How do I make peace with this?

Oh and to answer your first question - you make peace with it by accepting that your mother has done something that most people would consider to be upsetting and so it’s ok for you to feel upset - you don’t have to ever be ok with it. You make peace with the fact you can’t control your mothers decision to do something that would be obviously upsetting to you, you are under no obligation to become ok with it.

this is why I think you need to cut contact for a time, remove yourself from her life for a while to process what she’s said/done. The fact she doesn’t value your relationship is freeing in a way, you can decide what you want.

I’m ever so sorry to hear that ,and I feel frustrated on your behalf ..but sometimes we do have to move on for our sanity

I would cut contact for a few weeks with your mum, apart from anything else, you need time to get your head straight. she might expect you to argue or try to convince her to change it, but she won’t be expecting silence and you not being around for her. If she asks to meet up just say you need to space to get used to her hurtful decisions.

she doesn’t value your time currently, and seems to view her company as being equal to a share in the house. So step right back until you feel happy again. If that’s weeks/months/never that’s ok.

one thing is you don’t have to have a relationship on her terms. You don’t have to see her several times a week. You don’t have to help her out. You don’t have to be there for her.

@MissingYellowzigzags

How utterly awful for you. I just will never ever ever understand a parent that does this. Don't they realise they leave behind division in a family because it will be very hard not to resent your DB's unless they come good and split it. (even then, it's not the same as it doesn't come from your Mother)

I thought this might happen with us. One of my siblings (sister) was my Mum's absolute favourite ... her DH had left her a few years before and she was forever pleading poverty to my parents. Not true, her exDH was an extremely wealthy man and whilst he tried to hide some of his fortune, she really came out of the divorce well, bought a house I was so envious of from the proceeds, and even managed to get some of his huge pension. Her children were all adults at that point.

I never voiced it but I imagined when they both died within days of each other, she would be given far more because she was 'on her own', all the sob stories pointed to this happening. I did not know how I would handle it if that happened because I had been the one who had spent most time running round after them, but literally everything revolved round my sister.
Thank god, they didn't do this, but left the bulk of it to charity !!! ... the rest was split between us all.

I have no solution OP for you, there isn't one. But I would want to be distancing myself because the hurt would be massive.

I have repeatedly seen the scenario where the child doing the caring is somehow devalued. I wonder if it’s because they witness the person’s diminution and vulnerability on a day to day basis and that is painful, whereas the other child(ren) stay away from it and allow the parent to retain their image as fully functioning adult .

This maybe a bit out there MissingYellowzigzags but if this all hinges on the erroneous information about your husbands salary ... present her with the evidence and prove this is wrong and that the party provided that information is deliberately stirring and fracturing your relationship with your mum..

Photocopy his payslip.. or salary going into the bank account and ask her who she believes now !

Which is not something has any issue with. It really isn't about the money. !

Inheritance is your 'loved one bequeathing their 'value' after death to those people, organisations or charities that they hold dear. It is a mark of the esteem and love in which they hold them.

To give a percentage of this value- be it cash, chattels or property amounting to £100 or £100m in different rates infers a different value placed upon that recipient.

To do this between children with no history to justify it is actually not just wrong but hugely offensive to that child.

OP, do your siblings live abroad?

I can easily understand your upset, OP.

Similar happened to my DH many years ago now but he didn't find out until the will was read following his dm's death.

MIL never worked following her marriage and fil always insisted all 3 DC should receive the same but fil died 20 years prior to mil.

Both DH's siblings had moved hundreds of miles away before fil died so DH had the task of doing everything for both parents and then, once fil died, he visited his mother every day, doing all her shopping, odd jobs etc. until the year before she died when one of DH's siblings decided it would be a good idea for DM to move closer to her. She arranged the move to a retirement complex then only visited her once per week.🙁 However, unbeknown to DH, during that year DM's will was changed and it turned out he was only left a nominal amount when both siblings were left considerably more. DH was devastated but not about the money but the meaning behind the decision and he has had to come to terms with that over the years.😥

Nevertheless, I feel he has been rewarded via Karma as both siblings have had to spend their considerable inheritance to fund huge issues which have arisen in their lives. DH has never touched his nominal amount and it is just sat in a high interest account. He bought himself a very nice watch with the interest but otherwise he refuses to touch it.

Thankfully none of the 3 siblings needed the money at all but DH has been left with the legacy that his DM obviously preferred his siblings to him.😥

But my statement tells them clearly that they are all equally loved and that to me is the most important legacy I can leave behind.

This^ is a very good way of putting it.

This is what I have done too - although I only have 2 children. They share the estate equally, are both executors of the will and both have LPoA.

My parents who died within a month of each other aged 87 and 91 left their estate equally to my sibling and I. It's not necessarily an age thing (although I do think in some ways they were quite modern in their thinking).

OP you have every right to be upset and hurt, angry even. This sounds like a decision based on an old-fashioned idea that it is a man's job to take care of the family and hold the purse strings, ergo your DH uses his own means for you (she doesn't want to give her money to him) and your brothers take care of their families with a subsidy from DM. Does this resonate at all?
She has obviously given the matter a great deal of thought, yet reached this conclusion.

I would be inconsolable in this circumstance. It really isn't about money but value, and you are right to feel very undervalued now, not just by DM but your siblings as well if they didn't come to your side and tell her that this was unfair.

It sounds as though you have made yourself indispensable to her, and set up the expectation of more intimate care in the future. I, too, would distance myself from her for a time, tell her why if she asks and mean it.

I would be very hurt and I would pull away. She has enough money to pay for her own care.
I wouldn’t go into loads of detail explaining why- it seems like you’ve already tried to explain your reasoning and it hasn’t worked. I would just reiterate you aren’t able to see her as you’re too upset by the favouritism of your siblings. Just keep reiterating that line to her no matter what she comes back with. And step back. She’s being unbelievably harsh.
and if she sticks with her will as it is, do not be wiping her arse when she’s older

Nothing useful to add but just wanted to say I'm really sorry and agree with this being unfair. My DM treats my brothers differently to me (only girl) and always has. She doesn't even see it.

Absolutely if you can pull back a bit from all that you do. She doesn't value it, and your mental health needs taking care of.

@Winterpetal for identifying reasons I can’t post too much nor do I want to derail the op’s thread. But suffice to say it has been reported and once you are faced with this situation you realise just how easy it can be to fleece the vulnerable especially if the POA has been deemed to have been ‘correctly executed’. It is immensely frustrating but for my own sanity I have had to walk away. Money gained by deception can never bring luck nor peace.

@MissingYellowzigzags I dont think you can move on from that.
It is a deeply hurtful thing to do. She is also taking you and your support fir granted.

But you can chose what to do next.
Do you want to be the primary carer for your mum? Or is it time to step back and let your siblings shoulder that? After all you’ve done a lot already, even according to her.
Can you actually spend time with her Wo feeling hurt/resentful?

Time for you to do something for YOUR well-being and MH. Rather than automatically assume you have the obligation to do X, Y and Z.

1- I think it’s essential to talk about those things. If the OP mum expects her to care for her, then it’s likely that’s it is what would happen
2- having a will is something all 75yo should have. Talking about it getting a will is essential.
3 regardless of your age, if you leave nothing to one child and the rest to the others ‘because you had more love ?!?’, then you shouldn’t be surprised if that person feels deeply hurt. Regardless of your age. Being 75yo has nothing to do with it.

She can use her money to pay for her own care.
This is shocking op.

OP I can’t understand your mother doing this, it’s so upsetting. Are you giving all the info here to set the context? So she has sat you down and said that your brothers are each going to get £500k, and your children will each get a very small amount, but you her daughter won’t get anything because your husband earns a lot? Is that actually the conversation that was had?

might need more detail to help grasp that, as it feels such a huge / cruel slap in the face?! I don’t know how you are still speaking as it feels just so unjust

it’s not really about the money is it it’s about the unfairness of it - how could she possibly expect you to recover from that and not feel unloved?

Also ,POA has to be done through a solicitor - that is not so. I did mine and my OH's and there was no problem when we had to invoke this for my terminally ill OH.

Op ,I would have one last ditched attempt at talking to her
what if you and her dh split up and he leaves u a single mother
no one knows what the future holds
shes not being fair ,tell her how hurt you are .
maybe she doesn’t understand.

My wills are clear. Divided equally among my 3 children - the fact that one is considerably richer than the others is neither here nor there. They are all decent fair-minded people and kind leads me to believe that if any re-jigging was seen as necessary if one were in particular need they would do so amicably. But my statement tells them clearly that they are all equally loved and that to me is the most important legacy I can leave behind.

It sounds as though the will has been a bone of contention for some time in terms of both encouraging her to make one and also how she plans to divide her estate.

Ironically OP would probably have been better off if mother had failed to make one at all.

It is not just about money - it is about feeling valued and I can understand why OP is unhappy about this. But I cannot see what you can do.

Op, I so sorry you find yourself in this position.

Please don’t be the mug who does it all anyway.

When what should have been your share has been spent of care fees and you aren’t a stressed, burnt out wreck then
hopefully you’ll find some peace.

You know your mum better than any of us.

what do you really think it’s about?

So ,contact the solicitor your father would of used ,get them looking in to it
POA means the same ,no matter which solicitor does the paperwork.
this is fraud ,

It’s nothing to do with your mother now
POA is a legal document
how are the police not taking this seriously
social services can ask for the money back ,as they will have to pay for the relatives care