How do I make peace with this?

I'd have to go no contact with my DM if she did that to me.

Never seeing or hearing from me or the GC again and never again having my support with anything, including personal care.

I don’t think you can make peace with this. It’s weird to say it’s not about the money but it’s not . It’s totally unfair and illogical and no one knows what will happen in the future about finances . And you are the one who has been there for her .

you are right it’s about respect and worth .

This is really really awful, I am so sorry for you.

This actually happened to someone in my family - but she didn’t find out until the last remaining parent died. It was for no apparent reason, the only thing we can fathom potentially Is that like youre situation, she was in a slightly better financial situation than siblings.

It’s honestly caused a lot of issues and upset and therapy. It’s just that last final rejection. :(

I really hope you can get it resolved.

You moved to be near her, she expects you to do the bulk of her old age care? As I keep saying to my mum, I thoroughly expect her house will be sold to fund her care, I live 5 hours away so it won’t be me. Possibly your mum will be in the same position, so you won’t need to consider who gets the house but I completely understand your hurt, particularly given you see her so often and she expects you to do her care in future years. Her thinking process is very odd. Giving money to an alcoholic coke user is madness.

I've been in a similar position. My brother is on benefits (diability) with a teenage daughter and unemployed girlfriend. I have a mortgage (4 bed), DH and I work (more than) full time and have 2 small DC. My mum wanted to buy a house for brother (4 bed, in nice area), in brother's name. Mum told me brother needed the help and I don't. At first I kept quiet, but then I broke and asked why am I (and my kids) being punished for 'having my s**t together', working hard and chipping away at a big mortgage and other debts? We had a huge row, but she compromised and bought the house in her name (not brother's) and brother now lives there rent free... 😕

I wouldn't make peace with it, it's really rubbish OP. It's sexist too, and your brother's are equally as shitty, I wouldn't sit back and let my parents do this to one of my siblings.

I would tell her calmly how hurt and upset you are, that it's not about the money, but the favouritism, and make it very clear that you will be providing no care whatsoever - it will have to be paid for by her and arranged by your brother's. I'd also take a step back from her for a while to let everything settle down.

So sorry OP, I can't imagine how rubbish you're feeling 💐

If this was my siblings we’d just agree to split it between us
are you close with them?

It sounds to me as if she has the values (more to the males as of right) of the last century: incredibly old fashioned but incredibly common. This is the same attitude I have encountered in 2 generations of my family.

Unfortunately as in your case the mothers outlived the fathers (who ironically did not have this attitude to the same extent) and “leave more to the boys “ was perpetuated by both grandmother and mother.

I took the view it was their choice but if they valued the boys that much more they couldn’t expect the girls to stick around and agree to be treated that way.

But if POA has been triggered then it’s because she can’t make financial decisions and certainly not see if she’s being “duped”. That is the entire purpose of POA.

So that’s odd

I couldn’t make peace with this @MissingYellowzigzags

I would walk away though, as difficult as that would be, it is about respect for you as an equal and as a pp mentioned the sheer misogyny and unfairness of it, I couldn’t forgive her. She can use your brother’s inheritance to pay for her care.

Did your DM make all of this money herself?

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset.

DM is a shitstirring bitch who has spent 2 years winding you up so she can feed off your pain.

Stop helping her out. With anything. She call call her cokehead son, or the other one, if she wants anything done. Good luck to her with that.

Seriously, I mean it. Stop pandering.
I bet she will Hoover you back in with more noises about her money, if you withdraw from her.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Unless there really are very big disparities in incomes/needs, or there’s any other very good reason, IMO it’s very unfair not to treat all DCs the same. I’d be very upset, too.

There’s always an option for the Op’s siblings to make a Deed of Variation, to make it equal. Dh and his brothers did this for another brother who’d been left out by an aunt who (reasonably enough at the time) disapproved strongly of his spendaholic wife (she really was) and didn’t want her getting her hands on any of her money to waste.

By the time she died, however, that brother was divorced, so the reason no longer applied.

I can see her reasoning and don’t think it’s being done to be unfair to you at all, Her engagement ring has more sentimental value than money and by the sound of it, you don’t need the money as much as your DH earns a lot more. I can also see your reasoning, obviously. The only way to make peace with it is accept she means well and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases.

No dementia in my family, yet, plenty have had to have their arses wiped for them due to ill health, age and/or mobility issues.

My MIL regularly jokes about when she’s older and x, y or z being the one who will be wiping her arse.

Get down off your box

Oh piss off Devine. You are NEVER respectful or kind to other posters.

OP - pay this PP no attention. She delights in making cruel, mocking & usually ignorant remarks.

Will said

I actually don’t even speak to 2 of my siblings, but there’s no way I would allow this beyond my mums death it would be split equally between us no matter what the world sad

Can I ask how it has affected your relationship with your sibling?

This used to be the case a long time ago. My Gran's parents were really well off and when they died her brothers got everything.
She never spoke to her brothers again.

Not sure if you can make peace with it, push it to the back of your mind, although it'll still be there.

Was told some years ago I'd not be getting anything from my parents as my sibling and their adult DC need it more...neither work or ever really have so what they're not taking now will be left to them.

Your mum's being a right cow. Step back, no care at all. No running her to appointments or looking after her. She's got a million quid she can use to pay for someone to do it.

If you do that care, you'll run yourself ragged and your brothers will get all the inheritance when she should be using her considerable wealth to pay for her care instead of expecting you to do it. Not good enough to leave anything to, good enough for you to wipe her bum. Ummmm. No.

I would be absolutely hurt by that OP. I'm in a very similiar situation in that due to DH's high salary as a family I'm much better off than my brother and his wife. This is also due to sacrifices DH and I have made which my brother has not made (in terms of where we live, hours worked, risks taken etc.). I would be very hurt if my parents left everything to my brother. I'm actually planning if the situation arises anytime in the next ten years to give up a large amount of my inheritence to my brother anyway as it will transform his life where as for us it would just be a bit extra for investing. I want it to be my choice though and would be really hurt if my parents just unilaterally decided for me.

This happened to my Mum - but she didn't find out until after my grandmother died. Same weird (possibly to do with their age / upbringing - though not an excuse) reasoning - that my Mum was financially better off than my aunt because her DH had a better career! Mum asked sister to reconsider as you can change a will afterwards with all parties agreement - but no - so they haven't spoken in the decade since grandmother's death.

It's small comfort but at least you know about her will in advance & can decide whether to pull back from the unpaid caring. My mum found out that the will had been changed (from 50/50) soon after grandfather had died and that the aunt had been told of the change but not her! DM would have definitely left the 3am (often unnecessary as she was a drama queen) trips to A&E to my aunt if she'd known about the will before her death.

If your siblings won't agree to a re-allocation & your M won't change her mind, then I think your resentment of her & them is only likely to grow - it's not the actual cash value but the unfairness that justifiably rankles & will continue to do so. Does she realise that she may be ruining your relationships with your siblings in the long-term almost solely because of her actions. No one can be expected to be a saint & deal with that level of unfairness. Do check she doesn't expect you - as the helpful child - to be the executor too.

The only positive we had from it is that we all had long discussions about wills (which might not have happened) & both my & DH parents have clear 50/50 wills. We also have reminders to update their Executors (as DH Mum was too old in her 80's to do a good job at it.) So sorry to hear that this wasn't just my Gran & I do hope she sees sense but am not holding my breath.

You're probably the one that alerted them to it

I have just been through similar. Got left a tiny amount, sibling got everything else - a lot. Very shitty experience and not one I wish on you.

I hate the parent for showing so little respect and value to me. I struggle to not detest the sibling for flashing the cash.

It's a feeling of absolute unfairness and you have my sympathies.

Your mum has the right to do with it what she wants, but she should also recognise the damage she will cause whilst she is alive and after she has gone. I'd talk to your mum straight out about this and then I would also tell your siblings, write them all a letter telling them how you feel and that you cannot get beyond this. If they are decent, they will offer to share, if not, you know where you stand. It is miserable, sorry.