Would they discuss with her how unfair this is and how it would make you feel less loved?

KangarooKenny · 02/01/2023 07:20

Wow, I couldn’t make peace with that.

janeeyreair · 02/01/2023 07:18

What was the upset during the 2 years?

I would be feeling the same as you.