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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 06/04/2023 09:47

@Billybagpuss not yet. I’m going to wait for the next therapy session.

OP posts:
PuggyMum · 05/04/2023 22:55

Mmmm I agree @AcrossthePond55

I wonder if there's the opportunity in family therapy to 'thank' you mum from telling you about the will in the first place as imagine how devastated you would have felt had she died and then you found out.
You would have questioned the relationship forever.
At least this way the therapist can try to help your mum see the damage this has / could have caused.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2023 16:49

My concern would be that she could change the will back at any time and OP would never know.

If I felt that my mum was only changing the will because she wanted my 'support time' back and not because she realized she'd done me an injustice, it would take a lot of trust on my part to believe she wouldn't switch it back at the least provocation or if she felt I wasn't 'earning' my part of the inheritance. Or if her 'conscience' got the better of her and she had to 'do the right thing' and give it all to my DBs, this time not informing me so there was no fallout.

Billybagpuss · 05/04/2023 11:52

Have you accepted her offer?

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 05/04/2023 11:21

@selfindulgentmoaner . She hasn’t been informed by me about what my DH earns. I’ve just told her that he doesn’t earn close to what she thinks he does.

Sadly, there is no ‘deep down she knows she is wrong’. She categorically thinks she’s right and I don’t think that will change. She only seems to be able to consider the now….she doesnt seem to be able to consider how all of our situations could change. She thinks one BD should get more because his (relatively new) girlfriend earns NMW, and this is unlikely to change (the fact that the girlfriend almost certainly will change doesn’t appear to register in her logic). The time thing also falls into her floored logic- ok so I’ve spent more time with her, but equally going forward I would have spent more time with her helping her maintain her independence. I’m not sure if she considers that a pleasure for me or not, but she doesn’t consider that one cancels the other out.
and yes, we are going to keep going to the family therapy.

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 05/04/2023 10:22

You can ask now it’s all in the open. Once you’ve seen the will- I wouldn’t meet then. Then (perhaps in therapy) you say I’d love to see you Saturday, but only if you want to. If you are thinking of time spent seeing me as worth some monetary value then no, while I will be deeply sad i haven’t any interest in a relationship where the other person thinks they are emotionally paying for every minute spent with me. I don’t work that way.

bigbabycooker · 05/04/2023 10:17

Also, it is a bit strange that your mum's instinct is to believe her "reliable information" rather than you. Does she think that you are likely to lie to her about it? Why would she want to have a relationship with and invest "so much time" with someone who is a selfish liar? Why would not she want to make all the time up to your brothers instead? So much to explore in family therapy!!

Absolutely take the money gracefully, but do be insistent on properly exploring the relationship in therapy.

LadyEloise1 · 05/04/2023 09:00

I don't trust your Mum to keep to her word re the will.
She wants you and your dc back in her life, she misses you and what you do for her.
She's a very strange woman.

selfindulgentmoaner · 05/04/2023 08:43

@MissingYellowzigzags how can she be more reliably informed than by you? That must be so frustrating!

Sorry if you’ve already said up thread, but are you going to family therapy? Might be worth exploring this with her further. She needs to see that she isn’t making decisions based on fact and that someone is manipulating her.

it’s progress that she’s changing the will. Despite what she’s saying, I suspect that deep down she knows she’s wrong. I think your stance has at least made her see that, so don’t back down about her changing the will to put you in it.

Also, I think it’s actually impossible to completely cut out a child from a will. So please take legal advice.

well done for sticking to your guns. Am guessing she’s done a lot of damage to your relationship, but at least you can take comfort from the fact that you haven’t accepted this awful behaviour

beastlyslumber · 05/04/2023 08:08

Why doesn't she believe you though?

It must be so confusing for you. She presents herself in many ways as a loving mum and grandmother and yet her actions are of someone cruel and manipulative. But maybe someone else is manipulating/financially abusing her?

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 04/04/2023 23:00

@selfindulgentmoaner i totally agree. I’ve asked both brothers outright and they’ve denied it. My DM says she has been ‘reliably informed’. DH works in a niche field. There is literally no one I can think of that my mum knows(other than a private investigator- and my mum is far too tight to pay for that) who could even hazard a guess at DHs salary. DM is fairly easily influenced. It could literally be anyone picking a figure out of the air and creating a narrative to suit.

OP posts:
selfindulgentmoaner · 04/04/2023 22:38

@MissingYellowzigzags please don’t refuse to take your share. Keep it for your children if you really don’t want it.

your situation sounds really difficult. Sounds like continued therapy will help you deal with this.

I don’t wish to give you more things to worry about, but where is your mother getting these figures? Does one of your brothers have form for being manipulative? Are either of them jealous of your lifestyle? She seems to have fallen for a particular perspective, which paints you as the rich one.

the fact that she is coming up with a particular figure rather than just assuming you are loaded suggests someone is dripping poison in her ear.

ScreamingBeans · 03/04/2023 23:09

DuchessofSandwich · 02/01/2023 18:42

@ScreamingBeans

*Will your siblings honor her will? A friend of mine has a sibling who is written out of the will. My friend is the executioner of the will. She is planning to still give him half. Pretty life changing amount too.

Extremely dodgy plan by your friend there, she could find herself personally liable for the money she cheats a will beneficiary out of. Seriously, however unfair it is, she should not do that, she should just tell her friend that she's not willing to be the executor of such an unfair will.*

I think you're misunderstanding something here. It's their remaining parents will and she is going to give half of her inheritence to her sibling to make it fair.

Ah yes sorry, you're right, I didn't realise the friend was also the sibling who was going to inherit. In that case it would be her own money and she can do what she wants wiht it.

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 03/04/2023 22:21

@BeeBB one DB is very similar to yours in terms of hidden wealth, which my mum fails to recognise. He has a job that comes with many tax free perks. They include paying a peppercorn rent with no bills for all but 3 years of his adult life, his childrens’ school fees and an early golden plated pension. The school fees alone are worth approx £100k/yr.

OP posts:
MagnificentDelurker · 03/04/2023 22:15

Please continue with therapy. I would accept her words at face value but rebuild the relationship slowly as the hurt cannot be undone with offer of money as it was not about money to begin with. It was about the disregard to your feelings. Now she is trying to buy your affection, although it is the first step in mending the relationship, it will not be enough.

i really hope you can resolve this over months but please be ready to learn some unpleasant truths about your mother.

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 03/04/2023 22:10

@Billybagpuss
I’m not convinced she has acknowledged the upset and unfairness, I think she’s just realising that her actions have lost her her support system and she wants it back, for me that would be the hardest thing to accept, she’s only righting the wrong because she wants her daughter back, not that she believes she did anything wrong in the first place

its 100% this. She absolutely doesn’t see how her decision could be seen as anything other than evening out the family finances & I’m extremely selfish for my behaviour. In her eyes I don’t need it. The end.
The worst part about the whole thing has been her justification- using time spent with me. So now any time I do choose to spend time with her I’ll just be thinking ‘this will go down in the log book to be used at a later date’.

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 03/04/2023 21:22

I hope you explained to the person who said “you’ve won” that a mother splitting. Everything equally between her 3 children wasn’t winning it was just correcting an oversight.

I wonder if she has been on mumsnet and recognised herself and is only doing it because of the advice to move far away and she has earmarked you as being the one to care for her.

I had a very abusive upbringing and I could see right through my mil who I think was a cruel and vacuous woman who only thought of herself.
Dh still thinks she was a person who put others before herself and would help anyone.

But even when challenged he could never name one person she had put herself out for and I could make lists of incidents when she was down right nasty and cruel He still believes she was a selfless woman

Personally I wouldn’t believe that she was going to change her will whatever she puts down.
It will be changed again later

MIL was adamant that Dh and his brother were getting everything equally split. When we had children there was a big show of how the wills had been rewritten to include them. Dh’s parents would talk at length about people who don’t split everything equally between their children and how horrible the fall out is on the children they leave behind.

Didnt stop her leaving everything to BIL.

It only shocked Dh because he truly believed his parents in everything they said

billy1966 · 03/04/2023 17:21

Remember too OP, that your mother is clearly very comfortable lying to suit HER narrative, so any road to Damascus moment she may claim, should be viewed through the prism of her past behaviour.

Is she capable of lying about the will change to get what she wants?

I would suggest this is very likely.

RestingRulers · 03/04/2023 16:55

I think you should accept and ask for proof ( she could change it afterwards in secret but I suspect she wouldn't). Then slowly start seeing her a bit more but without doing anymore than you want.

I'd tell her now, possibly in writing, that you don't want to discuss money and that you don't ever want the fact that you will now inherit from her thrown back in your face. Id also say you don't want it discussed with all and sundry. Your Mum is now splitting her money between her three kids fairly, there is nothing to discuss.

I'm fairly forgiving when people actually do something to make right previous wrongs. Id accept it for what it is.

Good luck.

Billybagpuss · 03/04/2023 16:52

Roselilly36 · 03/04/2023 11:34

@MissingYellowzigzags pleased your mum has at last seen sense and has acknowledged the upset it has caused you not to mention the unfairness.

Rather an odd comment from your “friend”, why would they say that? It’s not about winning/losing it about the unfair treatment that has upset you deeply, surely a friend would understand that?

I know it was not about money at all for you OP, but doing what’s right and fair. As a mum, I never favour one of mine over another, regardless of their family circumstances.

Wishing you all the best with rebuilding your relationship with your mum OP Flowers

I’m not convinced she has acknowledged the upset and unfairness, I think she’s just realising that her actions have lost her her support system and she wants it back, for me that would be the hardest thing to accept, she’s only righting the wrong because she wants her daughter back, not that she believes she did anything wrong in the first place. So OP may well feel like she is being bought.

OP if this is the case as I said earlier don’t let that stop you taking the money, for your family as much as anything else and rebuild any relationship with your mum slowly and on your terms.

deeperthanallroses · 03/04/2023 15:14

I think you should accept! And say could you please show it to me once changed? I miss you too, but I need to know your will doesnt write me out of your life like I didn’t count. Without that knowledge I can’t view our relationship the same way, as I have told you many times, so let’s continue to meet in therapy until you’ve done that.

what do you think the chances she changes it back are?

amonsteronthehill · 03/04/2023 14:33

Take the offer.

But i wouldn't trust her or your brother. They've both shown you who they are and how they value you ... they don't.

Mañanarama · 03/04/2023 14:13

I’d accept the offer, ensure she actually changes the will, and THEN set about trying to patch up the damaged relationship at your own pace. I hope your mum has realised she made a huge mistake by treating you unfairly.

LeilaRose777 · 03/04/2023 13:35

I'm glad things have progressed to the stage where your mother is offering to make her will fairer. I would urge you to make sure that she does what she says - ie, that you will receive a copy of the new will which has been correctly signed and witnessed. It would just be too easy to take her at her word and slip back into the old ways.
It's not about whether you need the money, you need the acknowledgement (of which the money is a symbol) that your mother values you as much as your siblings.
Really good to hear about the therapy sessions - I would make these the only contact for the time being.

bigbabycooker · 03/04/2023 13:31

I'd take the offer. Keep the counselling - you need to understand why she has lied about your husband's salary in order to try to diminish her inheritance.

I would also use the counselling as a means of asking her why she expects less from your brothers in terms of her long term care and general life - it's actually still unfair to expect a lot less of them even if assets are shared equally. Make clear that you are not asking to be paid more, but you are looking not to be treated badly compared to your brothers. Your mum clearly has form for this (and tbh I would question whether you can trust her on the inheritance), so if you want peace in your own mind, I would try to get her to understand that it isn't the money, it is the treatment.