How do I make peace with this?

Jesus. It's not you, it's her.
But you can't do anything (in England and Wales, anyway).
I'm sorry, that sounds extremely upsetting.

Your DM and DBs sound bloody awful. How on earth can your DM think this is fair and your DBs are shits for not pointing this out to her.

I would stop running around for her and providing care. I would make it very clear that you will not be around to be an unpaid carer and that your DBs inheritance can be used to pay for care. I would also consider moving away if you only moved to be closer to DM and you would actually prefer to have a life elsewhere.

As for making peace with it, maybe counselling would help. I'm sorry your DM and DBs have done this to you.

This happened to me. Not as bad. But an uneven split that benefitted someone who “needed it more”.

It really hurt. I tried talking to her. Tried to explain that it wasn’t the money. It was the fact that her last communication with me would be about being less concerned for my future than my sisters. We fought.

It was only when she talked about it with her peers that she started to understand it wasn’t right. They were all doing their wills too. They told her in ways I couldn’t that it would only cause problems and it wasn’t right.

Could you ask her to talk to others? And I get it… About the two yrs. but you will forgive her. She’s not doing it out of spite. But her thoughts on this are misguided.

Wow. I can't believe someone you say you live very much would ever do this. It makes zero sense.
I'm sorry but I think I would be going very low contact with a parent if they did that to me, especially with the circumstances you describe.
She can pay for care, I wouldn't be wiping her bum for her.
(I'm currently caring for my elderly parent, who was a terrible parent, but I'm still there caring for them, so I'm not remotely heartless)

that sounds very hurtful, OP.
I don't think you do have to come to peace with it though. I think that if you spend so much time with your mum, that you could probably tell her how it makes you feel, and how it's based on a lie someone has told her about what your husband, not you, earns.

In your shoes i would do that. I would also tell her how unfair you feel it is, that your brothers get a big chunk of money, but you are subsumed into your husband's earnings.

And i think it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to tell her that given these circumstances, you feel that your previous commitment to caring for her are being reevaluated and you feel that she could pay for carers and you will visit her only for tea and biscuits and a chat. Does that sound transactional? probably. But you are hurt, and your investment in time is not being acknowledged.

After a while when the dust has settled you could rethink what you are prepared to do for your mum.

I couldn’t make peace with that. To me, that is not even 2 fingers from beyond the grave, it’s 2 fingers from her current armchair. She doesn’t value you, or anything you do for her. I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow that to happen to my siblings either, and we are not close at all.

I’d suggest therapy if you really want to try to accept the situation and move on.

Personally, I’d pull back to low/no contact, or whatever you feel you can deal with without this eating you up.

A wise person once said; sometimes you have to make a decision that will hurt your heart but heal your soul.

I've not RTFT but I've read your posts OP. I could never make peace with this, and would end up no-contact.

Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who has made clear how little they care about you? I’m baffled when people indicate that they completely compartmentalise this stuff, as if being told you’re being left out of a million pound will (having made clear how hurtful that is) has no bearing on the relationship. That’s wildly naive and more than a bit weird. Does anyone genuinely value time spent with their mother after they have shown the contempt they hold them in? As if anyone just shrugs and trots off to do the Tesco shopping for their mother after she’s wiped her feet on them like this!

Personally I prefer to spend time with people who don’t treat me like utter shit but to each their own!

That poster hasn't clarified that it's HER share that she's going to offer to the person who's been treated unfairly.

This is totally unforgivable but on the plus side, she’s told you now and not after you spend ten years caring for her. I would cut her off immediately and absolutely if I were you, she is an evil witch to even contemplate doing this. Why on earth would you even TRY and move past this? It wouldn’t occur to me to! You are a doormat if you do any elderly care for her when she has shown you the contempt that she holds you in. I hope you let her know she was widely wrong about your husband’s salary as well.

As kindly as possible, I think you’ve come to the wrong place for that.

If I was your siblings and your mother was unmoved on such matters, I'd be ensuring some of my inheritance goes to you!

I have recently been disinherited by my mother; she will be leaving her property to my children, when the time comes for her to pass on. Simply because I got sick of being emotionally abused and bullied. I can relate to some of what you feel.

is your mum of sound mind, would there perhaps be any way to contest the will?

Do not pull back from your relationship with your mum. This is her decision. You may not agree with it but until the time comes it's non of your business.

If I was in this situation I would crack on with spending as much time as you can with her. If you pull back now over this it will eat you alive when she is gone. It's out of your control, you can control your reaction to the situation.

I don't think I'd be able to continue being at her beck and call the way you are, OP.

What an awful way to treat the child who cares for you most.

Also I wonder what your DM's solicitor advised her. Or how she explained it to them?

That's really cruel of her, OP.

Regardless of your relationship with her, she must be able to see that this would make your feel inferior to your siblings?

Carly Simon said something very similar in her memoir. She was asked by her mother and siblings to refuse her inheritance (Simon and Simon publishers was her family business). It wasn't the money, it was the emotional stuff.

OP, this is going to change your relationship with your mother no matter what happens. What really strikes me in cases like this is why a mother or father would leave such a poison pill for sibling relationships. Surely your mother knows that you will not be best buds with your brothers in the future if this happens and they sit by and let it happen? Is she trying to spread discord?

Have you told your husband about this? What does he think?

In our own extended family one sibling has "borrowed" nearly half a million from a parent. It won't be paid back (doubt they could afford it tbh - they live a very high life). We see that sibling and family off on amazing holidays etc. It will cause havoc when it comes out eventually (at the moment no one knows but me - discovered by accident).

That's not right. Anyone can do a 'Deed of Variation' within 6 weeks of a will.

That means you can pass money that has been left to you, to someone else, effortlessly with no penalties. Any beneficiary of a Will can do this.

This pattern seems to be a repeating one. I think you need to step away for a while and tell your mother why - that it is too painful for you to see how little she values you.

I can’t help but think there is some old fashioned sexism going on here from your mother op. Whatever the reason I don’t blame you for feeling this is a betrayal. I can understand how hurt you must feel. It would be making me think very carefully about the sacrifices and effort of caring for her in her old age.

If your situation is that your Dad is no longer around and they were married until he died, could you discuss with her what his point of view would have been?
I can't even imagine how you are feeling, what a kick in the teeth.

Sadly I agree with this.

The utter disbelief that push back is met with.

If my friend reduced her hours to look after her mother, she was infact gifting her brother her salary.

Her husband rightly told her that wasn't fair when she in a FOG of telling him the hospital were speaking about releasing her and she felt she was now being lined up to be her carer.

Why would you gift your brothers OP by allowing your mother to treat you and your family so poorly.

Much better to spell it out to her that it won't be happening.

Oh and for goodness sake don't fall for her saying she'll update it and include you.

She has told you clearly that you and your family are lesser that your brothers.

The truth is very hurtful, but better to know IMO.

Has she any idea of the repercussions after her passing? Is she otherwise kind and caring or is this really what she wants? I ask because we are on the other side now and it has caused soooooo much stress and upset it’s unbelievable.
My late FIL split his estate very unfairly, our children all have varying percentages. They range from 38% (which is equal to my DH share) to 6%. We have 4 children, one is adult, the rest are still children. It has caused so much upset, DH cannot understand it and is gutted for them. So angry that he never had a chance to grieve. I cannot even begin to understand why someone would want to do this. Unless the person who gets fuck all means absolutely nothing to them, or it was done maliciously. Like someone said above, you’d never buy one child an iPad and another a bag of sweets.

I am going through a not dissimilar thing. Except my brother has been financially successful and I have not. My mother has had bad health since my childhood and I have provided care throughout, whereas she didn't even bother to tell my show off, big trousers brother when she was going in for operations.

I think about it a great deal. I have told her how upset I am, and she has said that if she were doing it again she would do things differently. But she could do things differently now, but won't!

I am not a mercenary person. I will continue to provide the help she needs. But I do resent her and my brother. If he actually takes the lions share, I will never speak to him again on her passing. I fully expect him to.

I just don't understand it. He does nothing for her, and he lives a life of champagne, 5 star holidays and designer clothes. I budget for going out for a meal. Yet she thinks he needs it more. I just dont get it. I think her brother who helps her with her finances is behind some of it.

She literally is saying her sons are more important than her daughter.