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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
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gillygeey · 02/09/2023 15:52

On the other hand I have another relative who thinks she should inherit a lot more because her siblings were all helped onto the ladder as their partners had family money & she was single & not even on the ladder yet.

gillygeey · 02/09/2023 15:49

between 4

gillygeey · 02/09/2023 15:49

@MissingYellowzigzags I know one of my relatives struggled with this as one dc is significantly better off due to her DHs income/family. In the end she split the money equally before 4 which we all thought was the right thing to do. The dc that didn't need the money gave the vast proportion of her share back to other siblings.

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/09/2023 15:38

@Ameanstreakamilewide hear hear.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 02/09/2023 14:43

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:34

I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older-

you are not very respectful or kind to your mother, are you?

The OP's mother isn't very respectful or kind about her daughter, either.

The OP is simply calling a spade a spade. She will be the person undertaking the personal care.
If anything, the OP should receive more money for that.

EmotionalBlackmail · 28/08/2023 18:03

Ah ok, thank you. That sounds understandable in your situation but not mine - would definitely not ask mine for parenting advice or recipes or anything else and I'm not close to her so get a bit annoyed that my brother gets away with so little contact.

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 28/08/2023 16:41

@EmotionalBlackmail im the OP and I also spent loads more time with my mum than my DBs. I’m guessing most grown men don’t hang out with their mothers in the same way that grown women do? DM and I have multiple shared interests, none of which DBs have, I would also ask my mum a lot about parenting. I’m assuming SIL asks her own mother and DB doesn’t have the same parenting questions. I’ll also go shopping with DM, share recipes with her take about general household stuff that DB wouldnt.

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 28/08/2023 15:56

Hi @potoftea I hope you don't mind me asking but why do you spend more time on outings and phone calls with your daughter than your sons?

No need to respond if you'd rather not I'm just intrigued - my Mum moans endlessly if I don't call her at least once a week but I recently found out my brother only rings her every couple of months(!!) but she seems fine with this.

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 15:30

I too agree with @Oblomov23.
This is very sad but ultimately your mother has behaved appallingly.

I can only imagine the grief and sadness but this is really a situation not of your making.

I think distancing yourself was wise, the greater the detachment the better.

She is clearly the one money obsessed and has chosen it over you.

You must wonder did you ever know her.

You may not have, sadly.

Please do absolutely everything to protect yourself and your child, your mother has made her choice.

I wish you well and feel very sorry for you.

BeeBB · 28/08/2023 15:12

So sorry to read this OP my mum sounds very similar in many ways.

She favours my younger brother, sister, niece (sisters daughter) and brothers dog and nieces dogs over me, my children, husband and our dog.

She wouldn’t entertain the idea of counselling and would say its all in my mind, she had a feeling I felt like that, didn’t know where I get that from etc etc etc.

Her final kick in the teeth for me will be when her will is read out) I have no idea whats in it but can well imagine).

Brother lives with my mum, sister and niece are falling over themselves to visit my mum. If I offer to take her out for the day or visit I get knocked back as usually they got in there first or she can’t be bothered or will just leave it or will get back to me. I try to visit once a week now but don’t phone as often as I did and I am careful what I tell her. I am pulling back for self preservation. Like your mum my mum also thinks we earn masses more than we do.

We live in a better area than my sister but probably earn a similar amount to my sister who is always pleading hard up and her and her partner are always spending on massive TV’s, latest phones, outdoor clothing, canoes and electric bikes etc.

Like your mother mine doesn’t see anything wrong and never sees the unfairness in how much time she spent with niece looking after her growing up to help my sister out, prioritising nieces feelings over everyone else’s at my fathers funeral, money she spends on gifts for niece, she even gave my nieces boyfriend my dads tools and I have a son, my childrens photos have been put away readon being they have grown up now and the only photo in my mums living room is of my sisters family when niece went off to Uni our wedding photo (sister isn’t married) and my graduation photo have been relegated to the hall).

Now my kids are late teens I never pressurised them to visit as my mother as she did nothing for them and I know whatever I or my family do it would never be enough. I usually visit on my own at a time convenient to me.

Battyfumworts · 28/08/2023 12:07

Oblomov23 · 28/08/2023 07:16

I'm so very sorry OP. She sounds quite narcissistic. even now with all the therapy she just can't see it, can't see your pov. To turn round and say to someone: what's your problem, I've changed it now, you get part of the money, what's your issue - reeks of someone knowing the truth but not wanting to admit it. I am so very sorry. I can't see that that she will ever accept or acknowledge the wrong she's done to you. Thus you will never get that from her. She can't bring herself to admit it. and that must be very difficult, for you. Flowers

So sorry OP, I also agree with @Oblomov23, she sounds like a narcissist. I recently realised this of some of my family members and fully expect that I was disinherited years ago in favour of my siblings who are much more financially stable. I have done similar to you, and have less contact.

potoftea · 28/08/2023 11:31

OP, my heart goes out to you, because you are now in a situation where you can never feel content with the outcome.
Whether you get the money or not won't heal the pain of not feeling valued by someone you felt close to.
I tried to view this from your mother's point of view....I have one daughter and 2 sons, and spend much more time on outings or phone calls with my daughter. The idea that she should feel lucky to spend that time with me, to such a degree that she doesn't receive what my sons will receive in inheritance, seems so vain!
That my company is that wonderful! If anything I'd feel she should be rewarded for gifting me her time.
I think how you've handled this situation is very kind and dignified, you gave your mother lots of chances to understand your view. I hope you feel proud of how you dealt with it, a great example to your children too.

InspectorGidget · 28/08/2023 10:38

I'm really sorry that she saw therapy as an attack on her and didn't engage but ultimately she was wrong to ever do what she did so was always going to have to realise that.

Her only card is to say you are driven by money and it's so sad that she feels it's in any way true. If she does it's a reflection on her.

Thank you for updating.

This was the other thread but there's been a few lately :(

Treating grandkids differently in Will http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4880364-treating-grandkids-differently-in-will

spuddel · 28/08/2023 10:20

I had a moment back in January about a week after she told me I’d been disinherited where I thought ‘this simply can’t be fixed. Doesn’t matter whether she changes it or not. She has seen fit to cut me out, and she can’t undo that’, and that’s is still how it feels

I'm not surprised family therapy didn't change this because what was done can never really be un-done unless you all take memory wiping drugs. That hurt of being sidelined and feeling less than is there still. However, your self esteem is strong because you spoke up for yourself at the injustice of it and that counts for a helluva lot op. Possibly a lot of the angst your mother feels is due to long buried resentments at her own treatment being disinherited, she never examined that and has been now made to in a roundabout way.

This has changed how you feel about her and that may not change, now or even when she is gone. But how you feel about yourself comes from your inner strength and the life you created, a happy family of your own. I mentioned on my earlier posts about my own rift with my mother, we've have contact again, an uneasy truce but I have accepted that the damage is done and just in accepting that it's almost a sense of peace, as in not trying to undo the past or forget the hurt.

Naddd · 28/08/2023 09:51

InspectorGidget · 27/08/2023 14:23

Another thread has prompted me to come back to this one.
I hope you are ok op. I'm not sure if that was you that updated on the other thread?

Can i ask what thread that is thank u

LadyEloise1 · 28/08/2023 08:40

I agree with @Oblomov23 that your mother will never acknowledge that what she did was wrong.

You will just have to live with that, she showed you who she was/is.

Oblomov23 · 28/08/2023 07:16

I'm so very sorry OP. She sounds quite narcissistic. even now with all the therapy she just can't see it, can't see your pov. To turn round and say to someone: what's your problem, I've changed it now, you get part of the money, what's your issue - reeks of someone knowing the truth but not wanting to admit it. I am so very sorry. I can't see that that she will ever accept or acknowledge the wrong she's done to you. Thus you will never get that from her. She can't bring herself to admit it. and that must be very difficult, for you. Flowers

Roselilly36 · 28/08/2023 07:00

Sorry to read your update, hopefully in time the situation will calm. It can’t be easy to see your mum upset. But it was a terrible decision that she made in the first place. Sending very best wishes to you Flowers

Billybagpuss · 28/08/2023 06:52

Thank you for updating. I’m not surprised that you’re feeling like this, it was inevitable from the moment she made the first will.

She changed the will to get her support system back, but some hurts cannot be undone and I know I would never be able to feel the same way again, it’s very difficult to fix. Hopefully in time you’ll be able to feel less anger 💐.

Bonheurdupasse · 28/08/2023 06:36

I'm so sorry OP...
I don't understand how you can stand to be in contact with her at all.
I know you say it's for your child (children? apologies I forget). But I would not torture myself for that.

Original poster
MissingYellowzigzags · 28/08/2023 06:23

@InspectorGidget , yes, that was me.
@Billybagpuss im ok, but our relationship is destroyed.
DM says she has changed the will to include me. I haven’t seen it, nor does this provide any assurance that she won’t change it back. It doesn’t feel good. This isn’t what she wants and it just feels like I bullied her into it.
The family therapy achieved nothing positive in terms of improving our relationship. DM describes as ‘6 weeks of mudslinging at me’. DM hated the therapist, and thought she was just out to trip DM up. DM resolutely refused to see anything from a different point of view. She accused me of ‘being driven by money’. I told her I wasn’t driven by money, rather was driven by poverty (we were poor growing up, but huge change in circumstances around the time I left home set the scene for current set up) she says that money doesn’t motivate her……but can’t see that being able to retire/give up work at 45 mortgage free and with a decent lifetime pension means that she hasn’t had to be motivated to work to pay the bills for 30 years….
DM says the last 8 months have destroyed her- says she hasn’t slept, has lost her hair, has had memory problems, skin flare ups, says I’ve destroyed her mentally. She looks older and sad. That makes me very sad…….but she made her decision with the full knowledge of how I felt…..many conversations, several emails. I struggle to have sympathy. She says she is very sorry, that it was a mistake that she’s now corrected. I don’t see us ever being like we were again. I am seeing her, but I rarely call her, don’t update her with what’s going on in my life, don’t discuss decisions with her. I had a moment back in January about a week after she told me I’d been disinherited where I thought ‘this simply can’t be fixed. Doesn’t matter whether she changes it or not. She has seen fit to cut me out, and she can’t undo that’, and that’s is still how it feels. We can just about get along but my hurt/anger bubbles under the surface all the time. :(

OP posts:
InspectorGidget · 27/08/2023 14:23

Another thread has prompted me to come back to this one.
I hope you are ok op. I'm not sure if that was you that updated on the other thread?

ZIEVAR · 04/07/2023 15:02

@Srgcatherinecawood .....Have you complained to the Office of Public Guardian who authorized the POA. Receipts are supposed to be kept for all purchases and can be requested by the Guardian. Your Mum can also withdraw the POA. Different processes in Scotland, Ireland And England. Checkout GOV.UK. This is definitely abuse.

Billybagpuss · 15/05/2023 16:44

How are you getting on @MissingYellowzigzags hope you’re ok 💐

LimeCheesecake · 06/04/2023 16:17

I would accept it too. I do think you also need to cover in therapy if she had planned to put a wedge between you and your brothers, as that’s what’s happened.

don’t rush back, this will take time for you. Do think about how much time your dd gets with you mum without you there to hear what’s being said. Let this be the last generation of woman in your family raised to be viewed as inferior to the men.

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