Page 3 | Mother feeding cats- at a loss.

speakout · 2022-12-10T20:09:16+00:00

My elderly mother lives wih us- she totally dotes on our two family cats. I have cleaned up four piles of cat vomit in the past 24 hours. Both cats are on the heavy side, one in particular, but my mother just won't stop feeding them Dreamies. They are fed adequate amounts at regular intervals, but my mother hides packets of cat treats in her bedroom, pockets, bags. From the content of the vomit it looks like they are each eating more than a packet a day. They will over eat on these type of treats. She gets a huge amout of pleasure from feeding the cats, and I am at a loss. I have suggested that she takes over feeding them one meal a day, I have pinned a feeding schedule to the fridge door, so any of the family can feed at the appropriate time and tick off, she agrees, but then instantly ignores. She also feeds then cheap processed ham- easily a packet each- which again I often see in vomit. My mother claims to love the cats more than anyone, and tells me I am cruel. I am concerned as my cats grow older and are so heavy.

CambsAlways · 10/12/2022 21:33

Feeding dreamies is like giving them McDonald’s it’s not fair on them poor things and giving them ham is cruel,cats should be given cat food, it must be torture for your cats being sick all the time from all this crap, poor things, she actuallly sounds as though she could have dementia, my dad had it although he didn’t do this, I just missed one of your posts till now and saw that she forces your cats down so they can’t resist to get away , I think your mum needs medical attention op I mean it in the nicest possible way! shes not well!

PumpkinLumpkin · 10/12/2022 21:29

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:26

Yes- it is narcissism- I have know this for some time.
She demonstrates those traits in many other areas. A covert narcissist, loves playing a victim.

I recommend Josh Slocum's podcast on YouTube "Disaffected" if you don't already know about it. He grew up with a mother with Narcissistic personality disorder.

Bottom line: nothing you do will fix this. People mistake personality disorders for being like other mental illnesses such as anxiety or depression. They are not, they are fundamental disorders of personality. Your mother is elderly, there's no changing this situation. Whatever decisions you make on how you deal with it cannot involve any notions of changing her behaviour.

WeAreTheHeroes · 10/12/2022 21:28

Rather than trying to tackle your mother, can you reduce what you feed the cats? Strikes me it's either that or get tough with your mother and stop pussyfooting around.

erinaceus · 10/12/2022 21:28

I don't know whether your mother's behaviour is dementia, narcissism, or ignorance about animal welfare, but it is certainly not kind nor adult of her to do the "I'm just a poor old woman being forced to clean floors-I may as well be dead" behaviour. You are for sure not the villain in this situation. I am sad that you feel like that.

Would you consider rehoming the cats? The situation sounds very cruel to them, but rehoming them seems pretty bleak if they are your cats and not your mothers.

You could try talking to someone with experience of pet care specifically about this problem as you are unlikely to be the first to face it and there may be some strategies we have not thought of. Cats Protection, your vet, or an animal care charity might have more to say than you think about this sort of situation.

Original poster

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:26

Yes- it is narcissism- I have know this for some time.
She demonstrates those traits in many other areas. A covert narcissist, loves playing a victim.

OP posts:

catmum88 · 10/12/2022 21:23

sounds like such a tough situation. I would be heartbroken to do this, but would seriously consider rehoming them if you aren’t able to stop her from making them unwell. It must be horrible for them to vomit so much.

PumpkinLumpkin · 10/12/2022 21:22

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:21

Thanks- everyone is really helpful
I do point out the vomit and ignore until she cleans it up, but again it is with " I'm just a poor old woman being forced to clean floors-I may as well be dead"
And honestly I question whether I am being really cruel.
It feels like I am taking a toy away from a child.
This thread has helped me feel less like a villain in this situation.
But I am concerned for the animals welfare- cats are not toys.
And it is very unfair to overfeed them to the point of obesity and sickness.

If this isn't narcissistic personality disorder then your mother sure has a lot of narcissistic traits.

PumpkinLumpkin · 10/12/2022 21:21

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:08

erinaceus like most cats they love being stroked, and seek out affection- but on their terms. They sit with me often, purr, nuzzle, knead, lie belly up, and really enjoy being stroked.
My mother attempts to stroke them when they are not in the mood- alert at the postman, being playful and energetic. If they resist she will forcibly pin them to the floor or hold them so they can't escape, then try to " do affection". she doesn't pick up on the early cues that the cats are not open to being stroked at that moment.
She often gets bitten.
I think food is the only surefire way she has found to communicate with them.

If your mother had always been like this it's not dementia, it's narcissism.

You said she is like a 5 year old in some of her responses and uses guilt-tripping language like referring to herself as a burden.

It's narcissism.

Original poster

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:21

Thanks- everyone is really helpful
I do point out the vomit and ignore until she cleans it up, but again it is with " I'm just a poor old woman being forced to clean floors-I may as well be dead"
And honestly I question whether I am being really cruel.
It feels like I am taking a toy away from a child.
This thread has helped me feel less like a villain in this situation.
But I am concerned for the animals welfare- cats are not toys.
And it is very unfair to overfeed them to the point of obesity and sickness.

OP posts:

Sprouttreesareamazing · 10/12/2022 21:20

It wouldn't be the dcats I would be throwing out...

Pixiedust1234 · 10/12/2022 21:20

I'm sorry but it seems you are going to have to go down the "shock" route.

Tell her she is actively poisoning the cats . I think the dreamies packet says only 8 pieces a day so a full packet is horrendous. They will be overloaded with salt from the ham too. Basically its animal abuse and she needs to hear that from you loudly and clearly. If an adult tried to give a child excess salt and a bag of sugar everyday they would be in a police cell under formal caution. Tell her that, and ignore her tears.

Agree with pp. She cleans up all the cat vomit, and pays all vets bills.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 10/12/2022 21:19

This is not normal behaviour. I'm not going to cry dementia as it's obviously down to you to help your mum have that investigated, but her behaviour is definitely not normal. Whether she's been like this "for years" or not.

Hiding food so she can feed your cats until they are sick is really worrying behaviour.

Please don't leave her alone with the cats, it is cruel to them. I'm sorry, I hope you can get it all worked out.

ilovesooty · 10/12/2022 21:18

saffy7 · 10/12/2022 21:14

Stealing/hiding things is definitely a symptom of dementia.

Honestly, if she's making the cats ill I would consider rehoming them.

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But the cats would be happy and safe were it not for the mother's behaviour. I'd certainly make her clean up every vomit episode.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 10/12/2022 21:17

Put them in the cattery for 2 days. Tell her they are ill at the vets from the shite she is feeding them. Tell her the amount she owes you. She can pay the cattery bill thinking it is the vet costs.

WhaleInAManger · 10/12/2022 21:17

Can you consider changing the treats for something a bit more nutritionally rounded and then discounting (or skipping) a meal to make way for it?

Just as a way to reduce the impact on the cats health?

SuperFly123 · 10/12/2022 21:16

saffy7 · 10/12/2022 21:14

Stealing/hiding things is definitely a symptom of dementia.

Honestly, if she's making the cats ill I would consider rehoming them.

Show quote history

Agreed. It is really cruel for the cats to be subjected to this behaviour, even if she dotes on them. It’s sad but unless you can find a solution or keep them separated somehow then the cats welfare needs to come first.

saffy7 · 10/12/2022 21:14

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:01

Interesting about the dementia link.
In many ways my mother is like a 5 year old.
If I try to be direct she gets very upset very quickly- the " I am just a burden " " Everything I do is wrong"
I can't police the food, she hides ham in her underwear drawers, treats under her bed, stuffs them in her wardrobe.

Stealing/hiding things is definitely a symptom of dementia.

Honestly, if she's making the cats ill I would consider rehoming them.

CharlotteStreet · 10/12/2022 21:13

I think the Dreamies packets say they shouldn't have more than about 18 a day? Could you show her that?

I'm afraid I'd be losing it with her and I would have no time for the "I'm such a burden" tears either.

I might also consider taking her along to their next vet check up and hopefully they will read the riot act.

Fufumcgoo · 10/12/2022 21:11

Make her clean up the sick. Every time.

Original poster

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:11

erinaceus what you are saying is helpful- thanks.
The reason I am not sure is that this has been my mother's way of dealing with cats for 30 years or so.
She only came to live wih me a few years ago, and has had several of her own cats die prematurely- very obese.

OP posts:

Original poster

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:08

erinaceus like most cats they love being stroked, and seek out affection- but on their terms. They sit with me often, purr, nuzzle, knead, lie belly up, and really enjoy being stroked.
My mother attempts to stroke them when they are not in the mood- alert at the postman, being playful and energetic. If they resist she will forcibly pin them to the floor or hold them so they can't escape, then try to " do affection". she doesn't pick up on the early cues that the cats are not open to being stroked at that moment.
She often gets bitten.
I think food is the only surefire way she has found to communicate with them.

OP posts:

NewToWoo · 10/12/2022 21:06

Get her to clear up the cat sick every time and explain the cats are being over fed treats and this is the result.

If she behaves like a child you need to some extent to treat her like one and show her that her actions have consequences and that it is her responsibility to deal with them.

erinaceus · 10/12/2022 21:05

Yes, my assumption was that this was a dementia-related type of behaviour, I was a bit surprised that you had not already thought of this. Buying treats and hiding them in her underwear draw and feeding the cats until they vomit and then defending doing so is far enough outside the range of usual pet care and adult behaviour to assume some sort of problem. The challenge is how to deal with it, I am trying to think.

I would imagine you are far from the first person to face this problem so maybe have a Google of dementia-related advice forums to see if you can find suggestions? It's not to say she has full-blown dementia or even necessarily anything diagnosable but that techniques from that area might work to manage this problem. I had a quick Google but the first things that come up are about cats with dementia which was not what I meant.

Original poster

speakout · 10/12/2022 21:01

Interesting about the dementia link.
In many ways my mother is like a 5 year old.
If I try to be direct she gets very upset very quickly- the " I am just a burden " " Everything I do is wrong"
I can't police the food, she hides ham in her underwear drawers, treats under her bed, stuffs them in her wardrobe.

OP posts:

erinaceus · 10/12/2022 21:01

Do the cats generally not like being stroked and groomed or is she doing it wrong and could learn to interact with them on their terms? I can see why she would find solace in interacting with them by feeding them but her behaviour is sufficiently cruel to the cats (not to guilt trip you in anyway at all) that I am trying to think of another solution.