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Elderly parents
Original poster

who to spend christmas with?

32 replies

incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 18:08

FIL died at the start of the year so it will be MIl first Christmas without him.

We haven't spent Christmas with my parents for 3 yrs due to covid. Normally we alternate years. Year before covid just so happened to be the year with the inlaws.

Ddad is rapidly declining with dementia and we fear it may be his last Christmas.

So, we are due to go to my parents but I feel horrendously guilty about mil. SIL lives abroad and won't be travelling home this year so MIL will have extended family only

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Mrsjayy · 19/12/2022 11:27

You know adults with children also want to share Christmas with wider family especially elderly sick parents Christmas is important to them and not just another day.

Hbh17 · 19/12/2022 11:07

Adults with children of their own would normally be staying at their own house, surely? I don't understand why adults think it's essential to see their parents every Xmas - & the parents would probably prefer a quiet time alone!
25th is just a day, so if it's essential to see both sides, then visit both on different days over the very long Bank Holiday period.

Mrsjayy · 19/12/2022 10:25

Just tell her you are going to your parents. What are her plans I know you are feeling guilty but your mum and dad are important too.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/12/2022 09:43

sil is coming over for Christmas next year and will want us all to spend it together so won't get to go to my parents next year either In that case, you go to your parents this year. MIL won’t be alone at Christmas. Try to see her another day over the Christmas perioc

Bemoreatticus · 19/12/2022 07:58

You sound so caring that I think you may be worrying unnecessarily. Your mil seems happy to spend time at Christmas with her sister and family. She probably wants this Christmas to be low key after her bereavement. You should definitely go ahead with seeing your parents. You have offered to take mil. She has declined but at least knows you would include her if needed which is perfect as she will know she is loved and being thought about.

yellowtotebag · 19/12/2022 07:19

I have just seen that she has her sister nearby OP, sorry I didn’t clock that in your first post. As long as she has a close family member to be with, that’s all that matters, and I would feel at peace if she was going to her sister’s. If she’s refusing to come, what more can you do? Flowers

@Florin ’s idea is absolutely lovely if MIL will agree.

Florin · 19/12/2022 04:32

Would she come with you to your parents if you got her a hotel nearby? Go up Christmas Eve and maybe have dinner out together maybe at the hotel. She could have a leisurely breakfast then dh could pick her up mid morning, you could all have Christmas lunch and open pressies together at your parents then dh drop her back or arrange a taxi late afternoon/early evening and your mil can put her feet up and enjoy her pick of the Christmas tv. That way no one alone, less pressure on your Dad and your mil has some freedom too.

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 19/12/2022 04:04

I guess you're right Bungle. I was just thinking of close family as her DS and DD but actually a sister is close.

No she doesn't want to come with us and she has had invites from lifelong family friends that she has declined. I'm just feeling awfully guilty.

Yes they'll all want us there next year when DD is home. I'm also feeling a bit peeved currently that everything to do with mil and fil has fallen to us over the past 20 years as Dsil lives abroad. DH had struggled with the strain of it all

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BungleandGeorge · 18/12/2022 23:51

I would call siblings close family, not extended family. I think you’re overthinking it, MIL has family to spend the day with, she may also actually want time on her own. She doesn’t want to spend the day with your family, she’d rather go to her own. You have a good reason to spend it with your family

Fluffyhoglets · 18/12/2022 23:43

Stick to your plan. If mil wants you all together next year when her dd is there too then it works out well.
Mil has extended family so won't be alone.
Your mum will know next year you go to mils.

You can't be in two places at the same time!

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 23:28

Yes long sister neices, nephews etc. Also family friends

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Longwhiskers · 18/12/2022 22:23

I would go to your parents as planned. When you say your MIL will have extended family with her do you mean like her sister or nephews/nieces etc? Surely that will be ok?

MysterOfwomanY · 18/12/2022 22:10

Your DDad definitely has poor prospects and IMO that trumps the other considerations in play here. So you have to go see your Dad.

But there are a lot of variations where that happens. That's where you can be flexible.
Good luck OP.

SunshineAndFizz · 18/12/2022 19:22

Do what you can to be with your mum. FIL has his wife with him as a minimum.

IrishJ · 18/12/2022 19:22

Go to your parents
you Dad may not remember if you were there, but you will, and if it does turn out to be his last, you’d have to live with your choice.

if DH and SIL don’t feel guilty, why should you?!

Mrsjayy · 18/12/2022 19:21

Go to your parents your mum will appreciate the company, take mil with you but stop tying yourself in knots trying to fix everything it's his mum let him sort it out, if she doesn't want to go your parents then she doesn't go.

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:16

I think I need DH and his dsis to step up and take more responsibility for their own mother. I'm the only one currently trying to work out a compromise and when people (dm, mil, sil, dh) just keep saying no to any suggestions it makes it impossible

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Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:14

Yes she has siblings and their children.

Hadda that is a good point. He is nearly gone so for him it probably makes no difference whether I'm there or not.

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Mrsjayy · 18/12/2022 19:12

You said she has family to go to ? I'd go to your parents I'm sure she will understand your dad's illness and how you want to spend time with him,

Overthebow · 18/12/2022 19:11

could the children stay with your DH and MIL and you go to your parents?

HeddaGarbled · 18/12/2022 19:10

I’d pick MIL because it’s her first Christmas after her husband died. Last Christmas with your dad is speculation and if he’s that far gone, he won’t realise that you’re not there.

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:08

So whilst I'm upset and worried, it is his mum and I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. I need to worry about my parents.

DH loves to stick his head in the sand and ignore what's happening

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Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:07

I have suggested that but he doesn't want to. He wants to be with the children. That's his choice, I can't force him.

If it was the other way round me and dsis would make sure 1 of us was with our mum each year. DHs dsis and him don't really think like that. We will be expected to spend Christmas with them next year when they come over. sil might need to realise that moving forward they have to alternate. Too many factors now the parents are older and in ill health

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catandcoffee · 18/12/2022 19:05

You go to your parents and he stays with his mum. Why wouldn't that work

Choconut · 18/12/2022 19:04

Could you go to your parents and he go to his mums?

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