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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
frenchcheeses · 02/01/2023 08:14

I would take a step back from your mum, I wouldn't be able to get over the unfairness. Perhaps paying for her own future care using the value of her home is going to be the result.

Girlintheframe · 02/01/2023 08:13

I would find this really difficult and think ultimately I would step back.

I agree with you OP is has absolutely to do with the money but everything to do with how much you are valued and respected. It's a case of fairness.

If it was me I think I would step back.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/01/2023 08:11

That is just shocking and understand how you must be feeling. Are your brothers living abroad or close. Let her pay for a carer to look after her as not fair that you should be expected to do it all and she has not shown you the respect at all. My dad left us all some money but not a high figure that is in your mum's will but left one brother out which it is not about the money but about being left out and how it makes that person feel, but some family members can influence the parent's will. Could this have happened in your situation? Your brothers should give you something if they have any heart at all as it is quite a large sum of money. I think you should talk to someone about it, even a few sessions to make peace with it all as this is awful situation and what is the reasoning behind your mum's decision. Horrible thing and she should tell you and does she not realise how this will effect you. So sorry you are going through this. Talk to someone and try to let it go or it will drive you mad but tell her she can organize a carer as too painful for you.

Bard6817 · 02/01/2023 08:11

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:39

Ursuladevine - I don't think OP meant this as an unkind remark, it could be said in a humorous way. I care for my mother and we often joke that the tables have turned, as I am now wiping her bum and repaying her for her wiping my bum. It's also a common joke between a lot of people I know and their parents, my friend always jokes with her mum and says 'I'll be wiping your bum one day be nice to me'. It's funny, I wouldn't look that deep into this part of it all.

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Yup. I’ve said this myself to our kids, as an joke exemplar. They then agreed to the japanese loo that does it automatically. :)

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 02/01/2023 08:10

I couldn't personally make peace with it.

i would tell my brothers that I would not be stepping in to care for my dm when the time came and that it would be up to them to arrange any care or poa when necessary.

I've always had a tricky relationship with my dm because she prefers boys, however her will is split equally.

SheilaFromTheFuture · 02/01/2023 08:09

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 08:03

It wasn’t

but it is what most elderly people are most fearful of

and “wiping your arse” is something that goes hand in hand with dementia

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So the fact that she hasn’t got, nor may never get dementia makes it irrelevant to your comment. You can’t just throw an illness in there because it suits your argument.

JoyPeaceSleep · 02/01/2023 08:07

i agree with the poster who says do not wipe her arse - that will have to be a paid carer. I think I would get together with siblings and draft up an agreement that they share out between the three of you what's left to them. Make it clear to siblings that if they don't get behind you then there will be nothing left because it will all have gone in care fees.

She really is being VERY hurtful. Especially given that you TOLD her that you found this hurtful and she ploughs on with the decision that she knows is hurtful to you. She can't even please crossed wires or ignorance. she is choosing to do something very hurtful.

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 08:03

Don’t worry.
I will bow out.

very much a post that I’d be fascinated to hear the DM’s view on it

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 08:03

Oh Ursula give up!! It's called humour!!!
Or For all you know she might not have even said those exact words to her mother, she could have just written it on here!!

As I've said previously, I care for my mum and we always joke about how I wipe her bum! I also cared for my grandma years ago and she would often laugh and say 'never thought I'd have my granddaughter wiping my ar*e' - it's humour! And it's how some people deal with those kinds of situations!!

Lighten up, I'm glad I'll never be wiping your bum 🤣

SharksInTheTea · 02/01/2023 08:03

Give it a bloody rest

Billybagpuss · 02/01/2023 08:03

How often do you see her and what is she expecting from you in the near future?

yanbu it’s a shitty thing she’s doing.

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 08:03

SheilaFromTheFuture · 02/01/2023 08:01

When did dementia even get mentioned?

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It wasn’t

but it is what most elderly people are most fearful of

and “wiping your arse” is something that goes hand in hand with dementia

harriethoyle · 02/01/2023 08:02

@MissingYellowzigzags I'm so sorry your mum has been so hurtful and unfair. I'm afraid I couldn't get past this and I don't think you should. I would pull right back and let my DM know why.

Ps ignore cuntychops poster. There's always one 🙄

GinoVino · 02/01/2023 08:02

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

Oh shut up.

SheilaFromTheFuture · 02/01/2023 08:01

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

When did dementia even get mentioned?

Hadtochangeforthisone · 02/01/2023 07:59

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

Then you are obviously NOT a cater for an elderly relative you love and have a joke with !!!

I have just done a 72 hour stint looking after my mother with a dislocated hip.. waiting for an ambulance... it's called gallows humour !! As she lie on the bathroom floor where I dropped her trying to get her on the toilet... I said .. come , don't lie there doing nothing how am I going to wipe your arse while you're hanging around on the floor ...
Whilst ACTUALLY wiping her arse .. 'I hope I'm in your will' ... both times it made her laugh despite the horrific pain.

Perhaps you should think how hurtful you are being before you post .

StClare101 · 02/01/2023 07:58

Direct all requests to your brothers in future. I wouldn’t be moving on from it at all.

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:57

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:54

Stop looking into this one part!! You're overthinking and over analysing it so so much.

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Because if the OP admits to saying something so…. Hurtful, you can be pretty certain it’s the tip of the iceberg

upfucked · 02/01/2023 07:55

The pettiness in me would want me to say well if me seeing you as much is why your favouring my brothers then it’s time I see you less.

I think in her 75s is time you sit your Mum down separately and then with your brothers for future planning and make it clear that you can’t and won’t be doing all the care and it will be time to start thinking about getting used to paid for care in the form cleaning and shopping in preparation for the future.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:54

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

Stop looking into this one part!! You're overthinking and over analysing it so so much.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:52

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:51

@MintJulia husband doesn’t earn millions and we all own our own homes.

@yorkshirepudsx this is largely due to DH earnings. She told me a figure the other day that she said someone ‘who shall remain nameless’ had told her was how much DH earned. The figure was 4 fold out. So some noisy busy body has been feeding her incorrect info.

This is so unfair. Your DH could start working in a minimum wage job tomorrow for all they know, earnings shouldn't come into it :(
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I wouldn't be able to find any peace in it. X

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:52

You honestly believe that a loving daughter would tell her mother “it’s me that will be wiping your arse”…. When we are talking about something people fear so much. Dementia, being incapable.

JoyPeaceSleep · 02/01/2023 07:52

wow, she is really using you.

LovingTheAbbreviations · 02/01/2023 07:51

what about saying “I would like to be equal to my brothers in your will” and then providing exactly the same care towards her as they do. No arse wiping for sure! You’re not her servant. Inheritance should be equal, you should be getting more if anything as you sound like you’ve done way more care for her. Good luck.

Tara336 · 02/01/2023 07:51

My DM had an idea similar to this in the past, DB is absolutely useless with money and she thought a great idea was to leave everything to him so he "had some money" because I have a good job, bought my first home at 21 and moved up the property ladder by flipping. DB rents, can't hold a job down and is an alcoholic so she thought it would help him out. For once DF put his foot down and said absolutely not! It was unfair and stupid so we now inherit 50/50 of what ever is left after care home fees which I suspect will be absolutely nothing. I honestly don't jnow where my DM logic came from or your DM either but it seems incredibly unfair! It is obviously her money to do with as she pleases but it does make you feel "less" in her eyes then your brothers

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