Older people rebel to keep sense of control, research finds

I probably agree!
I've had mum for the last 10 days. She's driven me potty but has more or less had a good time. I'm blessed with a husband and sons who know how to handle her so we do a team effort.

NC for NY

I think whoever shoulders the biggest part of the burden gets the most say, especially if they aren't asking you to do anything.

I'm inclined to find compromises, which irritates my sister who feels it's time for a hardline approach. I don't think we'll get anywhere with a hardline approach though. She'll happily cut her nose off to spite her face, already defends my brother who does sod all, and generally isn't amenable to not getting her own way! I try and disguise what I want as what she wants. Sometimes I succeed 😂.

It's not the living miles away I have a problem with to be fair, we're miles away from the ILs ourselves and hopefully help rather than hinder over the phone. It's the useless advice, enabling and not supporting with solutions as you've mentioned. It's like someone not only being unable to help you sort out a fire, which is fine, but then pouring out their unwanted petrol on it too, so frustrating.

We’re both far away from MIL, it’s just that SIL is further away - but she specialises in providing useless advice and telling MIL what she wants to hear, rather than what she should hear. This makes her the favourite (which sounds pathetic at our age) and consequently we are the difficult ones for suggesting things like call alarms and care packages.

I'm the sister who's miles away! Sorry.

I try hard not to undermine what's being said by the sister who's nearby- but they seem to specialise in butting heads and proving each other wrong, rather than finding solutions.

Optimism is a very over rated quality when it prevents you getting the support you need. DM wouldn't let DF prepare for the inevitable after his terminal diagnosis. She insisted on living as though it hadn't happened. It denied us all so much.

There must be some kind of 'playbook' they all get because I have a sister that does the exact same thing! She knows everything and has all the answers even though the answers don't work and she doesn't have to clear up the mess because she lives miles away.

We have exactly the same overly-optimistic attitude, not helped by my idiot sister in law who’s assumed some advocate role and enables MIL in her head in the sand approach (over the phone from a distance) by telling her what she wants to hear. Very frustrating.

Absolutely, trouble is I've had the frank chats but they have this attitude that things will always get better. It's a good attitude in general, I don't want them to be pessimistic and give up on life but it's so over optimistic it closes debate on how to manage life better. Eg, the talk about the most recent fall ended up as basically 'I hardly ever have a fall, I just need to go a bit slower', wouldn't even consider a grab rail or walking frame to help with getting up/down and even though falls are becoming more frequent they are stubbornly adamant each one is just a random one off and won't hear of anything else. Same for all the other multitudes of things I need to sort for them, each one is just a one off and won't happen again, until the next time.

Thankyou, thinking of everyone struggling, hope it's a better year in 2023!

This thread and others like it are so comforting, it's the isolation I find so hard. Other people seem to sail through with their parents

Head glad you don't have to have her at home.

Solidarity all.

Time for that very frank chat on the way home.

No, I've only got to take her home, DF is at home and about as semi-capable as her. They're at the awkward stage where on the surface they look very independent and refuse to hear of it that they're not but all the 'oh can you come round because I can't do this' and 'no, we don't need a walking frame... oh your mum's had a little fall' and the ridiculous number of GP/hospital appts etc all adds up.

My MIL chooses to put her faith in god, as apparently he will sort everything out. I didn’t realise he worked for the social services department of her local council with an unlimited budget solely for the use of ChenMIL, but apparently it’s true.

Solidarity with everyone. I should be grateful that it has only taken about a year to gently but firmly persuade my Mum that she needs to be in a care home. She recently accepted after another fall at home, thankfully.

And whilst it is a relief, she still relies heavily on my sibling and I for practical and emotional support in a way I really hope I won't with my children in the future. For instance, her phone stopped working and that caused endless fuss, stress and patience-wearing visits to get her used to a new phone. Literally all she does on it is make and accept calls - it's not a smart phone.

Some of the stories on here are eye-watering and I feel bad for each and everyone of you .

Oh dear
is she being discharged to you?

It's not the level of need that I notice, so much as the resistance to any diminishment of independence or standards.
I remember my grandparents accepting that as they aged they could do less and had fewer choices. DM isn't recognising that at all.
She has frequent medical appointments where she expects to be 'fixed' but won't take most medications because of a fear of side effects.

She won't accept that her hands are less nimble, her eyesight less acute and her hearing wobbly. She demands someone fix it.
She won't pay for carers or home help or trades, despite being actively wealthy, but expects family members to do it. She expects tradesmen to spend hours helping her plan a job, and only be paid for the hour they are actively doing the task.
She won't book time with family members, she expects them to be available when she calls.

I'm reading this thread literally sat in hospital missing my one bit of rest for NYE waiting to see if DM is being discharged today after a completely avoidable fall because she's so 'independent', read stubborn. The PP description of

"the constant refrain of "I will manage" really means "I will cock it up and then ask you to fix it at short notice"."

literally could not be more accurate.

I don't think it's generational

Someone else might be able to answer this -

was there more social care provision in the past?

i'm vaguely aware of my dad mentioning it. He acted as emergency help for a neighbour who was about 20 years older and I have a faint recollection of him being annoyed about some changes but I can't recall what exactly.

also, I was chatting to a neighbour in my block today. Her mum died about 15 years ago, in her 90s. Neighbour said she used to call Adult Social Care for falls and even TIAs - she said her mum recovered quickly from them and the hospital couldn't help anyway? But I was amazed she could call someone for falls etc. She was equally amazed that we've been told to wait 3 months to get the house assessed.

Yes I also think they have zero idea what it’s like to be a working family in modern life. They seem to think women don’t work and have ample time to run around after elderly relatives, drop in for cups of tea etc. I also think people naturally become more selfish as they age - they feel they ‘know it all’ and that younger people need to be subservient to them, that they can’t possibly be wrong.

its an interesting idea. We’re now reaching the generation that is used to the nhs from an early age. The social reforms of the 1945 government were so radical with the cradle to grave message that maybe it soaked into them young with the concept that someone would always look after them.

It’s not a new thing though, and I think it is also personality dependent. My grandma was very entitled with my mums time, and my mum used to say that my grandma had no idea what it was like to care for an elderly person - her own mother was in a home when she was old, and grandma had lots of siblings, so her care was limited to one visit a week at the home. That was 20+ years ago.

My mum herself is always very grateful whenever we visit, saying thank you for whatever we’ve just done. It’s interesting to see the disconnect between that and the deeper, almost visceral and subconscious expectations that DB and I will sort out whatever needs sorting. Like the generations have been reversed, and she is looking to us to make things right in the same way a child looks to their parents for security. In that way, being rebellious like a teenager and not fully grasping the consequences for other people, fits well.

They've just sent an elderly relative home from hospital this morning. He's not fit to stay home. His cleaner rang to say he wouldn't let her in. She called DM who's too old to help. Blind leading the blind, sadly. He'll be back in hospital before you know it. He needs to be in a home. I think he knows it.