What to do when the carer can't really care?

You cannot force someone to care...

If she cannot cope with him, then unfortunately you have to accept that.

You are watching this from the outside and you are not the one expected to provide 24 hour care so I think you are being unrealistic to just expect another person to automatically do so.

You need to look at alternatives which is likely to be residential care.

Many of these haven't restated after the pandemic but it would be good respite for both of them

It's not down to you. Your mil must be exhausted. It must be like looking after a child at an old age. See if there are any homes suitable for dementia patients. You can always visit often, and know that he's safe.

Sorry about your FIL OP. If it were my relatives, I would fight for FIL to be cared for at home for as long as practically possible to do.With more increased daytime care from carers and a night watch carer in the night incase he tends to wake up at night and wander. Which is why carers are tired during the day as they don't get enough sleep / rest during the night.

Care homes should really be the very last resort after ALL options have been exhausted. Good luck, OP. I hope your family finds a happy medium.

Your mil is telling you she can't cope you must listen to her poor woman. I'm a nurse and I work with people with dementia , I'm glad I can leave after my 12 hour shift as it's relentless. The poor relatives have this 24 hours a day, perhaps with very little sleep and countless jobs like more laundry etc and frequently answering the same questions day in day out .
Your fil may also mask his dementia in the early stages when you visit and he may be a lot worse than you think he is.
Maybe a few weeks respite in a care home every so often would be the welcome break your mil needs

My MIL was absolutely hopeless with FIL.

However when he went into a care home she was brilliant with the other residents.

Some how she was close to FIL and always felt he was doing it on purpose to annoy her.

With the others she could see it was dementia and was able to use all the techniques.

Day centre was great for both of them as eventually was the care home.

MiL is trying to tell you she can't cope. Listen to her.

I have a disabled son. At times I have a coping crisis. No one listens to me because they just want me to carry on looking after my son.

Your MiL knows her husband best. If she thinks he should be in a home, then that is the right decision. Help her look into it.

Mil continuing to look after FiL in their home might be best for FiL but it isn't what's right for MiL. Why do his needs trump hers?

I'd be trying to push for a care Home.

This is really untrue in my experience. My mother was a nicer and more fulfilled person during her ten years in her ‘home’ than when she was lonely and alone. All ( most) of the residents had ‘capacity’ although that’s not a hard and fast category in real life. Perhaps it would be better to say that they all had varying levels of capacity in different areas.

A day care centre could be the right halfway house. Things might not be as they seem when you aren't around either

Just a thought, if she thinks carers are too much, who does she think is paying for the residential care? For state support he would need to be eligible both from a savings point of view but also an assessment which it doesnt sound like he would pass.

Two care homes where we used to live have cottages in the grounds, which are sold to residents. They can then use the facilities and services , without actually being in full time residential care. It is possible to move into nursing care when appropriate.

A friend whose parents were very similar to your in laws found it to be a good solution, they were able to get away from each other, and had separate friends and activités (lots of things like outings, card games etc available). Another friend is also in one of the cottages now, when she need assisted living, it seems to work well.

Urgh, I meant to say: I honestly DO think it's up to MIL to decide what she wants for her future and her life.

A home is a lonely place if you still have capacity.

Op, being a full time carer is an exhausting, sometimes soul-destroying job. Very few people actively sign up for it but find themselves in that position because someone they love becomes ill. Your MIL is telling you she isn't coping and while yes, a home might cause a deterioration in your FIL, I honestly don't think it's up to MIL to decide what she wants for her future and her life.

I would suggest a couple of things:

Revisit the idea of more carer support (E.g daily) and then look at getting a handy person to do jobs your FIL can't do

Explore assisted living/sheltered housing, particularly places that are attached to units that can provide full nursing care. If your PILs have funds, there are some really nice places that also offer social activities/communist areas etc but also the increasing support your FIL will need

But at the end of the day, it really is up to your MIL and FIL to do what is best for them. If both are in agreement that a home is the preferred option, then that's their decision to make.

What do you do in this situation?

Listen to the person being forced into a carers role? It's not up to you. He can't be left alone and your mil doesn't want to look after him the way he needs. She might not want carers trooping in and out all the time.

Can u just say that i have cared for people with dementia and that you are only seeing a snapshot of their lives.

Dementia can get worse at certain times of the day and maybe he puts on a good side when you visit. I have seen this happening.

Also it is different for your mil caring for her husband as she is probably frightened and grieving and may need help as much as he does.

Dementia is just as awful for relatives.

Would it not be better to settle him into a good home, while he has the capacity to manage the move. Their relationship may well improve if she is visiting daily rather than caring for him.

I’ve watched my dp’s difficult relationship deteriorate badly under the strain of care, to the point where there was emotional and verbal abuse. Both my dps had very fixed ideas about not being “abandoned” in homes, “put into” care, and about marriage being “‘til death do us part”. It was a horrible way to end up.

A good friend of mine was trying to care for her husband. They had been together for 50 years. She had the support of her 4 sons but eventually after her husband became violent repeatedly, he was out in a home. I.am.nit saying your father in law will be like this,just that the caring role nearly broke my friend. She tried to keep.the extent of how bad things were from.people. her sweet husband of 50 years sometimes flipped. When visitors were there he would 'behave'.
Before the deterioration was so bad she reluctantly organised for him to go to a day centre it gave her a break.
What I am trying to say is the picture u get abd the day to day reality for them.both might not be the same. Also, is therea possibility that she is angry ? It's no ones fault but she may feel that she didn't sign up for this and br mourning the man she lived with. Hope u get some resolution.

It sounds like you're prioritising your father's wishes and wants over your MIL's needs and mental health. She sounds burned out and like she's not coping. She knows better than you how bad he is as she lives with him. I'd suggest she start with an independent assessment that takes both of their needs into account. Your MIL and her needs are as important as your fathers and it sounds like she's being totally ignored in this.

Caring for someone is the hardest thing you can do. I am in awe of people who do it. It is constant and exhausting. I would listen to what MIL says she will know the true picture of what he can and can’t do.
telling her to be kinder is not going to help anything. Why don’t you both take 2 weeks leave and MIL can take a break somewhere else and you can care for him so you know the true picture yourself.
Respite is also a good option as you can get a feel for a care home and if you like a particular one.

Please understand your MIL copes 24/7 with him.
My dad was the same with my mum. He was frustrated with her decline and she was argumentative and aggressive with him occasionally.
The upshot is that he’s tried to hide how bad she was from us as a family.

When he died quite suddenly in sept, mum had to go into a care home and we then discovered just how ill she really is.

In these short months, she’s turned on me, saying awful things about both me and dad. She’s accusatory and paranoid.

The staff are amazing and so supportive of me and I take my hat off to them.

Your mil could well be dealing with far more than she lets on.
It’s a very difficult situation x x

Because they're not relieving her of the burden.

In couples, external support is as much about relieving the burden on the carer as it is on the person who needs caring for.

OP - I'm afraid I agree that you really should not be emotionally blackmailing your MIL into continuing to care for your FIL. It's clear she's not coping and it sounds pretty miserable for both of them at the moment.

Actually, I'm going to pull back a bit on the carer hours thing
if she feels it doesn't benefit her, it's pointless

I would look at a home. I realise your FIL has to agree but what's the alternative, really.

I can sympathise with her "making it sound worse than it is". I probably make mum sound much less healthy than she is because I can't cope with it.

Unless you are planing to move in and live with them and take over all of FIL’s carer needs you need to be more supportive of your MIL. She doesn’t want to be a carer of your FIL and has made other suggestions. It’s really not fair to ignore her needs and wants and decide for her how she is going to live her life. She’s angry and can’t manage, so insisting that FIL is generally fine and all she has to do is be nicer is pretty mean and dismissive of her.

You’re not the one with him 24/7 so you really don’t have a clue how severe he really is, or how much strain it’s putting on her. If you want him at home, why don’t you two move in and take over all of his care?