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Elderly parents
Original poster

I miss my Mum

43 replies

User787878787878 · 23/12/2022 15:22

She's still with us, but has advanced dementia. She doesn't know who I am anymore. On the good days she's pleased to see me because she understands that she knows me, but isn't sure why. On the bad days she thinks I'm a total stranger.

Just a bit of a whinge. We've been living with it for a while so it's not a new situation, but every so often it hits me, especially at this time of year. Like a wave of grief that I won't ever get her back.

I passed a woman my age and her Mum in the supermarket last week, shopping for Christmas stuff. I ended up leaving my shopping to go and cry in the car. I decorated a Christmas tree for her and found an unopened box of baubles that she must have bought before she became ill and had never used. I hung them up but it was so hard. I just miss her.

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Original poster
User787878787878 · 31/12/2022 15:34

Thank you all. It's very unreal at the moment. I have found a thread in the bereavement boards and have joined. Hopefully this will start to make sense at some point; everything is numb right now.

OP posts:
4thtimeunlucky · 31/12/2022 11:15

I'm so sorry OP I saw your update after I postedFlowers Flowers

4thtimeunlucky · 31/12/2022 11:11

I can't identify in the same way because neither of my parents have had dementia. My mum died in her early 60s and sometimes I feel lucky that i/she didn't have to deal with old age as such. But totally get the sometimes unexpected kick in the guts feeling when you see someone a similar age going shopping/out for dinner/doing normal grown up stuff etc with their mum. My neighbour similar age to me had her mum over a couple of years ago and they had just done the school run together and were walking back. I completely unexpectedly felt really tearful and had to run along the road and into my house to cry/avoid speaking with them, which felt quite rude and unfriendly.

Appleass · 31/12/2022 11:05

No words, but a virtual hug

MereDintofPandiculation · 31/12/2022 11:03

I lost my Mum through a degenerative disease. The further away I get, the more I remember her as her young and adventurous self, and the less I remeber the last few months

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 31/12/2022 11:00

It's hard i lost my mum in a shock situation. Horrific but i still remember her as she was. I think someone slowly ebbing away is death by a thousand cuts.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 31/12/2022 10:56

Oh OP I am sorry, sending you hug 💐

gettingolderbutcooler · 31/12/2022 10:54

My lovely mum got dementia- it left her bewildered and mostly without real empathy.
I missed her mumsiness desperately.

When I was going through a hard time, I would kneel down and put my head in her lap and cry, while she smiled, confused, but still automatically stroked my head.
I miss her still.
Love you my mum.

Whiterose23 · 31/12/2022 10:34

I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you have support around you. Sending hugs

Mezmer · 28/12/2022 22:43

Am so sorry OP. My heart goes out to you. There is no preparing for losing someone so special. It is always a shock.

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 28/12/2022 22:43

Sorry OP. My mum died just before Christmas 2 years ago. Big hugs x

lollipoprainbow · 28/12/2022 22:39

Sorry didn't see your update so sorry x

lollipoprainbow · 28/12/2022 22:34

I've been there OP it's agony isn't it. My lovely mum died three months ago of dementia and I used to visit her once a week and just sit with her while she slept, she had long stopped recognizing me. She was my best friend, rock, everything we used to speak at least once a day. I get very envious and tearful when I see mums and daughters that was us once upon a time. FlowersFlowers

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 22:30

Op I'm really sorry to read that.

I'm so very sorry.

Hope you have been managing and getting through the days.

I have no experience ever of anyone going through this or suffering with dementia. Not yet anyway but on its way shortly.

My half sisters mum has recently been diagnosed.

ReReading your thread has helped me in how I can offer support to them all.

I hope you find some comfort in whatever brings you that.

Underscore21 · 28/12/2022 22:21

I'm so sorry to hear that OP Flowers

clairea123 · 28/12/2022 20:42

I hear you. Completely different circumstances but I don’t have a good relationship with my mum- seeing others out with their mums, enjoying one another’s company and support always brings a lump to my throat.

BaublesandBangles · 28/12/2022 18:20

I'm so sorry 💐

Original poster
User787878787878 · 28/12/2022 18:12

She died yesterday. I just feel numb.

OP posts:
QueenOfHiraeth · 27/12/2022 23:15

Thanks @User787878787878 I'm lucky that my mum is very stoic and determined so is battling every step of the way!

FluffyFluffyClouds · 27/12/2022 17:47

It's so hard OP. You could be my friend (maybe you are!). I feel relatively "lucky" my Mum just got sick and died and her marbles were all she had left at the end. I can imagine all too well what it's like to have and yet not have your Mum. Hugs.

Original poster
User787878787878 · 27/12/2022 15:10

@ZestFest what a great memory to have, that's lovely.

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Soreztee · 26/12/2022 18:28

Strength to everyone going through difficult time ♥️

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2022 17:09

I feel you op, I’m in the same boat. I ‘lost’ my mum to dementia a few years ago now - as in, she’s still technically alive, but doesn’t know any of us any more. She can barely talk or string a sentence of any sense together, she just sits and stares into space and frequently doesn’t even register someone is there in front of her. It’s awful to see. We can be kinder to our pets than our relatives in this country frankly.

ZestFest · 26/12/2022 17:07

Just sending big hugs to all on this thread. I lost my Mum to dementia before I lost her when she passed away and the grief is overwhelming.

Living in the moment and enjoying the little things is all you can do. My loveliest memory was visiting Mum in the care home at Christmas in her last days and she had forgotten that she didn't drink. Mum was pretty much teetotal her entire life, but this day she had a brilliant time getting completely sloshed on Tia Maria and sherry, bless her.

I shed a few tears every Christmas morning and I continue to miss her.

Original poster
User787878787878 · 26/12/2022 16:57

@QueenOfHiraeth the best advice I can give is to encourage her to stay as active as she can. I noticed with my Mum that once she'd lost confidence in doing something, she never got it back. I also had some really good advice from the district nurse and physio that see her - that when they are frail, there is a tendency to 'over help'. If you see someone struggling your instinct is to help straight away. But keeping that independence (however small it is) is crucial in quality of life.

My Mum cannot prep food but she can feed herself still (although it's messy!). She can also still wash her own face and clean her teeth. It can be difficult to watch but she's happier for being able to do these things for herself (with some support, such as squeezing the toothpaste for her).

OP posts: