Wants to move in with us

Oh my god. No no no no no!!

No. No. No.

No.

Just no.

Your DH needs to be with you on this. I can't believe he's even considering having his mum to live with you, given her young age and also your circumstances. Does she have a lot of influence/control over him? I'd honestly lose the plot if DP so much as hinted at having his mother to live with us. The very fact he didn't comprehend in the first place what a terrible idea it was would make me extremely upset.

Suggest she gets a lodger. To experience living with someone and helping with the bills.....

I cannot believe the woman is only 50 ish. My God she is just a baby really and should be enjoying the prime of her life! Is she ill in any way other than arthritis? What does she live on if she doesn't work, I'm curious about that. Maybe it's benefits of some sort. They might disappear if she lives with family, I don't know but something to be aware of maybe, or to SCREAM at her more like lol!

I would just laugh and say "nice joke MIL" and make tea.

Speaking as someone who's mum did move in, temporarily, and nearly crashed our marriage, do not agree to this. Not at all. MIL needs to sort out her own accommodation.

I absolutely 100% agree with this.

If you give a reason which isn’t the real reason, MIL might come up with something to overcome it - and then where will you be? Having to find another reason which also isn’t the real reason.

Tell the truth: you don’t want another adult living with your family in your house. Especially one who appears not to want to contribute in any way!

(From experience with my Mother) please don't come up with a 'reason' which isn't the reason.

You don't want to live with your MiL. That is enough.

Just tell your husband that it is never happening and your MiL is more than capable of supporting herself. And when she can't, she can go into a home.

If you are passive over this op you will fuck your life up.

How on earth is she managing her day to day living costs ?
Too young for a pension and not working.

"That's so kind of you to offer to be my live in carer! It wouldn't work though, as we are all very set in our own ways. Much better for me to get paid care in, when we get to that point. Hopefully we'll be able to get an adapted house soon, as that will make it easier."

She's clearly not understood the reality of the situation, and your husband is no better. Pair of muppets.

I suspect you tend to downplay your needs from a combination of pride and determination. Time to start doing the opposite- highlight your struggles, and your increasing need for support from others, rather than additional pressures on you. People like your husband and MiL need to recognise the impact on you, not be allowed to let it slip past them because of your determination and independence.

Next time she mentions it I'd laugh and treat it as a joke. If she perseveres I'd say, 'oh, but you're still so young - I thought you were joking! Oh no, I'm afraid that wouldn't work for us'. And then change the subject.
Don't get drawn into long debates about why it wouldn't work, just keep saying no and change the subject.
I'm older than your MIL and I'd be appalled at the thought of moving in with any of my adult dcs and relinquishing my independence.
My MIL lived with us for the last 3 years of her life - she died aged 90. If she'd moved in with us in her late 50s we'd have had her with us for over 30 years!!😱

Yes - total bluntness. No “putting her/him off the idea”.

If she seriously thinks she can live with you cost-free, she’s deluded.

No way. We have MIL with us but she's 78 and in the early stages of dementia. She has the master bedroom with ensuite. Eventually hoping to move somewhere with a downstairs bedroom and bathroom for her. It works at the moment with me and DH looking after her and me biting my tongue. I've got chronic fatigue but mild to moderate.

Four bed council houses are rarer than hens teeth. If this is what you apply for you will wait many years and meanwhile your own , increasing needs won’t be met.

I live with DH, I'm physically disabled, my eldest son has a MLD and other disabilities, and my youngest who is fine just very full on.

How able are you?

Is DH concerned about caring for you and your sons on his own, so he’s thinking his mum can help?

Depending on when and where she worked she might be collecting her works pension from age 60. She'll get her state pension from 67. At the moment she's not elderly but of working age. You both need to be looking at her from that viewpoint, she's not in need of care but could be providing it. If she's short of money then rather than having you support her she could get a job. I'm 59, widowed and if anyone said I was "struggling on my own" I'd wet myself laughing.

She has choices in her own life, she doesn't get to make your decisions as well. Forget the hinting and stop trying to avoid awkwardness - ask yourself if this is something you are prepared to make a stand over and then be quite clear about what you want your future to look like. Let it be awkward and uncomfortable and then maybe she'll stop mentioning it.

You just say

"NO, MIL. You are fit and well. DH and the kids and I have enough on our plates. right now.
We have no space, energy or time to support more dependents ".

"Why don't you investigate moving closer to us so you can support US more than you do, while still being independent. And having your own bathroom FFS"

So she is going to move in and not contribute to rent and bills etc
stick to your guns and say no

Yes, I think bluntness is the only answer. With your DH, and with your MIL, although I doubt he will, so that might be up to you.
I wouldn’t pretend to be considering it, the sooner she knows it’s not an option, the sooner she, and you, can move on.

I can see her becoming the matriarch of the household if you and DS are disabled. 50s is young nowadays. And judging by posts DH might support that.

Hard no. She's in her 50s for God's sake, what is wrong with her?!

68 here and going back to FT work in the New Year. Is she perhaps one of those women who has absorbed the message we see on here occasionally that being in your 50s and (God forbid) your 60s and 70s means that you're decrepit and incapable of either looking after yourself or you need people to run around after you organising your life all the time?

Hard no, OP.

As always the DH is a big part of the problem. Does he see this woman who is only in her 60s as his poor frail old mummy who needs looking after, or is he just a doormat who won’t say no to her?
You need to be honest with her, not make excuses about not being able to find a big enough house. Having her live with you just wouldn’t work for a hundred reasons. She’ll no doubt behave as your guest and expect you to wait on her like a servant. For the next 30 or 40 years.
She doesn’t work or do much else because she doesn’t want to. She isn’t old. People with arthritis and much worse can work. She just wants to be lazy, be looked after by you, financially supported by you and entertained by you. Shame on your husband for wanting to indulge her at your expense.

I’m astounded that DH is happy to postpone a sex life for 30 years !!!!!!!

Oh, you didn’t mention that to him ?? Well tell him clearly.

Have you asked her how she sees this working?

How is she going to pay a third of all the bills
What days will she be doing the childcare to allow you to go back to work full time
Whilst you're both at work full time she can be responsible for cooking for the WHOLE family
She'll also be responsible for doing the lions share of the housework, cleaning, laundry etc.

I'd make it quite clear that she has to contribute financially, with her time as a childminder and that she'll be cooking and cleaning. It might not be such an attractive alternative. I'm sure she thinks you'll be waiting on her as a guest.

I'd also suggest sheltered housing for her. Absolutely no to her moving in with you for all the reasons you've mentioned OP. Your DH is being most unreasonable and it sounds like he has to decide whether he stays living with you or moves in with her himself!