How do I make peace with this?

But at what cost ?
Lawyers' fees !!!

I absolutely would not be caring for my mum in these circumstances - I'd be working more for my own pension and letting your brothers either earn their inheritance or sucking up the cost.

Very hurtful, sorry OP

Women do thousands of pounds worth of work in terms of admin, general support, cooking, cleaning, personal care, chauffeuring. Given your mother's assests she can afford to pay for professional help or move to a home if it comes to that. Your visits should be strictly social only now. Anything more is increasing your 'D'Bs' inheritance. Although given her views towards fairness and your worth in her eyes it might be hard to feel comfortable socialising with her. Honestly, I don't think any pearl of wisdom is going to make you feel better. Give it time to process and the feelings will lessen. I'm sorry she's damaged your relationship so irreparably at this stage in life.

Agree re the most pricey care home!

That’s a terrible thing to do, she sounds controlling to me, like she wants you to grovel. I would step back from her in all honesty!

Alternatively you could step up and be responsible for her care, then don't lift a finger but make sure she goes to the most expensive care home in the country😶

What a nasty old bag, OP, these things should not be allowed.

BTW I think it is possible for siblings to agree a variation after death.. but I could have imagined that.

Agree with PP about sorting out a care plan in terms of £££ because this is not a cost you are willing to take on yourself. I’d also sort out power of attorney for if/when she is unable to look after herself.

God what a horrible thing to do. I hope she realises how much this is ruining your relationship. So disappointing. I would spell this out to her very clearly, even write it down, because she needs to appreciate the gigantic wedge she is creating between you for absolutely no reason at all.

I really couldn’t do care for her in your position so at this point I’d make it clear to her that she will have to factor in care costs to her plans as you will not be providing that free of charge. I’d stop asking her for any childcare and would be distancing myself.

I think your mum is a dick. Fair is fair which means an equal split, in my mind. She's setting your and your sibblings up fo.r a very tense relationship once she pops her clogs.

This is terrible and I can't believe she can have a suitable rationale in her head for this decision.
It's grossly unfair and I completely understand why you are upset.

i jus wouldnt bother with her so much anymore op-its the principle regardles of who earns what-and your dh earnings sholdnt even come into it

did she inherit all her money from her dh your father?

Your husband could lose his job/health/business at some point, I hope not of course but anything's possible. I can't stop ruminating over this, it's so utterly shocking to treat your own child this way and still expect them to suck it up and feel what? Nothing?

Make sure your mum knows you will not be doing her care as you clearly mean so little to her.
She needs to know the consequences of her actions.

This. Your husband could have an affair and leave tomorrow. What on Earth is she thinking?!

This may be a horrible idea and I'm sure I will be told so if that's the case.

But as your DM seems to value males more than females, maybe she might listen if your DH told her how upset you are about the will and why. She may be more inclined to hear what he says and also not being the OP will help with a more impartial discussion.

@MissingYellowzigzags - You need to step back. If she has £1mil estate, even if it’s all “tied up” in property, it is for her care, not just for your brothers to inherit. She will need to pay for care, like every other person who has something worth £1 million. Let her make her choice.

I am assuming your question about moving to Australia and only visiting twice in 20 years is because one of your siblings has done that, and yet they are inheriting half her estate. She doesn’t value you, she doesn’t value your contribution, and she doesn’t care what you think. So don’t strain YOUR relationship with your own DC and your marriage by being an unpaid carer for a family member who can afford 24/7 care, because the stress of being a cater puts a huge strain on both those things; most people do it because there’s no other choice, as the family member has no one to care for them and there’s no money OR there’s one asset the carer is going to inherit, like a house, and the carer feels they must protect this asset because they’ll need it for their own financial stability/retirement. You are not in that situation, so please don’t get sucked into this. It sounds like you already have in the post; you say your DM has now “drawn a line in the sand.” Time for you to do the same.

Don't do this! That is crass.

I'm not sure I would know how to process this either as it's about, for you, your worth to her. I would suggest you try with a counselor and let her know you're trying. If that doesn't help you then it might be time to step back.

Misread value of the ring! Yes you are missing out on an inheritance, you have to decide which is more important to you, a relationship which has been damaged but is repairable, or cash.

She is 75 and in good health so could be here for another 15 years at least. If she has to pay for good quality carers for that length of time your brothers could find their inheritance greatly reduced. Ask for the ring now ( point out it will it will help to reduce death duties for the brothers if she survives another seven years) and enjoy wearing it.

Also I do think you can continue having a relationship with your DM but you just have to draw boundaries really tightly. No I won’t do caring, no I won’t do admin. It’s strange how when it comes to relationships with your parent’s women are often expected to just be the bigger person. In no other relationship is that considered ok. If your husband made it clear in black and white you were second best you wouldn’t be expected to bend over backwards for him, you’d be told to LTB.

Yet posters will suggest that by looking out for yourself just like your mum and brothers have done you are actually being awful and will be full of regret. Women are held to such high standards, if looking after someone was it’s own reward rather than really bloody hard men would be falling over themselves to volunteer. Also she has 3 kids not 1, the other two will step up I’m sure.

I'm going to take a slightly different view on this, and that is that it is your mother's estate and it is her will so she can and clearly will do what she chooses with that.

I think we'd all like to think that our parents and loved ones would make a will with the intention of dividing it up equally. However, does the concept of "fairness" really come into play here?

For example, if your DM believes (and it seems that she does) that your DH is earning substantially more than your siblings and thus, as a household, your household income is more than that of your siblings-is it possible your DM feels that in order to be "fair" she should leave more to your siblings as they may "need" it more?

This is a horrible situation and I think your feelings are absolutely understandable. Many families argue over the Wills. I'm not sure how you go about making peace with it-one thing I would say is that it isn't set it stone and it can change.

Speak with her openly and honestly about how it has made you feel-don't threaten to step back from her life or from caring for her-that just makes you look bad and like your love is contingent on how much money you get from her-and ask for her to explain her reasons for her decision.

Be open to hearing what she has to say. It may well be something that you simply have to accept and decide what you do with your relationship from there. Speak with your siblings and see what they have to say for themselves on it. They may well share your view and be happy to speak with your DM about this.

I've seen rows about Wills play out in my own family-over similar issues-and they're not nice or enjoyable for anyone involved. I'm still a big believer that what someone puts in their Will is their choice and they're entitled to have their wishes fulfilled. Whether or not people agree with the decisions and the reasons behind it.