Older people rebel to keep sense of control, research finds

I was mistakenly content in the knowledge DM was pottering about, though a bit chilly, because I could see her heating going on and off manually on hive. I was wrong, she's just set the thermostat really low, so it was coming on and off on its own.

She was fine, though chilly, and absolutely adamant she doesn't need it any warmer (it's not about the money).

I have two elderly parents (late eighties) who live 200 miles away and who never want to worry or burden me. My DH has cancer. There's only me.

There have been several incidents, including one where my mum collapsed while they were out, and my dad broke down because he thought she had died. She had a short admission to hospital over that. They didn't even tell me it had happened until we saw them next (weeks later), and this has happened a couple of times before.

I worry about them every day, especially if I don't hear from them. It's stressful now while there's two of them, I'm dreading when there's only one. I do love them. They are not "difficult" but it's a constant low level worry that never goes away.

The research paper is here by the way:
journals.plos.org/plosone/article/authors?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0279098

Oh bless you! Yes, I'd be more than happy to answer any questions about it, it was a fascinating piece of research to carry out.
I was also caring for a close elderly relative until last year and the write up in the Guardian (which we aren't involved in writing BTW) definitely made me raise a wry smile...!

How amazing that you’re here! Don’t suppose you fancy doing an AMA about it?!

I'm one of the authors of this research study (and a long standing MN member! I've namechanged) - just to say, thanks everyone for your interest in it.

Yes, is it rebellion to retain a sense of independence and control, or is it an inability to accurately assess risk and consequences due to cognitive decline in higher executive function.

in my mums case, she rebels by saying “sod it” a lot, doesn’t wash, or put her teeth in, and stays in bed all day. Leading to neighbours texting me out of concern when she call round to them as she can’t work her TV any more, wearing nothing but her nightie with her lunch, tea and coffee spilled down it. Mum doesn’t care, but everyone else sees an old woman not coping any more.

SierraSapphire, DMum's neighbour moved into sheltered accomodation after her DH died. She was 89, a few mobility issues but otherwise fairly healthy. She loves it - has a small one bedroomed apartment with a wetroom and combined kitchen and living room. There are communal areas if she wants company, she can order meals and there's a warden and enough room in her flat for family to come for tea. It does seem the ideal solution, a sort of half way house.

I think moving at the right time is key, my mum has some friends who live in sheltered accommodation, they all have their own flat or bungalows, but there is support on site for them. They have the opportunity to make friends with others so there are people around when they want them, but they're able to have their own space too, problem is they need to anticipate poor health and move into them at a point at which they are still relatively fit. For my mum at nearly 90 with many disabilities, it doesn't make sense to move into that sort of set up, if she does move anywhere, it will need to be into a care home.

Oh, if we're playing that game, I am happy to forfeit.

Good luck, all. It has been a thought provoking thread. I have clearly hit the point where I can't cope - in fact I probably walked past it ages ago and didn't realise - so I need to make a plan.

It's this 'rebellion' that leads to them in and out of A&E like a revolving door and sadly blocking beds with the inevitable broken bones. Insisting on living in unsuitable living accommodation, refusing to pay for carers and falling about all over the place.
I saw this many many times as a district nurse and more recently as an in patient.

Did you read the nasty post that I responded to?

I'm fully expecting to be exactly the same in 25 years. I definitely think it's something we all say we won't do, won't put our kids through, but when old age and decrepitude looms I should imagine the thought of losing everything familiar on top of losing your health is fairly terrifying.

Oh yes, that's the other thing, my mum is absolutely obsessed with passing on as much money as she possibly can to me and my brother so doesn't want to spend it on carers. No matter that I tell her that I've lost more money through my business being constantly interrupted to do bits and pieces a carer could do than she's saving!

@EmmaAgain22 Thank you.
They've only had careers for short periods when they first get out of hospital. We have tried to persuade them to have career’s regularly and to pay privately, they can easily afford this. They won’t contemplate it.

I’m riding the irony that mum is doing exactly what my grandma did 25 years ago, and boy did mum complain about it at the time. Zero self awareness about it though.

My mum refused help telling everyone she wanted to be independent, no she didn't, she wanted her children doing everything for her.
She used to moan about loads of things, I would offer to help or sort out a solution, but she never accepted that. Eventually, when she was moaning about the same thing for the umpteenth time, I just asked what she wanted me to do about it. She never had an answer.

Lizzie so sorry. Do they have carers at all?

Quveas did you read all my posts or just the one?

Hrmph. They can be as independent as they like if I don't have to deal with the consequences.

This x a million! PIL won’t listen to any advice but the second anything goes wrong they phone us and “don’t like to bother but could you……”. This now includes BIL whose had a stroke and now lives with them (despite us pleading with them not to do this) MIl is recovering from pancreatic cancer, FIL has Parkinson’s and they are trying to look after a 56 whose has many issues!
They’ve all been admitted to hospital for various issues and it’s always us who have to sort everyone else out. We told them last month we aren’t doing it any more. BIL needs to move into accommodation with care. PIL need to sell their 5 bed house and move somewhere more manageable.

We just can’t cope anymore with the consequences of their utter stupidity!

I didn't say it was. I was responding to the misery guts who had neither a sense of humour nor any respect for other views. Not that it is anyone's business, but I know perfectly well how hard it is to care for elderly parents and especially when the siblings piss off because its not their thing. I know how hard the elderly can be. I also don't expect my children to look after me in my old age, although I suspect wild horses couldn't stop them.

But to say that your parents owe you because they had you is such an MN thing. They chose to have children, so they should do everything they can to get you started in life and supported, then they should babysit / childmind for free because, well you're entitled to it. Then when they are too old to manage, they should shuffle off the mortal coil before inconveniencing you, or even, shock horror, not leaving you a tidy sum of money and assets.

What a judgemental post, you clearly have no idea what it's like.

Having someone to look after you in old age is not a good reason to have children. Sury you want your children to live full, happy lives? That could mean moving away.

Or would you deliberately make their lives difficult and guilt trip them, just because you can?

What is she entitled to?

Wow. If my kids had turned out like you I'd have paid them to leave. Thankfully they have more respect for those who brought them up, supported them through childhood traumas big and small, and were there for them through good times and bad, and still are. If all your pants ever did for you was look after you when you were ill, and they did nothing else at all for you, then you must have had a miserable and very deprived childhood. In which case maybe you are entitled to your bad attitude. But I suspect you have a very selective memory and are just entitled.

Hoo boy this all sounds hauntingly familiar. Solidarity with PPs!