How do I make peace with this?

I’m sorry but I couldn’t reconcile that. Fine if no one gets nothing. Fine if equally split. But nothing in between. I expect nothing and I fully expect it to be split between my siblings but I am pretty much NC.

That is sexist and unfair. It is nothing to do with your jobs or indeed if one of you wins the lottery.

mine is divide 50/50 between them both.

she can pay for a carer - and if you want you can spent time with her but not as her taxi, carer or shopper.

Sorry to be rude, but fuck that. Unfair enough that she is leaving everything to her sons and nothing to you, but for her to then expect you to do the crap bits on top of that is adding insult to injury! She's got plenty of money, she can hire carers when she gets to the point she needs them. Don't step up. Her behaviour already shows it won't be appreciated.

It's her money and she can do with it what she likes.

Why do you feel so entitled to it?

What grounds????

I’m wondering if….

the DM, who has a very very close relationship with the OP’s children, is giving the OP’s children a sizeable share of the will.

but the brothers don’t have children or less?

and her logic is that she’s giving the same overall when you include the OP’s children?

The only good thing about this is that you know her plans. I know two families where one sibling was disinherited and knew nothing until the will was read. One situation was similar to yours and one where one sibling had a lower income because of a disability. I think it’s an incredibly cruel way to behave and ruins relationships between siblings.

Willywackers - people who manipulate family with promises about inheritance- are the lowest of the low. Especially these days when most oldsters are way richer than their DC and DGC.

If it’s fair to deem a child lesser in the will, surely it’s fair to see that no one would want that oh-so useless child providing unpaid care.

OP, DM is a bad mother. I’m so sorry. Work on letting it go and reducing contact. Don’t get sucked back in.

You'll have very good grounds to contest the will . It's seems very unfair, so you will definitely have really good case in court .

Would I abandon my mother who the OP says she loves very much, in old age with no other family in the county? Heck no

Neither would I, but there's a difference here between seeing that DM is cared for and being the one actuallly doing that care

In the circumstances the first is something I'd want to ensure - the second unthinkable

How many children do you have?
how many do your brothers have?
are your children getting any share?

I would be clear with her how much your dh earns. I would also be clear that you are very hurt she feels you are not equally worthy as your brothers. That you are finding it hard to be with her knowing that.
I would be clear to your mother and brothers that you will not be carrying out any care and she will need to get carers or move to residential care when that time comes.
That may well consume most of the value of her estate anyway.

The OP has every right to be upset. I would be too! The rows were because the OP knew what her mother was planning, no wonder there were rows it’s so unfair.

OP would your siblings give you a fair portion of their shares - that’s what I would do in their situation.

Yes the op thinks this but DM hasn’t said!

I would be absolutely gutted too and fucking fuming - what a kick in the tits 🥺
Think I’d have to step away for a good while to get my head around it and “take stock”
I’d really struggle to give the same level of commitment you’ve been giving to your relationship with your Mum

Yes, it sounds a bit off. Can I ask how much roughly to how many grandkids? Basically how much are your 2 siblings sharing? If it still leaves a lot then yes I get it, of course. Just wondering whether in her mind the amounts each sibling will get could somehow not be very much?

I would also feel excluded and hurt. She has a hang up about your DHs income or how you spend it perhaps…? very weird. Unfortunately money makes people do very strange things.

Moving on, just putting one foot in front of the other may be all you can do.

My reaction would be to withdraw with dignity. Im not sure what else you can do really.

I'm another one who thinks you don't get past being told how worthless you are to your own parents, and you take a step back.
The gossip about your husband earnings is a red herring. Your DM chose to listen to that and not to check with you.

@MissingYellowzigzags Did you not correct your mum re: DH’s Salary? If not then I’m staggered as to why as that has solely influenced her decision and it’s incorrect!!!!

I couldn’t continue a relationship with my mother if she did this. It’s either fair to everyone or it isn’t. I would cut contact completely and be very clear why. As she values your brothers more, then they can be the ones she spends her days with. It’s pretty simple. Why are you allowing this to happen?

I haven’t rtft but didn’t want to read and dash.

I know children are entitled to part of the estate and can contest it (my step-father had to do this when his step-mum was left everything) so there must be a way to do so legally.

If your mum knew you would contest it, and cause a massive family drama for her boys, on top of a firm ‘you will also be expecting her to pay for her own care’ (eg; you will not be wiping her arse, so to further benefit siblings share) therefore the inheritance will erode quite quickly too - might make her see she’s only storing up problems for the future?

I'm afraid I'm with those who think you need to step back. This is incredibly hurtful and to then expect you to be fine with it and potentially look after her later is outrageous. I think it might be better to have one conversation to explain your point of view and how you feel (I know you’ve already told her) rather than repeatedly saying "Well it's your fault because..." as that will just open up your feelings again and prevent you moving on.

Just as it should be OP’s choice to divorce her evil witch mother.

Did you conveniently miss this post?

i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

But absolutely no where does the OP say her DM has said she expects the OP to care for her in old age nor that she wouldn’t be prepared to use her savings for care!

FFS, its her money, here choice