Planning for the "in case" - how do you manage when 200 miles away ?

Once DM was home, she had an emergency button, which she was hopeless at wearing too.

Then we set up visits so she had a reason to get up and dressed each day. Home hairdresser, home chiropodist, gardener & cleaner a couple of hours a week, farm foods delivery. Organised a weekly community bus visit to a social centre, and a taxi trip to the shops once a week. All of them had our number if anything was wrong.

It was more about keeping her active and interested, ensuring she had someone to speak to every day. One of the family usually visited at weekends. It worked well for years.

Call he council and get a needs assessment from adult social care. It will take a while but they will assess him and the house and fit grab rails, advise on walking aids etc.

They will also be able to put you in touch with recommended care agencies. If you think he could benefit from respite care, ring round and see who offers it.

I'd also fit a key safe to the front of the house so carers/paramedics can get in during an emergency.

Would he be amenable to having a daily carer come in for an hour for a chat and a cup of tea, maybe make him some lunch? It's not a bad idea to get them used to it before they really need it.

Basically try and get as much in place now. As for emergency time off, I just worked from there. Appreciate that's not possible with all jobs.

I'm afraid I don't necessarily have any serious practical help for you but this problem is part of a much wider conversation which needs to be brought out into the open more. I volunteer for a charity providing assistance to older people and the vast majority of our work involves sorting out people who refused to sort themselves out when they could. I'm afraid that sounds blunt to the point of rude but we have found it's reaching epidemic levels - my own parents do it too. Before things reach this point serious conversations need to be had about how older people live, for their own sake and those around them.

Our charity has two major campaigns running this year. First is the 'big box' campaign, whereby you get a big, clear plastic box and make sure originals/ copies of all important documents - ID such as passports, insurances, house deeds, pensions, bank accounts, wills, POAs etc., basically anything that anyone might need to deal with that person's affairs in the event of incapacity or worse, is in the box. Part of this could also include arranging POAs - to be honest everyone should have one in case of incapacity, just to make it easier for those around them.

Secondly we have a kind of neighbourhood watch campaign, where we ask people to keep an eye on each other. If you know you have elderly or disabled neighbours who live alone, make sure you have contact details for their families, keep an eye on their routines so you're aware if something changes. Notice if their bins don't go out or are not returned, if their post is not collected. No, this shouldn't be everyone's responsibility but it's a step towards making the world a better place.

I'm not going to get into a debate about how the stubbornness of elderly people can be a large problem because I'll be accused of agism, but as an example my own parents are about to turn 80, both have long term health problems and can't get themselves around independently anymore but need regular trips to the doctor/hospital. They don't speak the language where we live so can't even read their own post, but they insist they're not a burden on anyone, that they don't cause me any trouble and that they don't need to think about how they'd live if I were not able to do everything for them. In fact they seem to think I don't do anything for them. They insist they have no thoughts about moving from a house which is completely unsuitable for them. Fortunately for them I'm happy and able to sort them out but have a medical issue coming up which will put me out of action and put the burden on others but my parents refuse to see any of it and this the problem that we (the charity I work for) are finding is an epidemic. A complete refusal to face reality.

I'm sorry to have hijacked the thread with this super long reply but a lot of us are dealing with this. I think @BookWorm45 you are doing absolutely the right thing in trying to take steps to mitigate the consequences. Build a list of contacts to include neighbours of your FIL, local age concern organisations and independent carers. Make sure someone nearby has keys or access to keys for his house - maybe a keysafe with a code. Apart from having serious and difficult conversations with your FIL about making changes to his living cirumstances I'm afraid there's not a lot more you can do.

We all need to be proactive in thinking about how we'll manage in old age without assuming someone else will always pick up the slack.

My dm had a heart op in her 80s and needed care when she first came out. We found a nursing home that offered short term post-op or post-illness care - 2-4 weeks of three square meals a day, some sorts of physio on site, and a bit of society and encouragement, to get them up and moving, as a transition back to their own homes.

It was quite expensive but worth it for the confidence-restoring benefits and general pick-me-up care.

We’re in the same situation. DH has set up Alexas throughout their house so that she can shout Alexa help and it will automatically call us (she doesn’t always wear her alarm either). Then it’s carers, very kind neighbours, meal deliveries and regular visits. To be honest, it’s a PITA as we both work full time and Sunday is spent ferrying DS to his sport - we have one day off each week to catch up on stuff and just have a break. We suggested to her some years ago when FIL died that she could move to our town (we’re the only family she has in this UK country) but she refused, so now her independence is completely reliant on paid services and the goodwill of neighbours (who have their own lives to lead).

First of all, FiL needs to wear the emergency button at all times. DM has fallen in the bathroom, the kitchen and the bedroom - not the garden.
If there is an emergency, clearly one or both of you will have to go to visit him and sort things out. You probably don’t realise what giving care might mean so I would say that you would have to arrange 7 day a week care even when you are there, Personally, I am delighted DM has carers. I really don’t want to help her have a shower, dry her and dress her. She now has carers four times a day - to get her up and make breakfast, to warm up a pre cooked meal, to make her a cup of tea in the afternoon and to make her a snack supper and put her to bed. She only manages at this level because one of us goes in every morning and we are round the corner in case of emergency. Homes will take people for respite care or recovery from an operation. Round here homes charge £1500 a week.