How do I make peace with this?

@janeeyreair if you had told me 10 years ago my sibling would be behaving like this, I’d have been shocked. My mother has always been a difficult person (she could start a row in an empty room) and has always been jealous of me (it is not rational) so that hasn’t been a surprise.

Some of the things that have happened to me by them both over the past 3/4 years you couldn’t have made up. It’s like being in the middle of the plot of an outrageously unbelievable ITV drama. My mother is dying, my sibling can only have the money once. She has no friends, no kids and no life. She’ll have no one to look out for her in old age.

I feel sad that the situation has become like this because of their actions, but I don’t feel sorry for either of them. Actions have consequences. They may love the drama, but I don’t need the money in the same way my grasping sibling does so I have chosen to step away. I made sure my DF had a private wake which I paid for without either of them there so we could pay our respects to a kind man. I am at peace that I have done the right thing when the time came. I do not however have to put a bitter elderly woman front and centre of my waking thoughts. My own family deserve my time with their unconditional love and support.

That's grossly unfair. My children all have different means and I am dividing everything equally. If any of my children provide any care for me, I plan to pay them as we go.

I wouldn't be out of pocket at all for any care you give. Your brothers will recoup any losses when they inherit. Let them pay for anything required.

That's very hurtful and so sexist that you get to do all the care and the men get all the inheritance.

In the short term, I would step back. Just stop seeing her for a couple of months if she’s used to being part of your life for 2-3 times a week. Be clear it’s that you are hurt and trying to process the fact that you are valued less than your brothers.

do you have both a girl and boy? If so I’d question if you want her to spend much time with your dcs if she clearly values boys higher than girls, it could be played out with the next generation as well.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My friend has been cut out of the will by his parents (who he was helping so much) and all the money will go to his brother. Their rationale is that his brother has children and my friend doesn't so his brother needs the money for his kids.

My friend has really withdrawn from his parents now. It's so sad.

My in- laws are amazing but at one point they mentioned leaving more in their will to my DH and his sister and less to his brother as his brother doesn't have kids. All of us said to my in-laws that this was awful, terribly unfair and everything should be split equally.

Your mother sounds awful. And so do your siblings if they have said nothing.

I think you need to talk to your brothers about this. Perhaps a simple message saying you are obviously hurt that mum has decided she values them as the boys of the family higher than you and has cut you out of her will. That as far as you can see, the only thing you’ve done to deserve being disinherited is be female but if they know of anything you’ve done wrong, can they please tell you. But to put them on warning, you have decided you will be stepping back from caring for Mum so they will have to be prepared to do the work.

it really isn’t on for you to be expected to run yourself ragged in order to protect your brother’s inheritance.

@Srgcatherinecawood I know this kind of thing happens but it still shocks me that people can be like this.

That must have been a very bitter pill to swallow, not the money so much but just the behaviour of your sibling. were they always behaving in this kind of way?

@MissingYellowzigzags i’m in your situation I’m afraid. Narc mother, golden child sibling. Me and my DH have worked hard, earned more, had kids. Sibling has no kids and has created a whole debt-laden house of cards being with a narc twat with champagne tastes and beer money. Sibling has managed to get poa and has encouraged our mother to change her will. My mother thinks we should have the same amount of money so has allowed my sibling to drain her account so that they can have nice things also. It is disturbing to watch. I cannot understand why at the age of nearly 50 you are still taking handouts from an elderly person. So They now have a new Range Rover whilst my mother turns the heating on less. Once the Will was changed happened they fucked off took a job two hours away living in their holiday home (which they can’t afford either) leaving me with both parents bed-bound doing everything. It was very much my DF’s money and express wish that everything was split 50:50. He would’ve been horrified. I’m afraid after DF passed and the nastiness from my sibling and mother continued (including not giving him a wake which is shameful and other outrageous antics which I won’t post as they are too identifying) I have withdrawn completely and reduced contact from hours every day when DF really needed me to 30mins at most per week for my mother. She doesn’t deserve more and I’d resent spending more time there being unappreciated not to mention the toll on my own MH. My in-laws are lovely people, also need help and my DH and DSIL share the responsibilities equally. I have no doubt that DSIL will inherit all of my IL’s estate as DFIL is quite old fashioned and thinks it’s terrible DSIL has to work whilst having 3 kids because DBIL won’t take promotions at work which would mean she doesn’t have to. My point is, caring for parents isn’t about inheritance it’s about sibling teamwork and fairness in the expectation. I know if DSIL were to inherit it all she would give 50% to DH, whether or not he would accept it is a different matter but his choice. Your DM is being very calculating and relying on your sense of obligation to do her bidding whilst also goading you by telling you about the Will. You are entitled to feel angry at the inequity. For your own sanity, consider what you get from the relationship right now. You don’t have to look after her, it is not the law. Let her spend her precious money on care when the time comes. Ensure your siblings understand what is going on and explain that you won’t be doing any of the life admin, hospital visits etc. Direct doctors, social workers et al to your brothers. Do not step in, once you do you’ll be sucked back in. Lots of advice on the stately homes thread in relationships plus reading material which might help you.

I’m sorry for the long post, but you asked if you can make peace with this. I know exactly how you feel but I very much doubt you can with a personality like your mother. You have explained your hurt, she is wilfully ignoring what you are telling her and the opportunity to make it right. She is entitled to make her own choices and so are you. The consequences for her may have a greater effect than she realises, but again, not your problem.

If you're staying in her life then make it clear there will be no care coming from you. Let her pay for carers and if she needs to go into care let's hope she lives long enough to use up all her assets so there's nothing to leave your siblings.

It's the prodigal daughter dynamic. You are more present and less valued.
I am guessing as you love her and she helps you that you don't want to distance from her.
To make peace with it? Give up struggling with it - it is what it is. If she is prone to wanting to control or shock or test then you are giving her power. Act in accordance with accepting the information as it is. How will you respond when you have accepted it? What does it actually mean? What do you value in your life? What do you want to develop in yourself? Do that. Do you want to care for mum? In these circumstances? If so, then choose to do it. If not then choose not to. Either is OK. Get away from emotional reasoning with mum, stick to facts. 'You have made a decision most right thinking people would disagree with and listened to gossip which is untrue.'

Yeah you need to clear up DHs salary, point out that he could divorce you. Then take a massive step back.

Wills being unfair

Outrageously unfair . Wills be unfair rip families apart . Your DM needs to split her estate equally with all her children not penalise you and your OH for doing well in life .

I agree with this.

I’d never have anything to do with her from now on, incredibly nasty and mean. I assume she realises if your siblings are also going to be happy to accept anything so unequal that you’ll never have anything to do with them again either? Nasty piece of work.

In my family also the males were view more important than the females and one male sibling inherited the family home and we were always told this from a young age that he would which is unfair considering there are a few of us. Very sexist also but what can you do. Definitely from your update someone has been in her ear and influencing her decision on her will. Are you close to your siblings? I would talk to them straight up and ask them to talk to your mum and just see what they say and if nothing changes just let them get on with all the care for your mum and tell them you are deeply hurt and sorry this is happening to you and could that annoying person on here who keeps goading and trolling please stop it as we heard you the first time and now you have added the same thing ten times which is not helping the person asking.

Stop doing anything for her. Become unavailable and direct requests to your other siblings. Then they can have the time and the money can be split equally.

Make sure she knows the truth of what your DH earns.

Let her pay for someone to wipe her arse.

I'd go for therapy @MissingYellowzigzags not because there's anything wrong with you, but so that you can talk it out and be validated.
I went to therapy about 3 years ago because my mum was so hurtful to me. So hurtful and so defensive. When I asked her to stop glossing over decades of projection (various labels such as paranoid) she turned it all around, attacked me, became the victim of me, gave me the silent treatement, smeared me, blamed me, ultimately, rejected me (I've been written out) so even though I didn't believe that there was anything fundamentally wrong with me, I went to therapy. It was very validating which was what I needed. Just to be reassured that to be hurt is the normal logical predictable reaction to hurtful behaviour. I wanted the therapist to make me invincible but she validated my reaction and my hurt. She helped me get a bit of distance from the pain, but like your main question poses, how do you ever find complete acceptance of such an injustice.

My mother is in her 70s too so I cant help thinking it's all very short sighted of them (sibling included). I did love them. I would have helped where I could (without losing my job). At the moment my mum is so completely enabled by my Dad that if she's not speaking to me, he's not speaking to me, ykwim. If she's the victim of me, he gets to be the rescuer. It's all so dysfunctional.

Therapy did help a lot. It's not a magic wand, it doesn't make the issue go away but honestly, if you've been going over there three times a week, treat yourself to one session of local therapy and then if you feel up to it, go over.

Why would she expect you to do any 'caring' at all when her estate is worth £1 million. That alone should tell you what sort of mother she is and what value she places on your life. Unless it's the old beholden because of childcare arrangement where many families come unstuck as parents age.
Step right away.

She needs to use the one million pounds to pay for her own care and you need to step back. It's incredibly sexist that the male siblings inherit & you don't while expected to do the care......... It's time to redress this, if your siblings want to inherit then they need to earn it by doing their mum's care. I would actually move three hours away to ensure that I don't end up doing it.

In a way, it's helpful you've found this out now. She's under no obligation to tell you what's in her will, she could have left this to be sprung on you after her death when you had done years of care. Or she could have shown you a will dividing things equally but then changed it at a later date. Plenty of people leave it to a donkey charity or something to spite relatives.

I'd just ask tell her how you feel about it and decide how much time you're prepared to commit to her in view of the rank unfairness.

Has she been like this all your life? Maybe you'd be happier without inheritance but with the dignity of not chasing the money from someone who treats you like this.

Have you upset her by asking about the will the past few years? If she'd died without a will, I think it would have been divided between you equally? Unless there's a spouse about.

This is awfull OP. It’s simply just not fair and i wouldn’t be able to continue a relationship with the parent doing this.

Agree with Girl in the Frame above take a step back but tell your mum and this will help you make peace with it all. Also talk to your siblings and tell them that they will be organizing the care for your mother when she needs it as you are very hurt. Money changes people and I would ask the siblings outright will they be giving you some money. Very hurtful and seems spiteful thing that your mum is doing.

Another one saying I would find that really hurtful it is basically sexist. I think I too would be keeping contact purely social as long as that was something I was still enjoying. Let you brothers pick up more of the slack or let your mum make alternative arrangements eg for cleaner etc. I certainly would be caring for her if she needed another operation!
What do your brothers think? Would they agree to a deed of variation after your mum dies?

Your mother has behaved spectacularly badly over this. There's no excuse whatsoever for her to be so unfair to you.

I think I would have a conversation with her and make it clear that you've understood her position and that it has made clear your value to her. It is not rude or manipulative to point that out. You can tell her that she is quite wrong about your DH's earnings as well. Then I would suggest she uses some of her money to pay for personal care and assistance in the future as you don't feel you are the appropriate person for that.

I would honestly try to back away from any situation that increases your resentment here. Your feelings are entirely valid and her position is really poorly thought out but you may never change her mind.