Planning for the "in case" - how do you manage when 200 miles away ?

Please please be careful of this big plastic box approach. Sounds like it’d contain enough for a good round of identity theft. An easy target for a burglar.

What a great list @BookWorm45 .

Re. point 9, we arranged for a 'home adaptation team' visit where an occupational therapist from the local council came and inspected my mum's home and made suggestions for useful adaptations. Some she ignored (taking up the dozens of small rugs she had scattered around the place) but she did agree to have grab rails fitted in the bathroom and on small flights of stairs. The OT told me that sadly most people only agree to these adaptations after they have fallen and spent some time in hospital. He also said with older people, 'it's not if she/he falls, but when'.

Re. point 6, my mum went into a post-operative and convalescent care clinic for 2 weeks after a hip replacement operation. It was either that or sleep in the sitting room and use a commode during her recovery as she couldn't get upstairs and the downstairs loo was down a flight of stairs. The clinic was expensive but the care was excellent and it worked really well as she had two physio sessions a day that contributed to an excellent recovery.

You could also look on the Care Quality Commission website for home care agencies close to your FIL. You can filter the search to find ones that are rated Outstanding or Good. These agencies can supply carers to look after your FIL in his own home. Again, not cheap but useful in a crisis.

I keep my phone on do not disturb Mon-Fri 8am - 6pm which means I don't see the messages etc. It's set automatically to do this. It's a lot easier from my POV as I can concentrate on work rather than get distracted by whatever the current crisis/non-event is. I've told her this is the case but she still tries to call and msg. She can't seem to grasp that I work!

I've got the phone set so DH or school will get through. If there was a genuine emergency she'd get hold of DH on our landline and he'd get me at work.

I've decided to leave my phone in my bedroom during the working day (I work from home) so if she calls me I am, as reiterated many times during discussions about how she doesn't need professional care/support, UNAVAILABLE during Mon-Fri 9-5

Both she and my brother seemed surprised/annoyed that my chronically ill and depressed teen didn't want to get involved with supporting her Nanna. Ffs.

If you think you need support pay for it out of the ludicrous house price windfall you benefited from don't rely on voluntary handouts from untrained relatives.

You're not cold and heartless @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss, far from it! Mine is currently moaning because I won't take three days annual leave at a really busy time to drive her to a hospital appointment. She has a friend who has offered to do it and who is available then!

Thanks for writing that post @SharpLily very useful for many reasons but psychologically for me reading my mum is not alone in her stubborn refusal to take seriously how enfeebled and vulnerable she is.

My brother has headed home over 300 miles away today after a few weeks festive stay but we are very worried/annoyed by her.

She can barely stand without falling over yet refuses to entertain the idea of a walker or other mobility aids, won't let me book in someone to help with meals, cleaning etc and definitely will not sort out a POA.

Super annoying as just two years ago when she was relocating across country to be near me she flatly refused to view bungalows and when I suggested she rule out houses not in walking distance to the shops she haughtily told me she'd 'just drive'. Of course she's way beyond driving now.

I have a full on job with loads of business travel but most days will be able to pop in after work but frankly I'm thinking if she can't do anything to help herself then why should I put myself out to help her either.

You makes your bed so time to lie in it.

This maybe makes me cold and heartless which I am not.

Means not mans

As someone in their 70s, I sit in the middle. I have experienced the drain of “supporting someone to live independently “. On the other hand, the words “she will be safe” strike me with terror. Safe for what? To spend years in a slow decline through dementia, having my freedoms taken away one by one? Being alive is not necessarily “better than the alternative “.

She had good friends who help drop off shopping etc but it’s not the same as close family. Family will take care of shopping and finances, but will not provide companionship. Moving an elderly person close to you, so that you are there if needed, is going to be a considerable downturn in their life if it mans leaving a network of friends behind.

I’m terrified of this. My parents seem less capable each time I visit. My dad would be fine on his own but if something happened to my mum she’d not have a bloody clue how to live independently. I have tried to get them to think about a bungalow or something easier to manage but they won’t. I have small children who will have to be my priority and we’ve both got full on jobs. I just am dreading some form of crisis situation. If my dad died my mum would have to move. I don’t think there would be much point going for a flat/bungalow plus carers as suspect assisted living would be more appropriate. I’ve been doing research on the sly but then feel very disloyal doing that.

YY to the ‘no plan’ - except to rely on neighbours, and family travelling long distances on top of their very busy lives. In our case, MIL’s independence is facilitated by others, rather than herself.

Thanks Emma I know, but it's still a very uncomfortable feeling, I suspect the real 'plan' was that they feel I am obligated and they have intentionally done nothing thinking that will force me to step in.
I will have to muddle through providing some sort of telephone support 🤷

Sooth in that situation, you can't be expected to do anything much really.

Pp mentioning carers available for emergencies - I have searched high and low online at least, and asked someone in the area who is a carer.

It really doesn't seem to be a service that exists in the area. The Edinburgh link looks like day care, not emergency care?

We suggested to her some years ago when FIL died that she could move to our town (we’re the only family she has in this UK country) but she refused
Same here ....my suggestions that the parent move closer to me were angrily shot down.
So here we are, them 300 miles away, me the only family a non driver with problems of my own that prevent me from travelling.
My highly intelligent careful strategic parent .....appears to have no plan at all🤷

Incidentally the needs assessment isn't something your FIL needs to be involved in - I did it over the phone from my house so it's not remotely intrusive.

Good list 😊

Remember that you can set up Alexas around the house so that they can call for help and Alexa will dial an emergency contact number eg yours. That means they don’t have to be wearing their alarm (although much better if they do, obviously)

It’s a good list! I would add that it’s best to be prepared for things to change quickly & that measures you put in place & that work well, can suddenly not be enough (especially if they start to have memory problems).

My mother is quite active still for her age but I do worry about falls as she is not great with stairs/steps. She was due to visit for NY with one of my siblings but that sibling is now ill & I am fretting about airplane steps…

That's a good list!

Do they have a burglar alarm or similar? We found, as well as only giving spare keys to two people 200 miles away in opposite directions, DM hadn't told anyone how to turn off the burglar alarm...

Some areas have a falls service for instance, which will respond to fallen elderly people and help them up. Might be worth talking to something like Age U.K. as they should be able to signpost to suitable care? Some kind of sheltered housing with a warden on site would be worth looking into too?

I have just had to accept that I can't get there quickly - it's a minimum of 3 hours. Last time she ended up in resus I was travelling for work so would have been about 8 hours if I'd gone.

I'm aware of a charity that provides lots of different services to the local (older) community. They have found a certain group of clients are those whose loved ones are very far away.

It's called LifeCare Edinburgh perhaps there's something similar near you?

Befriending might be something that builds a relationship regularly and they might be willing to be an emergency contact?

@BookWorm45 if I'm honest I'm glad you posted this. I am in a very similar situation although parents are younger. We have POA for health and money, and they have advanced directives and wills. I have passwords and know the pin to the key safe but its getting there in an emergency that concerns me and they refuse to move back.

Would you mind if I sent a PM?

Technology can be really helpful- ring doorbells, blink cameras in house that you can communicate through. Key box outside the house and if possible a few local people who know the number. A care assessment by council.