How do I make peace with this?

^excuse the typos but you get the gist.

She isn't listening to you and won't listen to you. she has made her mind up. It's cruel. I'd be telling her that she's decided that she needs to focus on certian family members (your two DBs) and you now need to focus on your family and step back from her. Let her make thr next bit of contact. And tell her that she would be best to start thinking about putting carers or a care home I place for when she becomes infirm.bexauae you won't be doing it. She's made clear what she thinks of you.

You asked how you make peace with all of this. Difficult to see past the hurt but ask yourself, if your relationship with your mother would have been any different if she were penniless? Then carry on as you are or not.
I do think that she is not aware of all the financial information that she needed to make the decision she did in the way she did. Most people do not let even close relatives know their financial position, so unless it is very obvious it is not usually taken into account for estate disposal. You can choose to disclose your finances, you can also tell her that her decision has hurt you acknowledging that of course it was her decision to make.
I wonder who has been dripping false info in her ear?

I would feel really hurt by that decision, if your mother is basing this on 'amount of time spent with' then surely there's more reason for you to be equally included in her will, if not more than your two siblings! But like you said you now feel under valued and I'm sorry but what a shitty decision on her part.

Ironically its your mother that has revolved her choices around money instead of the value of her relationships with her children.

I think its because you are female and she thinks your DH will ‘take care of you’. I would distance myself from her, it’s very hurtful. I can be pretty black and white about things and would not be the sole emergency contact or whatever. Let your two brothers who are worthy of the inheritance step up.

I don't think you can make peace with it.

It's not the money, it's the feeling of having been judged to be less valued and less worthy than siblings.

The relationship and closeness you thought you had is gone - your mother has made it clear that you are not valued as your siblings are.

I would not be providing any care- that will need to be paid. I would be explaining that you have to prioritise your family and maximise your own earnings going forward, and if your siblings want to protect their own inheritances they can step up and do the caring .

I know of a similar case in my extended family. I know them all and have witnessed the family dynamics. My conclusion is that some women do not like or respect their daughters, they only love their sons. At the same time they do not expect the men to look after them, they expect their daughters to do so. Some women are that vile to their own.

I would be so upset too. It is actually one of the worse inheritance threads i have read, the OPs brothers do sweet FA for their mother and they get the 'reward' and the OP who has been a loving and caring and dutiful daughter gets nothing.
I would 100% be doing no more than the brothers now, and when she asks for help i would say pay for it.

Yes, when the family member isn’t a narcissistic witch or a deluded fool.

So so sorry you're going through this, @MissingYellowzigzags . It is unbelievably shitty.

I don't think there is any making peace with this as your mother is being grossly unfair and unreasonable, putting your brothers over and above you, which is huge and unforgivable.

The relationship you had with her has gone. Every visit from now on, will be clouded with hurt and resentment at the knowledge that she does not view you as equal to your siblings, and will do you no good at all.

The only thing you can do is step right back. Stop visiting. Stop doing anything for her. Use the time you would have spent with her to get some therapy.Let your brothers sort all her admin out and take her to hospital appointments and whatever else she needs.

If she rings you, tell her you are too hurt and upset to see her at the moment, and that you're still coming to terms with the realisation that she's not the mother you thought she was.

i would prefer the company of a close family member rather than their money. Wouldn’t most people?

Quite simple, I would tell her she can spend the million on carers instead. She can enjoy your company but you are unable and unwilling to do unappreciated care.

"When a beloved parent dies, what is being parcelled out may look like goods and chattels, but it feels a lot like love.” Daisy Godwin a Tv producer and writer wrote this about her mother Jocasta Innes when she didn't leave Daisy any money in her will as she reckoned her siblings needed it more.

I think it brings up all sorts of childhood hurts and jealousies and feels very unfair.

Without knowing the ins and outs of your circumstances I think it’s fair enough. She knows you’re looked after and just wants the same for your siblings.

If yours and DHs combined income is substantially higher I think it’s ok to be honest.

Your Mother really rates the value of her company if she thinks that spending time with her is worth one third of her estate.

Oh yes, I forgot that gem. She really is a narcissistic witch.

Your Mother really rates the value of her company if she thinks that spending time with her is worth one third of her estate.

In answer to your question I doubt thet you will ever make peace with her decision, even if she was to see the light and make things fairer. The damage has been done.

Its not about the money, and even if your brothers wanted to make things financially fair it would not lessen the feelings that your Mother loves you less.

It’s so hard for you. You clearly love your Mother, chose to move closer to her, and you and your children see her regularly. All of your future interaction will be marred by you feeling that she thinks less of you, and that is so sad.

I can’t think why she caused this inevitable upset, which ultimately will not affect her when she has passed, with so little logical basis. She must have some idea of how this will affect your future relationship, and not just for physical care.

Wow.! This is bad
i would stop all care immediately, let her two golden stars take care of her, what she is doing is nasty and sexist.
you are her daughter, I would tell her you want a fair share or nothing. Engagement ring be damned,
how awful for her to treat u this way

I would tell her exactly how you feel and if she remains incalcitrant then I would go NC.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. She is showing she doesn’t care about you as much as your siblings, but expects you to do the majority of the work. Fuck that.

OP,

You can't pretend you don't know and you can't pretend you don't have a choice in this.

Your mother has choices and so do you.

You have agency here but if you choose to accept this and carry on, you have no one to blame but yourself.

I am late 50's and have come across this over the years.

You will never get over this, if you accept it, and it will sour to nothing your relationship with your mother and your life if you try to suck it up.

It will be a blight on your life and when it comes to elder care you will likely become ill in yourself with the annoyance and anger.

Offering it up and thinking it will be ok will be the most foolish thing you can do.

I would suggest you focus on your children and family and perhaps look at the practicalities of moving for his job.

Let that be the reason for the move, the job that provides for you all.

You have to protect your children and your family life and this type of treatment eats away at people.

My friend had a golden brother who got everything and even wanted paying for a site of land that she had always been assured she would get.

She upped and bought a house 35 minutes from her parents and raised her children in the city.

Her brother never had children and despite offers of free sites after she bought her home etc., she never backed down.

She has never regretted her choice and her parents now pay for care as she is completely uninvolved.

She sees her parents ever month as with FT work, sporty children etc., life is very busy.

Another friend was very hurt but sucked it up and moved on, or so she thought.

Her mother broke her hip in her 70's and she decided actually No, she wouldn't be coming to stay with her, she could pay for residential respite care for 6 weeks.

There was drama but her husband said he was happy to be the fall guy as he did not agree with her reducing her hours to mind her mother who was also leaving everything to her comfortably off bachelor brother.

It was the best thing she did for herself.

She still sees her mother but ALL care is paid for by her, including all maintenance of house and garden.
Ten years on, that friend has moved on from it in a very healthy way.

She feels no obligation to her mothers care needs.
She doesn't have to worry about holidays, and can focus on her family.

Her relationship with her brother hasn't survived as he pushed back hard when the hospital wanted to release her to her daughter.

He absolutely believed it was her duty to take her in.
If she had, she probably would be still there now.
She is hugely thankful she didn't as her mother is demanding and cranky.
On balance she is happy to forgo her inheritance as she believes her mother living with her would have been very trying.

Don't try and suck this up and push it down, the unfairness will drive you mad.

Far better to say at a time that suits you, thats fine mother, but upon reflection I too will be making choices that put me and my family first.

She doesn't owe you an inheritance and you most certainly don't owe her elder care.

I do not believe in unequal treatment of children regarding inheritance and I don't believe in sucking it up when you are treated poorly.

Oh do change the record, you know nothing of their relationship and unless the OP is a complete liar, she has certainly been more loving and supportive than her brothers. You can love and support someone and still disagree with them. Your version of love is very subservient and childish.

I agree with all of this.

And to emphasise, it's not about the money, it's about the de-valuing compared to the brothers, who presumably are largely absent.

My parents told me that they'd written me out of their will at one point becuase they hated my DH at the time. But they had left what would have been my inheritnace split between my DC which I was fine with, as it would ultimately go to them anyway. Not sure if the will was changed back when DH and I separated and I'm in no mind to ask.
My will clearly and fairly splits all my assets equally between my DC regadless of their individual financial circumstances, income of their partners, or number of DGC. And nothing would change my stance on this. I find stories like the OP's very sad indeed.

I hope your DM comes to her senses

Hi Op, I would write her a heartfelt letter explaining how you feel, the innaccuracies with her understanding of your DH, and stating that you feel heartbroken that she could be so unfair and that under the current circumstances you cannot go on caring for her or maintaining contact because it is too painful for you to do so. Say it's not what you want to do, keep the letter kind and focus on how you feel amid everything.

Give her the chance to respond and say you're desperate to remain part of her life if she would treat you as an equal in all of this and none of this means you don't love her or care about her.

See how she feels about it. The power of written words (maybe even handwritten) makes a big difference in things and how they can come across.

Then if she still won't budge I don't think you have any other option but to step back.

Will your siblings honor her will? A friend of mine has a sibling who is written out of the will. My friend is the executioner of the will. She is planning to still give him half. Pretty life changing amount too.

My grandmother applied a different ‘logic’ and left everything to her unmarried daughter (my aunt) . My DF received nothing, although he had a family of 5 to support.

Fortunately he and my aunt remained very close throughout their lives and when she died she left her estate to her nieces and great nieces / nephews. I think she always felt it had been unfair and was keen to make amends.