How do I make peace with this?

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s so hard when you feel as if a parent favours one child over another. I felt it for many years. I know that they now try to be financially “fair”, as in their will will divide everything equally between me and my siblings. And if they give one of us money for something, they give the others something of equal value.
On the other hand, they took my younger siblings on exotic holidays, while leaving me and my older DB at home. They threw me out when I was pregnant. There were many many times, when I felt worthless in their eyes.
I am now the one they rely on. It’s me who goes running when they are sick, or need help. And I’ve just made peace with it, by accepting that that’s how it is.
I think that you have two choices, you accept it and just move on. Or you draw a line in the sand yourself, and say “no” and cut ties and don’t look back.
You say that you’ve been talking about this for two years, and she’s not changed her mind so there’s not much else you can do.

I suppose it isn’t possible that her will doesn’t actually say that at all, and she’s testing you to see if you’ll hang around without the “carrot” of the inheritance? Whether she really just wants to know if you spend time with her purely because of your expectations, or whether it’s because you really love her?

Very much this, have seen this advice given on here!

How cruel that she would wilfully try and damage the relationship between the siblings.
I'd be taking a step back and let the brothers do some running about for a change, seeing she has no respect for you by doing this.

@HoppingPavlova
What happens if the really savvy sibling gets seriously ill and can no longer be super savvy or his money is eaten up by bills for health care for himself or his close family or his world comes tumbling down due to world events.

When man plans the future, the Gods ( or God - depending on your beliefs) smile.

Also, leaving you a small thing such as an engagement ring makes it impossible for you to say you were cut out - she considered you and that's what she wanted you to have. I'm sure she will have been advised to do this to make the will less contestable.

Extremely unfair and, unless one is a willing doormat, nothing that can be overcome. I would explain to her as she does not value me as much as her sons, in future she must depend on them for assistance. Then I’d minimize contact. When she needs help (which her sons most likely won’t provide),she can pay for it out of THEIR inheritance. 🙄

If she doesn't value nor love you as much as your brothers then just go no contact, let her see the damage her blind sexism and favouritism has done

I'd be slowly withdrawing from the relationship, and at any hint of care needs would be pointing her in the direction of the relevant services. There's absolutely no way I'd be providing her with any help. Company perhaps, but less than now, but no help.

As this is all based on the mother’s perception of her son in law’s “huge” income, I would suggest that OP focuses on building her own salary/career. This will give you, OP, more income and less time to be with your mother. Presumably, your brothers can help out more, if not, she will have to pay for help.

Not needing the money

no one knows what the future will bring, how does she know that as a fact?

@ScreamingBeans

*Will your siblings honor her will? A friend of mine has a sibling who is written out of the will. My friend is the executioner of the will. She is planning to still give him half. Pretty life changing amount too.

Extremely dodgy plan by your friend there, she could find herself personally liable for the money she cheats a will beneficiary out of. Seriously, however unfair it is, she should not do that, she should just tell her friend that she's not willing to be the executor of such an unfair will.*

I think you're misunderstanding something here. It's their remaining parents will and she is going to give half of her inheritence to her sibling to make it fair.

Or a SIL or the DM! Seriously, you think telling op to forget how badly she's thought of and is being treated and she should absolutely continue in her caring role and then take on drudgery is GOOD advice?!

This is unfair. I'd be going low contact and certainly wouldn't be helping out or doing any caring duties should they become necessary.

I am wondering why she felt the need to tell you upfront ? What was driving that?
l am not saying this is the case but does she think you have an agenda as in would you still be willing to help if there was nothing in it for you?

Did the OPs brothers write this?

This is so horrible. I have 4 DC's one is far "needier" than the others but there is no way I would not treat them the same.
I have several friends/acquaintances whose parents have treated siblings differently, for whatever reason it has caused resentment and fractures within families that are never repaired.
I would like to shake the OP's Mum and tell her in no uncertain terms what damage her ill thought out decision will cause.

I think a lot of it is evening up her sons against your husband. Does she feel they should have done better? Honestly this would make me withdraw, not money as such but the lack of value placed on you is extremely hurtful. She can’t guarantee that you will stay married or that your Dh earning power will continue to be what it is. I know this sounds petty but I would basically start re-directing her to your brothers for anything she needs help with. It’s the not considering “womens” labour as worthwhile. Its mad really, if it were fair those not lifting a finger to help would be excluded from a will but I’m guessing she doesn’t like bothering them.

There are very few circumstances that would make me write an uneven will and all of those would be covered by a disability and/or single parenthood.

I would let her buy in her care needs - either pay for a Carer or from residential care. She has the money to pay for it.

How awful. Obviously the last thing you want is no contact but your mum is making this very difficult. I think I'd just have to plainly tell her that I was very hurt and felt like she considered me and my children worthless ( you won't be able to pass on any of your inherent to them). I'd also say that it is impacting how I feel about her and the whole family for the rest of her and your life and that is directly caused by the will.

Sorry but I think she might be enjoying the drama.

On the face of it this seems very unfair.

Partly playing devils advocate, the only possible way that this might be explained is if the OPs family income is vastly greater than the siblings family income.

She said that she earns a similar amount to her brothers but doesn't specify any figures for her or her husband other than saying that he doesn't earn millions.
That doesn't preclude him from earning one million every year.
So if she and her siblings earn 30-40 k per year and that's the only family income in the siblings family (definitely true for single brother), then she might think leaving 500k each to the brothers would give them an opportunity to get on the housing ladder as their 30-40k income may not allow.
OP family on an income of 1.05 million can afford and may well own multiple properties.

Maybe I'm completely wrong but it would be interesting to know what the comparable family incomes are.

You obviously love your mum a lot @MissingYellowzigzags and it is so sad that she has hurt you like this. I don't think you will ever feel peace with her decision - can we ever with an injustice?

Do you feel you can/will step back and let others to step up now?

I think I'd have to speak to your siblings and let them know that you will be stepping back and only assisting with a third of her needs.

If they want the money, they can earn it.

Your Mum can use their inheritance to pay for carers etc on the days you don't go.

People are saying that if you back away from your Mum you'll regret it, but if you stay as things are now and continue to get used so unfairly it will cause an awful bitterness and chip away at your self-worth to the point that it is worse than any guilt you could feel.

With respect, they may be treating you like a doormat but you do not have to act like one. Show them that you have your limits.

What DM has done is not a step too far, it's a marathon's worth of giant leaps!!

Bullshit advice. Awful shitty advice.

I 💯agree with you. My aunt and uncle did this to cousin and she cannot get over the hurt. I had tried talking to them on several occasions to no avail. You are not greedy at all. Everything should be split 3 ways.