Page 26 | How do I make peace with this?

MissingYellowzigzags · 2023-01-02T07:03:31+00:00

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving? my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

Original poster

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:51

@MintJulia husband doesn’t earn millions and we all own our own homes.

@yorkshirepudsx this is largely due to DH earnings. She told me a figure the other day that she said someone ‘who shall remain nameless’ had told her was how much DH earned. The figure was 4 fold out. So some noisy busy body has been feeding her incorrect info.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 02/01/2023 07:51

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So the mother is harraunged and has the 'long and short' of OP, but still got op to provide post op care, and is still expecting op to provide future care?....
Yet op is the unreasonable one?

caringcarer · 02/01/2023 07:50

It sounds unfair. Your DH salary is irrelevant. He could divorce you tomorrow. I honestly think if you have been telling your Mum how unloved and unvalued this would make you feel and she still went ahead and did it I'd be emotionally cutting myself off from her. I'd cut back physical time spent with her to maybe a couple of hours a month. Let your siblings visit her more. I'd a LL so be making it clear it will be down to your siblings to decide any care she needs and she will be paying for it. I don't say this to be nasty to her but to protect yourself from how you will feel when she eventually passes. My Mum left all my siblings and I exactly the same despite some of us needing the inheritance less than others. It means we siblings are all very close emotionally. I think what your Mum is doing is going to leave you resentful of your brother's.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:48

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:47

I've read it, it doesn't mean two years of rowing every day.

Did you also read the OP cared for her mum after an operation, that they were "so close" and she was her rock? You're twisting the facts to suit your own imagined narrative to be unnecessarily unpleasant.

I agree with paq fully here.

The upset was clearly on the OP's part. 2 years of upset for OP.

I think this person is just looking for drama & not focusing on the actual issue

SharksInTheTea · 02/01/2023 07:47

This is a shitty shitty she is doing and I am
not sure there is any making peace with it.

Personally, I'm not sure I could stand the hurt enough to continue to offer the level of care she seems to expect from you. She may end up having to use some of that million to pay a stranger to do it.

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:47

I've read it, it doesn't mean two years of rowing every day.

Did you also read the OP cared for her mum after an operation, that they were "so close" and she was her rock? You're twisting the facts to suit your own imagined narrative to be unnecessarily unpleasant.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:46

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What OP means by monumental row may differ to what you imagine to be a monumental row,
For me personally, I've only ever had ONE argument with my mum, and that one argument was monumental for me if you want to go off the definition of the word?
It was actually really minor in comparison to arguments others have with their parents, but with the closeness of us, it was huge.

It may have well been monumental for OP because from the sounds of it - she wouldn't have expected to argue over this with her mother.

savvy7 · 02/01/2023 07:46

I'd step back if I were you. Your Mum is being very unfair and risking causing deep divisions with your siblings too.

CatsForLife · 02/01/2023 07:46

I don’t think I could get over this. I think I’d have to go no contact to be honest. Maybe your siblings would cut you in? I’d be very hurt.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 02/01/2023 07:46

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How unbelievably unkind !!!

How about this is a woman standing up against her own mothers misogyny !! I bet Mum didn't 'earn' the money in her estate all through hard graft and the majority comes from property bought by the OPs father.. and the OP already knows her mother only believes money is needed by men ... as they use it to provide for their wives..

If my mother had that view . Too right I would be having monumental rows with her.

It's not about the amount of money.. doesn't matter if it's a hundred or five hundred thousand.. . It's about the fairness . Not to mention the fact that the men sit back and inherit money whilst the OP provides all the care.

Step back OP. Tell her how devalued you feel. Next time hospital beckons tell your siblings you are unavailable.

olympicsrock · 02/01/2023 07:46

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:34

I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older-

you are not very respectful or kind to your mother, are you?

You have misunderstood this. OP used this as shorthand to say that she expects to care for her mother in her old age - what is unkind about that?

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:44

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:43

There's a lot of imagination in this post.

Show quote history

Read the op

2 years of upset
and **monumental rows”

exactly what a woman in her seventies wants about her will. Oh and reminded that her daughter will be “wiping her arse” one day.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:43

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:40

@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on

I wouldn't take on what this person says, OP.
Certain people on here seem to enjoy being on the negative end of every situation they see and like to cause chaos.

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:43

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There's a lot of imagination in this post.

olympicsrock · 02/01/2023 07:43

Wow
I don’t think I could accept this. It would make me want to pull back from the relationship and when asked to do any care in the future direct her to your brothers .
Really sorry to hear that she is doing this. Very sad.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:41

I'm sorry you have had to go through this OP & continue to go through this. I couldn't ever imagine treating my children unequally regardless of age etc.
could there be more to it? Like somebody else pulling the strings or feeding into her decision?

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:41

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:40

@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on

I am sure you were looking for that kind of response.

I pity your mother in her seventies having two years of upset and monumental rows with her daughter over her will. And told that her daughter will be “wiping her arse” in the future. Poor woman

MintJulia · 02/01/2023 07:41

If your husband earns millions, and your siblings have not yet managed to buy their own homes, or similar, I could understand her reasoning.

But otherwise, I think I'd be less willing to do more than my share.

That comment about 'wiping her arse' is horrible. It makes it sound like your sole interest is in your inheritance, which I'm sure it is not. 🙁

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:41

If I was your sibling I would tell your mum to make it even. Anything could happen that changes people's financial circumstances, it's generally not fair for a will to reflect a particular moment in people's lives.

parietal · 02/01/2023 07:41

That is really cruel and short sighted of her.

Can you step back from care etc?

Say explicitly to her that in the will, she clearly values your brothers more so you will be taking some time apart. Especially step back from admin/support roles. Make sure your brothers also know this. Then do it.

She might then realise how valuable you are. And if she doesn't, keep up social visits you enjoy but do NOT take on any admin or care. Leave it to your brothers.

Original poster

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:40

@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on

OP posts:

Starseeking · 02/01/2023 07:39

I'd be pulling back from all the help you're giving, that's awful treatment of DC by your DM.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:39

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:34

I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older-

you are not very respectful or kind to your mother, are you?

Ursuladevine - I don't think OP meant this as an unkind remark, it could be said in a humorous way. I care for my mother and we often joke that the tables have turned, as I am now wiping her bum and repaying her for her wiping my bum. It's also a common joke between a lot of people I know and their parents, my friend always jokes with her mum and says 'I'll be wiping your bum one day be nice to me'. It's funny, I wouldn't look that deep into this part of it all.

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:37

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SheilaFromTheFuture · 02/01/2023 07:36

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:32

@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

Don’t wipe her arse then. She can pay, then your siblings might have something to say.