How do I make peace with this?

What an awful thing to do - I don't blame you for feeling resentful and used. My advice would be to have a family meeting, you plus siblings plus mum, on skype or similar. Put it all out in the open, tell your brothers why you think it's unfair and ask them what they think. If it emerges that no changes will be made, then it might be best to simply call it a day with your mother. Her will, whether she means it or not, is a pretty clear statement of what she thinks of your worth.
There's no getting away from that.
Or, alternately, tell her that you're going to have to start charging her for time and attention, because you value yourself and are not longer able/willing to work for nothing.

Hopefully she will. And DM will moan to everyone about her ungrateful daughter but fuck her.

Unless the law is different in the UK, he will get a massive tax bill on her death for the free rent.

Why does her DM feel so entitled OP’s time and care? Including future arse wiping?

OP can decline her time and care and arse-wiping.

I don’t blame you in the slightest. It’s less the money and more the implied value statement.
I would tell her that you have obviously misunderstood the relationship as you value it more than she does, and that for your psychological wellness will need some space to work it all out. Then I would step back big time. When she needs something and for the usual visits/shopping trip, tell her you will operate on a rota with your brothers and they can make backup arrangements when not available. I would retreat as well as you can and make it clear that you can be some work horse always available in the background to pick up the pieces.
The alternative is that this situation lasts while you’ve done the caring. The resentment will be immense at this point.

I've seen this so many times and its so incredibly unfair and often splits up a family. In a farm/land situation it can be difficult to split between kids but with just money and property it should always be split evenly between the children regardless of their incomes.
I would find it difficult to get past this not only with my DM but with siblings also. you need to step back from your relationship with her and write down how you feel for her and siblings.

@MissingYellowzigzags

TBH, I couldn't get past this. I just couldn't. It's not about who has what income, it's about being valued as much as my siblings. If there was a special needs sibling or one who didn't own a home, I could see being a bit 'unequal' to help them out. But when all siblings are pretty much in the same financial situation, no.

You can't change her. But I'll tell you this, my 'help' would not be forthcoming or would be extremely limited. Let her spend some of my siblings' inheritance money paying for all the help she's expecting from me. Let her pay for a cleaner, taxis, carers, shopping deliveries etc. And if she called me for help, I'd tell her to call my siblings.

The last and only time was just before Covid hit, to inform him of our sister's death, and give funeral details.
He was abroad at the time and unable to attend.

I would ask the siblings to pay for private care and wouldn’t get involved. Or she can release the money now herself and hire a private nurse.

This is very painful.

I hope you’re NC with him now?

I do sympathise with your hurt, OP, because this happened to me and my sister, with our very well off childless brother inheriting everything from DM.
We didn't know about the will but he did.
I think it was a bargain struck, because he was he was the sibling that lived locally, and saw her most. She didn’t need care, being very independent, but he did do occasional repairs and have her at Xmas, etc.

However, my DM had a beautiful ring that was special to both of us, that she wore daily, and always said that she would leave it to me in her will. Didn't happen.
I asked my brother about it as a keepsake but he said that they'd had it valued and it was worth a lot (over £3000 at today's prices) so, in so many words, said I wasn't getting it and managed to make me feel like a grasping person for mentioning it.
My sister and I made peace with it in the end. And we had each other.

Your mother has behaved appallingly. Yes, it is her money to give where she wants (and will should not be contested) but for her to show such blatant financial favouritsm is awful.

It does show that she takes your relationship completely for granted. I think taking a bit of a break from each other, as PP have said, might be a useful rebalancing exercise.

In this instance, I would still be around to support old age but very little of it would be hands-on care. There is plenty of money in her estate for her to lavish on paid care through equity release etc. I would also feel much less obligation, generally, to put her needs ahead of mine in future.

I will never understand how people can be so unfair in their will. Something similar (but very different in terms of the amount) happened to my DM. It wasn’t her mother, it was an aunt who died childless and left everything to my uncles. Not a penny for my mother despite being the only one of the siblings to be in touch with her, to call her weekly, to invite her for Christmas. The logic is apparently that people of that age weigh up that a man has to provide for his family so needs the money more than a female relative who is being provided for. Dreadful logic but there it is.

I feel very sorry for you OP. Other than talk openly with your brothers, what more can you do? I would certainly tell them they can pay for your mother’s care as you won’t be doing it now she has shown how little she values you.

Comments like this are infuriating.

No one is talking about entitlement, and everyone understands that people can dispose of their own money however they like. But you can’t possibly think the OPs mother has acted fairly, wisely or lovingly because she hasn’t.

Step back from your dm op. I wouldn't have done the running around for her before Xmas either, let her rely on friends or your other siblings, let them fail her if needed. Sometimes it takes the stark realisation of actions to remind people who are there for them. Sounds like you've always been there and she's taking you for granted. It's not about the money, but about being appreciated, and you're not. You need to let her realise this on her own terms, if that means you walk away, then you do that, but only come back when she fully realises this. You also need to come to peace with the fact she's using you.

She has been very clear that the house (the bulk of her assets) is split between DBs. I get nothing. I was there when she was having it valued and those were the words she used to the estate agent

Just when I thought this thread couldn't get any more shocking, this. The decision to disinherit you wasn't enough for your mother, she had to rub your face in it with a complete stranger? This has gone from being horribly unfair and hurtful to downright bloody cruel and wicked in my opinion. I don't know how you make peace with this OP, but I would definitely be distancing myself for a while to think things through. I wish you all the best.

You have my sympathy. Similarish situation here. Its kind of like a primogeniture
feudal misogynistic thing. I don't know how you come to terms with it, sadly I haven't. Discussions have done no good, as Feckless Prodigal Child (and mooching partner) needs it more. Apparently.

I am so sorry your Mum isn’t treating you all equally.
TBH if this happened to my sibling I would be be sharing mine equally with them.
My Mum wanted to leave my daughter more money than her cousins because my daughters Dad isn’t around, I told her although that was very kind it would cause hurt feelings and I rather she didn’t, they are all getting an equal share now.
My point is IMO your Mum is not the only one with the opportunity to make this fair and your siblings should be stepping up to the plate for you.
YANBU x

She doesn’t respect you or see you as her child
She see’s you as the help not a family member and you don’t divide your will to equally include those who you regard as “the help”

In which case she needs to hire someone else to do the running around after her.

If spending less time with her means you might get more then ignore her completely.

Personally I would tell her to stick her ring where the sun don’t shine.

Irrespective of wealth all children should be treated equally.
If a much wealthier sibling decides to help out a less well off one after you are gone then that is up to them.

That’s so unrealistic. If my mum left my siblings an amount and me nothing I’d be shocked and upset, even if it was only £500 each. I couldn’t imagine doing that to my children unless one of them was mega rich and we’d all spoken and agreed on it.

How divisive of her. Never understand why people do this. It inevitably leads to the DC developing a rift that can't be repaired. Who'd want their DC to all go their separate ways. I don't think I could come to terms with that. One of your dB is behind it, I'd guess. Some people will do anything for money. But what a fool she is to throw away the support of her DD.

This OP.
And I'm so sorry for how your mum is being.

I think I would give it one last go with your DM - but not verbally.

I would write her a letter. Set it out succinctly - maybe bullet point the reasons why it's unfair. Explain that DH's salary is not what she thinks. Also point out that if your DH were to die suddenly or you were to split, you'd be in a bad position financially.

I would say that you spend time with her and are happy to care for her during illness because you love her, not in anticipation of what you might receive. But to know that you are not valued equally to your brothers - especially when you do so much more than them - is wounding and deeply hurtful. To know that she wants to make sure they are OK after she has gone, but doesn't show you the same concern is something that's caused you real distress.

Maybe put proof of your DH's salary in with the letter.

A letter she can read, and re-read. That's why it needs to be clear and not waffly, show how hurtful her behaviour is without being blackmail.

Ultimately it's her decision, but I do think whatever happens now you're going to feel upset. Having to chide your mother into treating you equally is an awful position to be in.

Your mother is being incredibly cruel. I don't know how you can get past this with your relationship intact - I don't really think you can. I would let her know that you are terribly hurt and that you need some time to think about your options. You do have options here. You can choose to go no or low contact with your mum. You can choose to stay in touch in a minimal way, but make clear you don't do any caring. You can move away and try to forget she exists. You can have more of a relationship but get her to formalise and pay for a caring arrangement, sheltered housing, a nurse, whatever she needs, so you do not have to fall into that role.

What you can't do is carry on as normal, as if she hasn't delivered this huge and fatal blow to your relationship. You will resent her forever if you simply accept that you are to be her unpaid and unloved carer. So take some time to be away from your mum and the whole situation, and decide how you'd like to proceed.

Why does her DM feel so entitled OP’s time and care? Including future arse wiping?