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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:14

SS do not give a shiny shit despite evidence which backs it all up.

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:13

Oh and the solicitor is not the one my DF always used..it’s an ‘wills specialist’ introduced by the twat partner.

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:12

@Winterpetal trust me, it’s been reported. My Mother knows she has been duped. She will not admit it to anyone in authority.

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:12

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:08

Hang on
I have POA for my mum
I’ve kept every receipt on anything I’ve ever spent for her
the solicitor made it clear it’s her money to be spent on her ,and when social services take over paying for her care ,they will check where her money has gone .
POA does not give someone the right to spend the persons money on themselves,that is fraud ,and needs reporting to the police

Show quote history

Also ,POA has to be done through a solicitor
usually the solicitor also has POA as well as a relative
find the solicitor and tell them what this relative is doing …
tell social services and the police …they can’t be allowed to get away with it

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:09

@keepcalm11 especially as the wealth was created by my careful DF who never spent a penny on himself to ensure they had enough in old age. It is now being spent on Rolex’s, Range rovers and everything else they think they ‘deserve’. Twat partner has form for suddenly visiting elderly relatives in their final years in order to become the beneficiary. My DP’s estate is the ultimate pay day. My DF would’ve been horrified.

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:08

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:02

@Winterpetal I think most of us agree that inheritance rightly should be spent on excellent care in old age. But now imagine your parent has no control over their money because they’ve given POA to the child who was never going to do the right thing and have ‘borrowed’ £000’s to the point where you cannot afford to choose excellent care and are left with the shitty council care because they and their twat partner don’t want you to use their long term pension plan (your DP’s house and estate) to fund it….

Hang on
I have POA for my mum
I’ve kept every receipt on anything I’ve ever spent for her
the solicitor made it clear it’s her money to be spent on her ,and when social services take over paying for her care ,they will check where her money has gone .
POA does not give someone the right to spend the persons money on themselves,that is fraud ,and needs reporting to the police

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:05

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:02

@Winterpetal I think most of us agree that inheritance rightly should be spent on excellent care in old age. But now imagine your parent has no control over their money because they’ve given POA to the child who was never going to do the right thing and have ‘borrowed’ £000’s to the point where you cannot afford to choose excellent care and are left with the shitty council care because they and their twat partner don’t want you to use their long term pension plan (your DP’s house and estate) to fund it….

Absolutely
I was rushing when I wrote that ,so I added on what I hadn’t finished saying further down
I totally agree it’s shit ..

keepcalm11 · 02/01/2023 12:04

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:02

@Winterpetal I think most of us agree that inheritance rightly should be spent on excellent care in old age. But now imagine your parent has no control over their money because they’ve given POA to the child who was never going to do the right thing and have ‘borrowed’ £000’s to the point where you cannot afford to choose excellent care and are left with the shitty council care because they and their twat partner don’t want you to use their long term pension plan (your DP’s house and estate) to fund it….

I'd be fuming

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:02

@Winterpetal I think most of us agree that inheritance rightly should be spent on excellent care in old age. But now imagine your parent has no control over their money because they’ve given POA to the child who was never going to do the right thing and have ‘borrowed’ £000’s to the point where you cannot afford to choose excellent care and are left with the shitty council care because they and their twat partner don’t want you to use their long term pension plan (your DP’s house and estate) to fund it….

keepcalm11 · 02/01/2023 12:01

Shitty behaviour from the mother . I wouldnt be able to make peace with this and would be withdrawing on principal

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:01

I also wouldn’t be doing all the grunt work for her
I’d be moving on with my life
I’m no one’s doormat ,and I’d be letting the siblings receiving the money do her care from now on .
it’s good she told u in advance,.you know where u stand now

NoInvitesEver · 02/01/2023 11:59

Very hurtful of her. She'll still expect you to provide the care though.
Someone has given her false info about your DH's income (so make sure you correct that) but even so, that should be irrelevant.
I don't think there's a nugget to make peace with this and nor should you have to.
It's her choice to do this, but your choice what you do next and unless you want to feel bitter and put upon, and resentful, I'd be making sure the relationship is social only.

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 02/01/2023 11:58

Seriously op I would back away. She sees you as staff.

catandcoffee · 02/01/2023 11:48

That's the most hurtful thing for a parent to do,unless there were mitigating circumstances.

She's of the mindset your husband will look after you.

HaggisBurger · 02/01/2023 11:46

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

I totally totally get this. My parents both died and my father who was last to go was penniless. But my DM who was good with money was zealous about treating myself and my sib totally equally when it came to gifts and finance.

She never once gave me less because myself and my then DH had high paying jobs etc etc and my sib was single and had less. My sib totally got it. And guess what - 18 years down the line my sib is in a better financial situation than me marginally - they are married and I am single.

No one knows what the future holds - so maybe use that argument.

I don’t think you are greedy or anything at all. It’s the principle. All children should be treated equally in these matters unless one had a significant disability or required life long care etc.

laurwalsh · 02/01/2023 11:44

Paq · 02/01/2023 07:41

If I was your sibling I would tell your mum to make it even. Anything could happen that changes people's financial circumstances, it's generally not fair for a will to reflect a particular moment in people's lives.

This. Your siblings should agree with you that they will in fact share and divide equally to include you.

Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton · 02/01/2023 11:43

Interesting.
Why do you think you should "make peace with it"?

laurwalsh · 02/01/2023 11:40

That's awful OP.

MugginsOverEre · 02/01/2023 11:38

AChristmasCaro · 02/01/2023 10:59

The problem with the “equity not equality “ thing is that it effectively penalises a child for being financially prudent. Don’t worry about working or saving because mum and dad will make it all even anyway.

Agreed. My dad died and he split his money equally between his long time GF, my Dsis and I.

DSis is a saver and hard worker. A career woman working 60+ hours a week. She says herself that she's not maternal and her kids have been raised by childminders and nurseries. Now Dsis has a fortune. She has money I can only dream of but she and her DH don't spend any. The whole family shared a single bath of water when the kids were growing up. They eat Aldi food only. Christmas and birthday gifts for their kids are mainly second hand stuff from car boot sales. And that's their choice! There's nothing wrong with how they do things and they shouldn't be penalised for it.

I have never wanted to live like that. I am very maternal. I gave up work to be a sahm and as such, we never got out of renting. I didn't sacrifice things to be successful like DSis did. I didn't deserve more of dad's money because I'm poorer and neither did DSis for working harder than me.

Equally shared will was fair.

PigeonPerchingOnMyWall · 02/01/2023 11:37

My in-laws are similar, but are actually leaving everything to the wealthiest branch of the family.
The only way we could reconcile it was to take a giant step back from them. DH felt it sent a clear message that he wasn’t relevant, so to accept that he became less a part of their lives and we focus on our own family.
You either have to accept her decision or take steps to make yourself feel better about it. Maybe phone your siblings and tell them directly they are going to have to do more helping with your mum as your life is ‘busier’ now. You don’t have to do anything drastic, but do something that helps you to feel better about it all. I really wouldn’t make yourself available in her old age though. I would leave her to use her money to pay for any care she needs.

Lollypop701 · 02/01/2023 11:33

I would tell her now she need to get paid care in. Stop running around after her, she’s showing you that she doesn’t value it, and it’s not about money it’s about fairness.

Comedycook · 02/01/2023 11:24

Wow, that's appalling. I don't think I could get past that.

boredOf · 02/01/2023 11:22

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's shit. And you know it.
I would step back from her, but if space and definitely stop being helpful. Maybe visit but don't do any extra.

diddl · 02/01/2023 11:21

Why is there an expectation that you will do the care Op?

Because you have always done so so far when necessary?

I'd have no qualms at all about not doing care for someone who can easily afford it.

And obviously thinks fuck all about me!

PlanningTowns · 02/01/2023 11:20

Given your relationship and her reasons for the split, I would be absolutely crystal clear about what happens if and when she needs care.

you need to be clear with your siblings too. I’ve seen a situation where the siblings who live miles away put increased pressure on those local to the parent to take on the care responsibilities as they don’t think they should go into a home (read that as you like but I could only read it that they wanted their inheritance protected from care home fees!). Those living furthest, do least but will expect the same share.

be clear now and make sure you follow through with this. It won’t diminish your love for your parent but don’t be treated as a doormat.