How do I make peace with this?

The amount was invested in a Stocks and Shares ISA which did quite well for him @ridiculoso 82. (It was less than £30,000)

Believe me, compared to what his siblings received it was nominal but he would have felt exactly the same had the total estate been £100.

Bloody appalling. Are they both males?

My grandparents were a bit like this. They were going to leave a massive sum to my brother and cut my sister and I out from inheriting 1mil +. A family member who is going to serve as executor told them if you don't share that out evenly between the three I don't want you to leave me anything. Everything was shared more equitably after that.

Why haven't you brothers stuck up for you?

@MissingYellowzigzags your mother seems to have very old fashioned ( read: sexist) views about inheritance.

Is this the first time this has come to light? Were your brothers ‘preferred’ over you growing up?

I also wonder if there’s a bit of jealousy in the way she views you?

I just can’t see why a reasonable, fair person could come to the conclusions she has- particularly when you’ve made it clear how hurtful it is!

My MIL used to almost blackmail DH and his siblings about how much money they would get when she died - sadly she suffered a catastrophic stroke and spent her last years in a PVS, in a nursing home. There was no money left whatsoever.

I couldn't get too worked up about it. Your mum is only 75, she could live another 20 years yet. God forbid, you could even pre-decease her. You just have to accept that your brothers are the favourites and you're not.

To be able to buy himself a watch with the proceeds from interest!!

@JadeSeahorse

DH has never touched his nominal amount and it is just sat in a high interest account.

that wasn’t a “nominal amount” given how unbelievably low interest rates have been for years until only very recently

I’m sorry OP, that’s really tough.

I’m not sure I could get passed it in your situation.

I’m always shocked by stories like this, and clearly they’re not that uncommon judging by some of the posts here. We’re leaving everything split equally between our three children. I wouldn’t dream of doing anything different, it’s such a bitter legacy for the next generation.

No words, just hope you can have a relationship if you want one. I personally couldn’t. It’s such a hurtful thing to do.

You need to distance yourself - she’s treating you appallingly and it will only get worse. She’s told you loud and clear where you stand. Let your siblings deal with her and get on with your life.

I don’t think my parents will divide it unequally, but my husband and I earn a significant amount of money, have a holiday home, any car we want etc.
so I will intentionally give my sister my share.. or encourage my parents to spend it on themselves.
others could do with it more than me.

if at any time they chose to give it to my sibling, because they know I’ll be ok and have enough I would not be upset.

With inheritance tax at 40% id probably just encourage my parents to Have some YOLO time and travel the world and spend the money they earned.

Does she need care? Charge her for what you do?!

You need to put some distance between you and your dm for a while. You will be left bitter and resentful other wise. I would explain to her why this is hurtful maybe even show her this thread then step away for a short bit, this isn’t about money it’s about how you feel less cared for as her daughter. I would 100 seek some therepy I know that might sound silly but parental issues can dominate your whole life and finally and most importantly never fall into the role of her carer, if she wants one she can clearly afford to pay for one or one of your brothers can step up.

But it will be her, whether she was joking or not, the fact remains that I'll bet it will be her.

It won't be her brothers or SILs doing it.

OP, I'd emigrate to Oz then. 🤷‍♀️

Realistically you accept it and then contest the will after she’s dead.
It then becomes a fight between siblings.
both situations are sh1t & your mum is a fool for putting you in that position.

This does seem like a really odd decision. Could it be because she fears the security of your brothers futures but sees you're in a secure relationship?

I think I would get together with siblings and draft up an agreement that they share out between the three of you what's left to them. Make it clear to siblings that if they don't get behind you then there will be nothing left because it will all have gone in care fees.

Hmm, that wouldn't be mercenary now, would it? Lovely bit of familial blackmail there

@MissingYellowzigzags I think if you have been trying unsuccessfully to make your mother see the unfairness of this for 2 years, you are unlikely to get her to change her mind (or get your brothers to do the decent thing, assuming they are fully aware of her plans). And as you say, the hurt has been done now anyway.

So all you can do now is change how you relate to her. I’d be absolutely heartbroken if this happened to me. As others have said, it’s probably an old-fashioned view of how things should be done. Which doesn’t make it less hurtful.

The only thing I would say in her defence is that I know of a family where the grandparent was terminally ill & the will was written to take account of the fact that the GP had helped their older children a lot with childcare but knew they would not be around to do the same for the younger siblings.

It absolutely wouldn't bother me. When DH's DM died, we all agreed his DB should have the full inheritance because they needed it more. When my aunt died, all the cousins agreed my DSIS should have more because she had been more involved.
Money does not equal love or respect or caring. Maybe realising that will help you make peace with your DM's decision.
And if you feel your financial position is precarious if you were to separate from your DH, then it might be prudent to take steps to rectify that.

You've said how much you love her. Have you told her that? And have you explained that her actions make you feel that the love isn't reciprocated?

Because when it comes down to it, it's not really about the money, is it? It's about the message that you're getting from her.

My GM did this to my mum (an only child). She decided none of us needed the money, fell out with my mum over nothing, and despite my mum providing all her care (even after the falling out) left everything including her house, to a charity that she (GM) didn't even approve of. It was a mighty FU, and my mum was desperately hurt to realise that her mum had never loved her.

I wouldn't be able to make peace with it.

i would tell her so and why I was going low contact since she clearly has favourites and is acting accordingly.

Very strange. The fact that you have spent more time together should lead to reverse decision, that if anything she leaves you a bit more. I hate to point this out but within the next 10 years or so anything could happen in your relationship with your high earning husband.

Ive just gone through this, its not the same degree but my DM left her most valuable by far piece of jewellery to a married in family member who rarely visited or made contact with her. But DM had dementia. Is it possible that your DM is starting down that road? Also that one or both of your siblings have worked on her? What do they think about it?

I think a bit more process is needed before you start trying to come to terms, ie to understand it properly.

That is the feeling I’m getting here

I would step back from caring for her and allow her to spend your brothers' inheritance on care fees

Obviously it's entirely up to an individual what happens to their money when they die, but I cannot understand parents who do this type of thing.

This will be very very easy to prove.

He will be asked to provide proof of expenditure and purpose.

What body did you report to?