How do I make peace with this?

I’ve seen people have their retirement severely restricted by being around for elderly parents. My mum has made it very clear she would never expect us constantly on hand for her and I’m grateful there’s no pressure. In OP’s circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate to move away, no guilt whatsoever. At the very least I’d be going low contact immediately. And it’s not about the amount of money, it’s the unfairness of it.

YANBU, OP.

Could you explain to her that if DH leaves you or does then you will have much, much less?

If she won’t budge then I don’t see what else you could except go NC.

Maybe a fee months of NC will show here how valuable you are. And if doesn’t, let the witch die alone.

@Roussette..
I haven't spoken to them for years, long before I was told of the will. DM/DF doesn't have a good word to say about sibling either but feel obliged. But truth be told they know they're both a bad lot but feed it as they feel sorry for the, which pretty much anyone with any sence knows isn't the way to go.
They really ooze entitlement on a high level.
Sibling is one of life's (self made) victims and so negative, her imitate family is a car crash yet slates everyone else's.
I'm younger, late 50's and had finally had enough, it really does drag you down after years if it.
Wasn't appreciated as I was at their beck and call so still being slated off to anyone who'll listen.

TBH I'm not in the least bit bothered, not something I think about on a day to day and it wasn't a surprise when I was told, parents know in their hearts that it'll probably all be wasted but that's their choice.

I've always been very much in the camp of "Those who expect nothing won't be disappointed", but it's the different handling of the siblings here which would rankle - she'd almost have done better to leave the whole lot to the cats' home

The only way to "make peace" with this is to face the fact she's made her choice.
However you also have choices, OP, and if it was me one of them would be to tell her straight that she can forget any "expectations" around care

Would I be upset? Yes

Would I abandon my mother who the OP says she loves very much, in old age with no other family in the county? Heck no

Uproot her children, school, work, friends, home…. Simply to not be available to your mother?

@MissingYellowzigzags I really think, like everybody else says, you need to cut down contact. If you are seeing her 2-3 times a week, you could easily cut it down noticeably now. I also think you need to have a mantra when she phones to ask you to do something. Something like "since you value my brothers more than me, I think you need to ask them". Or "since you value my brothers more than me, I'm afraid I won't be coming to visit, ask them". Or, "since you value my family more than those of my brothers, my family won't be coming to ..." birthday/Xmas, what have you. And you need to start doing it now. There needs to be consequences to her actions - not hypothetical ones in the future when she may or may not need care. She needs to see that you are hurt now and she won't unless you pull back, and you need to exert the only control you have got to keep some self respect - but with seeing her 2-3 times a week there is a lot of scope to do that. If the only reason you moved close to her was to help her, then maybe you need to think about whether to relocate. As in, if she went under a bus tomorrow, would you and the family move or stay put? If the answer is move, then I think you need to start thinking about doing it now anyway, as though she weren't there. She won't be there forever, in any event, and it might be better psychologically for you to start to distance yourself, and a move might help. Otherwise it will continue to eat you up for so long as you are close to her. The more you see her, the more it will eat you - the best way of getting peace with it is to do other things focussed on the people who are or are likely to stand by you - your DH and your DC and have less an less interaction with her. There is really no other way, painful though it is. You need to protect yourself. And if she objects you just need to keep telling her this is a consequence of what you have done with a simple response.

She's made her choice, but you don't have to continue to support her now you know she sees you as the lesser child.

I would t be happy with this. I know my parents will split between my brother and I 50:50 - they would not have it any other way.

However, I suspect that my MIL will leave hers to his 2 sisters and he will get nothing - because this is how it is constantly with her. We get “you earn so much” (we don’t, we probably do in comparison to the sisters though). But one sister chooses to work very part time and has about 1.5 days a week to herself (her kids are in school) - so I don’t think it’s fair that DH would be excluded on that basis as one sister could easily earn more but chooses to have time to herself (MiL always takes them and those grandkids out and pays, pays for their school uniforms etc plus they get holidays paid for - we get nothing and in fact are expected to pay for MiL!)

I don’t think I could come to terms if this was my parents

I’m sorry. I have no practical advice but that’s awful.

I’d move. Seriously, I’d move far away so that I wasn’t the poor sod left doing all the running in her old age. I couldn’t get past how unfair and hurtful this is and would make it very clear there’d be much less contact and help going forward, see how your brothers step up. Love her or not, this is just nasty.

You seem to have a sore spot over this dear, try not to put your own situation into someone else’s. OP hasn’t done anything wrong at all.

This ^. I would give yourself a time-out from her. It's not about the money, it's about the fact she is demonstrating with her will that you are undeserving compared to your brothers. She knows how unfair she's being but is doing it anyway. I could never forgive that.

And fuck caring for her in her old age. She can use her money to pay for carers.

If you’re having to show your mother your husband payslips to “prove” to her that you don’t have the income she’s been informed you have…. Then the relationship is dead in the water OP!

No way I would leave my mother to struggle in the event of illness / infirm due to old age. I would sort the best possible care for her, using her money. I would also continue to support the wonderful and very regular relationship between my children and her.

She would be invited for christmases and birthday celebrations as normal.

And so on

but in terms of sharing a loving and close relationship with her… no

but would I leave her to fend for herself in this country in old age because I wasn’t receiving an equal share of her inheritance? Absolutely no

You absolutely don't Give to Receive, but to even only leave you one keepsake says a lot.

She'd be looking for someone else to to the arse-wiping if I were you.
She doesn't deserve it.

Is it only because of your DH or because your siblings are male?

@Winterpetal
Well said

Show her your husbands pay slips to prove his earnings so at least she has the correct information.

Then make it clear she can pay for care. You can still spend time with her, but give the same amount of care as your brothers give her and stay strong.

There is no way someone who values my time that little would be getting my time spent on them.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

I would actively withdraw from all the help you provide and pointedly steer her towards your siblings when she asks for help.

TBH I would also cut off the siblings who are letting this happen.

If I were in your shoes, I would make my feelings clear (as you have done) about why this feels unfair and what this says to me about how she values me compared to my siblings. If she couldn’t see my side and change her position, I would scale back or stop engaging with her, particularly if there is a pattern of my being treated differently/lesser than my siblings (and, based on what she’s done, I rather suspect there is). Of course her money is to do with as she wishes, but if she placed so little regard on my feelings then I can’t see any time we spend together is likely to be enjoyable or change my resentment at being treated like a second-class child.

You have tried to explain your perspective, thinking maybe she didn’t understand the situation or what this would feel like for you. It hasn’t changed her mind or won her favour. Continuing to try and to engage isn’t going to work, it will just make you feel worse about yourself and more resentful. So I would just step back from it. That’s just me, it’s not for everyone. I value respecting my own feelings and acting in a way that brings me happiness above any obligations and duty set by others who are willing to take of me but treat my efforts as expected and my needs and wishes as as afterthought.

I’m sorry this has happened. It’s dreadful, unfair and very hurtful. Just remember you can’t change her or what she does, you can only control your actions and feelings. Now you know where she stands make sure you do things that promote your happiness and wellbeing, even if those things don’t align with her expectations.

How bloody awful of her.
I did the most for my mother by far. My siblings did not even visit her for 20 years. I kept in contact and helped as much as I could.
her will is that all assets be split equally between her children. I am in total agreement with that. (Not that I have a say anyway!) but I agree that it should be equal.
I don’t know what you can do op because it’s not like you haven’t explained your feelings on this issue. Your mother is doing the absolutely wrong thing. And can she think about how divisive that is between her children too? That her actions guarantee her own children will know they have been treated unfairly and will probably not get on because of that.

Out of curiosity who are the executors of the will?

I'm afraid the PP who said your mum has enjoyed putting you through it for the last two years over this is correct. I don't think you can get passed this OP because it actually isn't about the money - it's about the fact that she doesn't value you at all, your efforts for her, your time or the fact that you've moved your life to be closer to her. She also doesn't value your DC. But she values two hands-off sons, one of whom is a cokehead who's had a strong talking to (woe betide your mother when she realises coke addicts don't adhere to strong talking tos) and another who is, by your account, uninvolved.

I would pull back entirely and stop doing anything for her. Not because she's not leaving money to you - but because she's taking you for granted enough to completely and deliberately discount you. "You have me darling, what do you want a share of 1M for?" and the inverse of that is "you've done fuck all for me so here's half a mill to blow up your nose or out your arse now i'm dead and gone." Make it make sense.

I would be devastated

It's not the money, it's the fact it's not equal and says quite clearly that you are less valued than your siblings.

I would not be doing any care now or in the future. Social visits only and only when convenient to me. DM can organise and pay for cleaners, housekeepers, care, etc. Hard as it is you have to withdraw or you will be eaten up with resentment.

Not the same but this is my story....My mother came into some money around 10 years ago.At the time I was told that she was going to buy my sibling a home and give me the equivalent sum as at the time I already had a property (with mortgage). The home was bought and it needed some work which she paid for too. I guess that she overspent so nothing promised to me came my way. The relationship got strained as I thought that all this was unfair and in her eyes I was not as deserving as my brother..When asked she could just waffle some crap (that didn't make any sense)to justify her decision. I tried to raise above it but in the end I couldn't ,as a result we haven't seen each other for years . Unfortunately the hurt caused and the unfairness will never go away. My sibling not only has been mortgage free for 10 years but didn't have to sacrifice anything to raise a deposit to get on the property ladder either. I told him that when the time comes that she needs help , care etc. I won't be available . That will be his bill to pay for the free property . Your mother has been very unfair here,the hurt caused by her decision will split the family.Resentment will never go away.

This is so so true……..brilliant post