Older people rebel to keep sense of control, research finds

Yes, her isolation because she can't get out. When I was diagnosed, she said tell me what I can do to help. I'll do anything, so I said get carers and she said no! She is okay, coping day to day until something goes wrong, which is quite often. We've had four 999 calls and two hospital admissions in the last two months. She's forgetting everything too, she asked me yesterday if I'd had my hair cut, but I'm wearing the same wig that I have been doing for the past three months because of chemo! I don't know about independence, if it was me, I'd be incredibly anxious being alone in the house pretty much all the time with no one to keep an eye out for me.

Why don't you read the actual research article instead of the newspaper clip of the research?

Oh Sierra

I tend to keep quiet because few care about the effects on us, I know. Plus it's too depressing for others to hear.

do you mean your mum's isolation?

we told mum bluntly that she couldn't use us a therapist after dad died. She tried for about a year and then we said "no more". To be fair, she responds decently when she is told stuff like this. She is a lovely mum, I'd not be seen for dust if she wasn't. She does still talk to my sister about him but my sister is more able to tune it out. Also my sister is around less.

I am shocked that she wouldn't even get carers while you had cancer treatment?

I hope things improve for you

I do find it less awful to have one than two, and very relieved dad didn't get this old.

I find it more awful to have one than two, as I have the loneliness and isolation to cope with as well as the physical ailments. Mine would be dead without a lifeline, so fortunately she was fine about having that but she won't get carers in so we have a constant round of crises that I am the only person able to deal with, and that has included through having surgery and chemotherapy for cancer myself whilst also still working. It's an effing nightmare. I am definitely going into some sort of sheltered housing if I make old age so my DD doesn't have to go through this. I'm convinced my cancer is partly because of the stress of having to look after my parents for the past few years. It's not like I've ever had a good relationship with them either and their relationship was terrible and they just fought all the time, though my mum keeps telling me how amazing it was now my dad is dead. I don't think my friends who are not in this position really understand, and they feel sorry for my DM when I talk about the effects on me.

It’s mainly attention seeking. However it has the reverse effect. I think quite a lot of them have been retired for so long (or in the women’s case, never really worked at all) that they have no grasp of what modern life is like for women, and we don’t have time to ‘pop round’ to elderly relatives every other day.

*It was hard, because I had to spend most of the time, but then I'd run down the hill to the station, singing.

that should say "most of the time with mum".

I don't mean any disrespect to the two musical greats we lost this week. It's a loss for us, for their loved ones. But how lucky for them not to grow old. They have immortality in the only good way - a legacy of work that brought joy to so many.

I lost friends in a terror attack in my 20s. That was a proper shock. It's one of the dividing lines of my life - you know, the horrors that split life into before and after.

these days I find myself thinking, is it so bad? Diana's brother said something at her funeral about thanking god for taking her at her best. I understand it now.

you chose to have children. Hopefully they will move away if that's your attitude, which I really wish I had done years ago. I thought about it...but I kept on, in my head, with the stupid thing of life expectancy being 70. It was when I were a lass.

the only trouble I've caused my parents is being ill.

no, I don't find any of this funny. If I live to survive it, I imagine I'll be singing certain songs on repeat just like when dad went. It was hard, because I had to spend most of the time, but then I'd run down the hill to the station, singing.

DMIL is 93 and lives 4 hrs away on her own but near BIL. We were at her house one day when she told us about a problem she'd had with her electrics. She told us how she got the step ladder out to climb up to the trip switches. She's registered blind (has some limited vision though). DH just laughed and said "Really! What could possibly have gone wrong Mother"?

She is fiercely independent though and has embraced technology to assist her. Alexa is her new best friend! Her computer recently packed up - which she uses to do all her shopping, amongst other things - and BIL was away on holiday. MIL organised herself a replacement and got most of it set up before he returned.

*celebrating her 101st birthday today!

I'm not in the 'you'll miss them when they are gone' school. I mean, yes if they are taken unexpectedly and in good health. If it's been years of decline and misery, then no.

If I ever get to 90+ then the kids can bloody well suck up my "shenanigans" and rebellion. I don't intend to be too far gone to not recall theirs. Call it revenge parenting..

My Nan is celebrating her 101st birthday and I can confirm she is! Won't use her walker despite having about 8 million falls, won't turn her hearing aids on etc etc etc

I'm sick of tears, much rather bully

few years back mum said "are you a dictator now?"

I paused, waited for impact, and quietly said "yes".

I did cry on Tuesday. It's just awful, and taboo to say, having oldies is awful.

and before someone not known to the board comes along and says "wait till they're gone" - I do find it less awful to have one than two, and very relieved dad didn't get this old.

the constant refrain of "I will manage" really means "I will cock it up and then ask you to fix it at short notice".

This. Phoning me in tears because she can’t get out of bed, but refuses to get a bed rail, a recliner or anything that would help.

And the yelling - you end up feeling like such a bully, but it's either yelling or tears.........

It's hard - you love them, hate to see them declining but when they won't do things that will help it's very frustrating. DParent doesn't get enough fluids so continual issues with UTIs - I can understand,they have mobility issues so having to struggle to the loo often is difficult, so they won't drink, but that causes more problems.

Never ending circle of not drinking, decline in mobility and cognitive function, urine test, UTI confirmed, antibiotics, infection clears up and a month later we're back to square one.

Coxs - poor you. Mum didn't actually go on the stepladder in the end. She responds quite well to being yelled at. Took me a while to sort as I am not naturally inclined to yelling.

I do feel like a carefree 17 year old a lot of the time - (or I did in 2019 but a lot has changed since then). Then I remember the parent situation and feel low all over again.

I definitely don't want to hit that age but no kids, so nobody's burden.

it feels like I have had old parents forever. I should take a break from this board probably!

This sums it up for me.

We have had to deal with the fall out of not seeing a Dr it's bloody frustrating !

'What pisses me off is the "shall I just go on the stepladder briefly" -NO! Who will have more weeks of hell when you've broken a bone?'

I think you're me. We've had to deal with the aftermath of very elderly parent insisting they're capable of doing things they're demonstrably incapable of. Then it's me, the schmuck, who has to deal with the injury aftermath, the impact on confidence which means they become generally less capable.

I do wonder what I'll be like at their age, if I get that far - probably exactly the same. DParent says they feel 17 years old inside, just a shame the externals are 75 years older!

Btw I don't take the article seriously as "research".

I am not obsessed with keeping the olds "safe". I'm trying to protect myself from the fallout of anything silly.

Oh I feel for you. I understand refusing treatment for things but only if you are then prepared to accept the consequences.

My mother, to give her credit where it is very much due, has refused any life extending treatment options (heart related) and is very annoyed at still being here.

Over the years, I have been pleased when she's called and said she's done stuff independently. She's even been to cafes alone - unthinkable ten years ago. In the heatwave, she went to town early, got a milkshake alone in a pla e with air con. A big thing for her.

What pisses me off is the "shall I just go on the stepladder briefly" -NO! Who will have more weeks of hell when you've broken a bone?

I now just say that sort of thing. When we put her in respite care recently, I just told her - through tears - that she was going for my benefit, even if she thought she didn't need it.

I do remember genuinely feeling that I might die of stress before dad died though. He was always conscious of not being a bother.

There is a much bigger risk I will go before mum now, as I am fat, and have recently taken up smoking. People in the family have heart attacks in late 40s when they actually looked after themselves.

Dad also apologised for being a bother, every day, for the last three months of his life. I really appreciated that. Didn't help much at the time, but I appreciated it.

My neighbour recently lost his mum, at 100. I said sorry when I saw him. He told me to please stop talking. The relief was writ large. I cannot begin to understand how he has coped. He's been at his mum's nearly every day since I moved here - 14 years ago. He has a two week holiday every year but that's it.

And breathe.....

There is a difference between independent and stubborn of course older people should be as independent as possible. But stubbornness harms them why would they want to put themselves in danger.

In my case rebellion from my 87 year old mum has included completely refusing to consider moving out of her home until she is in an absolute health crisis, leaving me to rush all over the place to find emergency options for her. Apparently my brother and I should have been willing to travel 2 hours+ round trip every couple of days to ‘help’ so that she could continue to do as she pleased.

The health crisis was caused by another act of rebellion- completely ignoring very obvious symptoms and not going to the dr. So a cancer that is very treatable when caught early has become advanced and incurable. And again it is me taking her to all the appointments and dealing with her meltdowns.

But the older people are " rebelling" and having a "slide" there is usually worried families trying to look after them I don't think elderly people should be totally compliant but a little bit of thought for the people around them helps. Imo