DH siblings doing sweet SA about DMIL care

@rookiemere yeah, there are advantages to being an only! Don’t want to be negative, and my mum’s agency is brill, but there is only so much they do or you would even want them to do. Part of the load is decision making and head work. The other thing I’ve never found is an agency that will do ad-hoc emergency visits. I have heard folk on here say they exist but I’ve never seen it in my parents area. I dread the phone ringing. But you are correct in how much can be done at a distance - lots. So much research and admin. Which is why it infuriates me that the distance relative does so little.

Threads like these make me slightly relieved I'm an only DC and both ILs have passed away.

I think each person can only do what they can. I live an hour away from DPs and thankfully thus far they haven't needed any full on care. When they do I'll try and organise that though a care agency- thankfully they are well off.

Unfortunately in your situation it will only change if your DH is prepared to change it. I think the idea of yourselves going on holiday is a good one and draft in one of the other siblings whilst you are away. As is whatsapp group. Other siblings should be able to do things like bills and online shopping as they can't do the day to day stuff.

@Coooosd The WhatsApp is a great idea. I wish I had done that at the start. The illness and death of one parent segued in to the decline and dependency of the other and there was never a clear point to do it. I guess there was never a clear ‘start’ just a gradual increase in what I was doing. Stupidly, with health crises of P1 I used try to resolve before updating sibling as I thought it was hard for them not living as close and didn’t want to make them anxious. I genuinely believed that if they were closer they would do more. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. If I had a Whatsapp at least I would feel better ‘logging’ events even if they didn’t even read them. I have in fact, from time to time, written on paper all that I’ve done (big sheet, small writing) just to record it as sometimes I think I am going slightly mad and maybe I don’t do much at all.

I’m the sibling who ‘does’. I see the logic in comments about ‘enabling’ by doing but the ‘doer’ child ends up between a rock and a hard place. Parent can make their own choice as long as they are of sound mind but let’s follow through the consequences - parent has a fall - medical staff call ‘doer’ sibling; heating conks out - ‘doer’ siblings phone is ringing again. What happens when they just say no? Feel like crap, endanger parent, judged by others. There was less brinkmanship in the Cuban missile crisis. I can’t make my sibling help more, that’s their choice but I can also choose how I spend my time and it’s not with them.

With people living longer the children expected to do the caring can be fairly elderly themselves. Indeed! This board makes interesting reading when you realise the elder being cared for by someone else is actually your age

Times have certainly changed.

With people living longer the children expected to do the caring can be fairly elderly themselves. People relocate for work and are not nearby to provide regular care. Women now have to wait to 67 to get the State Pension and are more likely to work than previous generations. People having children later in life means being less available to do elderly care.

that we will be compelled to sacrifice our wellbeing for theirs! The idea is that your time will come, you in your turn will be looked after. Never mind that times have changed, “looking after” is now far more onerous. Pity the generation that were expected to take a back seat when young (looking after elderlies, even things like not getting a seat on the bus as a child, being bored while sitting quietly as adults got on with their business) and now don’t get the rewards

Some elderly people are so frightened of their old age issues, but consider their own family doing everything for them as still being independent.
You cannot expect others to do what you do. Your MIL needs to get help in

Culture seems to have changed. (Warning: wild generalisations follow) My parents’ generation valued family, and by that they meant extended family. People saved to be able to hand on something of value to their children, and it was taken for granted children (or daughters) would provide support when needed. Nowadays, if MN is anything to go by, “family” means “me, OH and DC”. So there’s an obvious clash when a parent is trying to preserve savings for their DC, and has grown up with an expectation that DC support elders, meets a DC who doesn’t have that expectation and who takes the view that savings or for the elder to pay for their own care.

Of course my parents’ generation was much less likely to have to cope with dementia, that seems the big game changer as far as support goes.

We are the sibling that doesn’t live close.

in our case we are not being told about mil’s needs. Sil has taken complete control, is managing all money, and has made various plans, without telling us or discussing with us.

we have a bungalow with spare room/ensuite and are more than prepared to have mil live with us, either full time or share with sil.

sil won’t discuss it though. If we try we don’t know what it’s like and mil can’t do x y z so she has to do it. Mil isn’t incompetent.

because we aren’t nearby we can’t physically do much. So rather than not wanting to help, we are excluded.

make sure you tell them what’s going on, ask for help, advice etc.

and make sure wills, POA etc are set up between you all.

Damn. Music not musing

I work with a large group in their 70s and 80s. They build dry stone walls, erect stock proof fencing, go hill walking, even potholing. I work with another group, less physically active, but still making musing, learning to play new instruments (eg moving from a wind instrument to a stringed instrument). Age seems quite irrelevant after 60 or so - one person’s 80 is another person’s 60. I don’t know what the difference is. Health, obviously, but I think curiosity plays a big part - always wanting to find out new things, learn new skills.

I’ve seen this time and time again. An elderly parent decides that they want to remain in the family home and be ‘independent’. Unfortunately that basically means one of their children doing all of the work looking after them and their house.
You DH needs a serious chat with his mum and talk about getting a lot more paid help for her or moving into a care home.

Has your DMIL supported your family in the past through childcare / babysitting etc.? Might the siblings think it is payback time? I would suggest your DH gets help in the form of cleaners, carers etc. If MIL is not already claiming benefits such as Attendance Allowance, consider whether she may qualify.

they have to take responsibility for their choices.
yes, mostly my parents generation appear to have chosen to throw themselves on the mercy of thier children, presumably calculating that they have enough leverage (by making us feel guilty) that we will be compelled to sacrifice our wellbeing for theirs!

Your dh is enabling his Mother to avoid addressing the fact she is not able to live independently.

His siblings are quite sensibly staying out of it.

I know it's really hard but unless dh wants to spend every evening and all day Saturday with his mother rather than live his own life, he needs to get tough.

I've been in the situation of one of her husband's siblings, I had very good reasons not to help more apart from not wanting to enable my parent to not face reality and adapt.

Each sibling has their own parent child relationship and that needs to be respected. Her husband has made his choices but is not responsible for other people's choices.

Coooosd

while this idea is useful to make clear how much they do, it doesn’t compel anyone else to help. People are free to help or not help, and it sounds like OP and her husband are the ones who live nearby and are choosing to spend their time helping. They don’t have to do this. The other siblings may not be able to, due to distance, and also may simply not want to spend their time doing this.

a list of tasks done each day doesn’t change any of that

This thread is making me feel a whole lot better. I’m an only one in my mid sixties with a very elderly mum, same problems as OP poor mobility etc etc plus heart probs.If they have the capacity to choose where they want to live, and I mean they don’t have dementia or worse, then they have to take responsibility for their choices.
You shouldn’t be doing more than you feel able or want to do. I’ve recently had a chat with mum and myself about this.
She now has carers four times a day which she hates. I visit twice a week, still do shopping, bills , appointments which is more than enough. The guilt is terrible,I can’t shake that off but I owe it to my DH and the rest of my family. Good luck.

Set up a WhatsApp group and constantly update them EVERY SINGLE TIME you and your husband visit or do anything for mil.
Every single night when your h visits mil, get him to write a little update... "mil good this eve, drop off her milk etc.."

Is she from a traditional culture where it is customary to turn your children into your slaves?

@onefedupmum
You sound as if youre resigned to it?
I hope you can take control and set up some boundaries straight away otherwise she will move in with you dominate and ruin your lives, she doesn't care about you, she only cares about herself. She sounds as if she's about the same age as me, I'm off out for a 5mile run soon, I don't need any help or assistance what on earth is wrong with her??

Your MIL is in her 50s and she can’t clean her own house, make her own dinner, and take herself to her appointments? She needs a word with my grandparents who are in their 70s and 80s and super independent! My 81 year old grandma lives alone and my dad’s parents (70s) live together.

You need to start saying no and set up boundaries.

As pp have said, she is not living independently. Sounds like she needs more care than DH and you are able to provide. Whatever their motivations, the other siblings are clearly not going to provide any care.

Rather than complaining about the siblings' behaviour, perhaps it's time to investigate other care options. Has she been assessed by social services?

Bloody hell, I'd be having stern words with your SIL over that one!